'AITA for refusing to help my mom with my brother's wedding after she chose him over me?'
"AITA for refusing to help my mom with my brother's wedding after she chose him over me?"
Okay, so I (22F) need to know if I’m TA here, because my family’s making me feel like I am. A bit of context: My mom (43F) has always favored my younger brother, Liam (20M). Like, it’s not even subtle. He was the golden boy, and I was…well, the "independent" one. Whatever, I’ve learned to deal with it. But this time, it went too far.
So, a few months ago, Liam proposed to his girlfriend, Emma (19F). Honestly, I’m happy for them, but my issue is how my mom handled something that happened just last week. Emma’s bridal shower was being planned, and they asked me to help out. I’m pretty good at organizing stuff, so I agreed.
But here’s the thing: My mom kept giving me tasks that made it clear she didn’t trust me. She literally told me not to "mess things up like usual." (Wtf, right?) Then, the big slap in the face: Mom asked me to step down from helping completely and let her and my aunt handle everything. Why? Because apparently Emma was worried I’d make it "about myself."
Like, excuse me? I’ve been nothing but supportive, and now I’m getting pushed aside? When I told my mom how hurtful this was, she said, "It’s Liam’s special day, don’t ruin it for him." I was so mad I told her she was always picking him over me. And, of course, she brushed it off, saying I was "overreacting as usual."
Now Liam’s wedding is in two months, and my mom asked me to help set up the venue and do other last-minute stuff. I flat-out refused. I told her I wasn’t going to help with a wedding where I wasn’t respected or trusted. She called me selfish and said "family helps family no matter what."
I’m just…done with feeling like the backup kid. My dad (who’s always been more fair) thinks I’m justified, but now my aunts and cousins are blowing up my phone saying I’m being petty and that I should "grow up and get over it."
AITA for finally standing up for myself and saying no?
The internet kept the comments coming.
chefmorg wrote:
NTA. Just tell your mom and cousins that no matter what you do you will probably mess something up.
OP responded:
Yeah, that's honestly how I feel at this point. No matter what I do, it's never good enough for them. If I help, I’m the scapegoat when things go wrong. If I don’t help, I’m “selfish” and “don’t care about family.” I can't win either way, so why even try?
theworldisonfire8377 wrote:
I'd text the GF, your brother and your mother together and tell them that you won't help or have anything to do with it, because you might "make it about yourself" and might "overreact as usual" and they don't want that now do they? Tell your extended family if they feel so strongly about helping out, they can do it. NTA.
OP responded:
Honestly, that sounds perfect. I should just text them all together and say, “Since you’re worried I’ll ‘make it about myself’ and ‘overreact,’ I’ll save you the trouble and not help at all.” And yeah, if the rest of the family cares so much, they can step up. I’m sick of bending over backward just to get blamed anyway.I’m ready to let them deal with their own mess.
Disastrous-Sthe wrote:
Another day, another story about sh--ty parents. Why are you continuing to do anything for anyone if you're being treated like a second-class citizen? Go to the wedding and go low contact afterwards.
OP responded:
You’re right, honestly. I keep holding out hope they'll treat me better, but it’s like I’m stuck in this loop of doing things for them and getting nothing but grief in return. Going low contact sounds like the peace I need after all this drama.
Happy-Ferret-8607 wrote:
NTA. They didn’t want you to mess things up or make it about yourself, now you won’t.
It’s not like they don’t have anyone else and the wedding will be ruined. The people who are calling you can stop wasting time on the phone and help the happy couple.
OP responded:
Exactly! They made it pretty clear they didn’t want my help, so I’m just giving them what they asked for. 🤷♀️ It’s funny how they suddenly have so much time to call and guilt-trip me, but not enough time to actually step in and help. If the wedding is so important, maybe they should stop talking about me and