'AITA for refusing to give my half-sister our grandma's jewelry after she excluded me for years?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for refusing to give my half sister any of our grandmother's jewelry after they excluded me for years?"

For context, I (24F) am the product of an affair. My father was married when I was born, and his marriage fell apart because of it. My dad eventually divorced his now ex-wife, and his three kids (my half-siblings 32F, 30M, 28M) have always resented me for it.

I understand, what happened between our parents was messy and destroyed their happy family, but I was just a baby, and they’ve punished me for it my whole life.

Growing up, they excluded me from everything. They didn’t want me around, made cruel comments when I was, and acted like I didn’t exist unless they were making me feel unwelcome. The worst part was when my mom passed away when I was 19. While I was mourning my mother's death, they openly celebrated.

I found out they made jokes about how “the trash took itself out” and threw a party less than a month after the funeral to celebrate it. That broke me, and I’ve been no-contact with them for years over it. Our shared grandmother wasn’t much better. She wasn’t outright cruel to me, but she clearly favored my half-siblings.

They spent vacations and summers with her, while she barely acknowledged me. She also made it known on more than one occasion that she wanted her jewelry to go to my oldest half-sister (32F) when she passed away as the oldest female grandchild in the family since she never had any daughters of her own.

It was well established to everyone that knew her that this was her intention. However, she didn’t leave a notarized will, so legally, her estate went to my dad as her only child. To my shock, my dad gave the entire jewelry collection to me. He said he regretted how I’d been treated by the family and wanted me to have something meaningful.

It was the first time he had ever done something to truly acknowledge me, and I was floored. Now, my half-siblings are furious, especially my oldest half-sister. She’s demanding I give her some of the jewelry, claiming that since she was closer to our grandmother and she had always intended for her (Sister) to have it, it’s unfair that I kept it all.

She even said I “wasn’t really part of the family” and has been calling me selfish and accusing me of “stealing” what was rightfully hers. I refused. I told her that after years of being treated like garbage, I’m not giving up the one thing my dad has ever done to acknowledge me.

She accused me of being bitter and petty, saying I’m using this to punish them for things that happened years ago. I’ll admit, part of me feels like I’m finally getting some compensation for their horrible treatment of me. But the other part of me wonders if I’m being petty or cruel by keeping it all when the others were so much closer to her. So AITA?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

electronic_ladder398 wrote:

NTA, next time they ask, tell them "maybe you weren't actually close to grandma enough for her to make a will. Maybe grandma secretly loved me and told dad to give me all the jewelry. Now stop bothering me." then block them.

Peggy-Wanker wrote:

I'd tell her right to her face that she's right, that I am bitter, petty and punishing them. Then tell her it's what they deserve after the way they treated you. Keep the jewelry.

Bookishmama_76 wrote:

NTA - does anyone else find it highly ironic that half sis accused OP of being bitter & petty? I mean, they threw a party when OP’s mom passed and said that the trash took itself out for Pete’s sake! The half dibs FAFOd and now they are reaping the consequences of their horrible actions.

Madameflora wrote:

NAH. Your father was her next of kin and you're his choice to receive the jewelry. If she really wanted someone else to get it, she'd have made a will. Block them and if they continue to harrass or threaten you in any form, get a restraining order. Also, make sure the jewelry is safely secured. NTA. ETA: Get it appraised and insured.

lapsteelguitar wrote:

First, you are being selfish & petty. And that's all right. Under the circumstances, I think it's to be expected. So, own it. Consider too, that your 1/2 sister is ALSO being selfish & petty. Don't forget to remind her of this little fact.

Second, the people your 1/2 sister should be mad at are granny & your dad, not you. But they are dead, and you are still around for her to beat on. So, beat on you she will. Until she tires of it, or you cut her off.

Third, is there a piece of the jewelry you would consider getting rid of to buy some peace. If I understand correctly, keeping the jewelry is more about your relationship with your dad, not granny. Perhaps giving up a piece with particular sentimental value for your 1/2 sister will shut her up. I doubt it, but you never know. Either way: NTA.

MeanCanadian23 wrote:

Keep the jewelry and kick the siblings to the curb. They will NEVER accept you. You are better off if you go create a family (whichever way you choose) completely separate from them. Your father should be dumped as well. He allowed the mistreatment. Likely because he was afraid of losing them if he set a hard line. You deserve/deserved so much better. NTA.

Suspicious_Juice717 wrote:

YTA.

Probably gonna get downvoted but don’t care:….you can hate them for excluding you but that’s a ==perfectly normal human reaction==.

Your dad did this to you, not them.

This is “AITA” not am I legally right. Your dad can give his possessions to anyone he wants. However if he wants to completely disregard his mother’s wishes…that’s sh-tty. Not illegal, but s-tty.

YOUR DAD OWES YOU COMPENSATION BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS. Grandmas kids all deserve heirlooms.

Your dad is the villain here. Not the rest of the family.

Theabsolutegayest wrote:

ESH. Your half siblings obviously suck for taking their reasonable anger out on an innocent child. Same goes for your paternal grandmother. Your dad sucks on so many levels, including for giving the jewelry to you in defiance of his mother's wishes. And yeah, you're an asshole for accepting the jewelry.

You know that the woman who built that collection had specific wishes for it, and only a legal loophole has allowed you to get your hands on it. If you want to use this opportunity as revenge against your paternal relatives, that's your call to make, but you can't take this revenge without also being morally in the wrong. The central AH here is your father for so many f--king reasons.

At every turn, for three decades, he has made selfish, thoughtless, and/or cruel choices no matter the harm to his children. He cheated on his wife without sufficient protection, neglected you as a father, and allowed his children to be cruel to you. And now he's stealing his eldest daughter's intended inheritance to make up for his own failures to you!!

Do you really want a shiny reminder that your father is a shitty man who doesn't give a f--k about any of his children? Does the jewelry collection actually make you feel loved or better about yourself? Notice that he also didn't give you anything from his intended inheritance. Presumably, his mother did want him to get some portion of her assets, right?

If your father had handled her estate in good faith (done with her possessions what she clearly stated she wanted done), he still would have received something as an inheritance. If he actually wanted to show up for you and be a real father, he could have gifted you something that he actually had a right to. Instead, he f--ked over his eldest daughter (again), and pinned you to take the heat for his BS.

I advise giving your half-sister the jewelry and cutting the whole lot of them out of your life. You deserve to be surrounded by people who actually love and care about you, and every second you spend drowning in conflict with your paternal relatives is time you could be building that loving community.

A day later, OP jumped on with a major update.

First, I want to thank everyone for the responses, advice, and support. I never expected this post to gain so much attention, and it’s been overwhelming but also incredibly validating to know that so many of you understand where I’m coming from.

After reading through the comments and reflecting on everything, I decided to stand firm in my decision to keep the jewelry. This is the first meaningful gesture my dad has ever made towards me, and I’m not going to give it up, especially to people who have done nothing but make me feel like an outsider my entire life.

For greater clarification, the jewelry also represents a greater apology to me. No one had ever apologized for the treatment I faced throughout my entire childhood even when I chose to cut them off. Not for the constant name calling, not for the actual slurs they would regularly call me, not for the unwanted comments of my weight and how I was a pig "just like my mother", none of it.

Before, this is the only apology I’ve ever received even tangentially relating to my childhood, (and yes, I am very aware of how bitter I sound here). That said, I didn’t want to completely close the door on reconciliation, so I reached out to my dad to discuss everything.

I asked him why he gave the jewelry to me and what he thought about the backlash from my half-siblings. He admitted that he regrets how he handled things during my childhood and feels that he prioritized his other kids at my expense. Giving me the jewelry was his way of trying to make amends, even if it’s late.

I also told him about how my half-siblings were treating me now and the things they had said about my mom in the past. He was upset and said he would speak to them about their current behavior, though that wasn't my intention and I doubt it will make much of a difference. As for my half-siblings, the situation has only escalated.

My oldest half-sister (32F) sent a long message accusing me of being vindictive and selfish, still claiming that I’m taking the jewelry out of spite, (which I suppose is partially true). She tried to guilt-trip me again by bringing up how close she was to our grandmother and how much she wanted these specific pieces to remember her by. I didn’t respond, but I’ve saved the messages in case things get worse.

Unexpectedly, my middle half-brother (30M) reached out privately. He admitted he was wrong for how he treated me in the past and apologized. He said he doesn’t care about the jewelry and just wants to move forward. I told him I appreciated his apology, but I need time to process everything before I can even consider having a relationship with him.

I’m still no-contact with my oldest half-sister and youngest half-brother. At this point, I don’t see that changing. To those wondering about the jewelry itself: I’ve decided to have some of the pieces appraised and restored. I plan to wear a few of them on special occasions and keep the rest stored safely.

They hold sentimental value to me now, not because of my grandmother, but because they represent a step toward my dad finally seeing me as part of the family, even if it’s imperfect and overdue. That said, after speaking with my middle half-brother I've come to understand most of my half-sister's anger and attacks come from a place of grief.

As such, I plan to give her my grandmother's favorite pair of earrings. She wore them constantly and while I doubt my sister will have any gratitude towards me, I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture nonetheless. Thanks again for all the support. This whole situation has been messy, but I feel more confident in my decision now. If anything else significant happens, I’ll update again.

ETA: The comments have made me realize that I’ve probably been giving my sister too much benefit of the doubt. While I do want to return the earrings to her, I think I’ll offer to let her buy them back instead. Though for the people concerned that letting her take them may incite her to sue me for the rest, I'll see how soon I can speak to a lawyer for a consultation.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

TrickPaper9696 wrote:

Your dad sucks. His method for apologizing to you was also openly antagonistic to his other children. He’s either not a good person or not a smart person.

ImportantFunction833 wrote:

Forgive me if I have any of the details here wrong, but it's my understanding that Dad had an affair, left his family to be with his affair partner, allowed his older children to b-lly OP for years, then his mom d-es, and despite her wishes having been stated.

He gives jewelry to OP instead of to the eldest child who was always promised them as a peace offering which OP sees as acknowledgment that she was treated poorly her whole life. The problem for me here is that Dad's gesture is entirely empty.

He didn't give up anything of his own to make this peace offering; he gave up what he knew had been intended for his eldest at the expense of his late mother's stated wishes and is acting like it's some kind of meaningful gesture on his part. I honestly get why the sister is livid--her childhood happy family all the way up to her inheritance has been given to someone else because of her father's choices.

Don't get me wrong, that is NO EXCUSE for the b-llying, and that should've been stopped immediately, but that was also Dad's fault. It almost seems like he likes his kids tearing into each other because it shifts the blame away from him having to take any accountability for his actions having hurt people who love him.

I honestly see where all of the kids are coming from (as in I see why they would be hurt and feel a certain way; I do NOT give a pass for bad behavior as a result of those feelings). How convenient for Dad that his children all seem to love him so much that he can skate through and make the hurts he caused a problem for someone else to bear the burden of.

OP, do whatever you think is right with the jewelry--that's your decision to make. But please don't interpret it as a more meaningful gesture than it was. That's giving your father credit he just doesn't deserve. If he were really acknowledging you and how your childhood suffered because of him, he'd sit all his kids down, take ownership of it all.

He'd say all of you deserved better than the hurt and resentment he caused and allowed to fester for decades as a result of his selfishness and refusal to work through the fact that his actions had consequences for his innocent children. I'm so sorry that his failure has cost you so much.

PenglingPengwing wrote:

The biggest AH and a piece of worthless human being is your DAD. Your dad ruined two families. He ruined your childhood. He ruined their childhood too! And now he ruined grieving process of his other kids by giving grandmas jewellery to you.

To top it all, instead of giving you an apology, he blames his other kids.

Yeah no…the biggest villain in this whole saga is your father and it’s sad that even as an adult, you are falling for it.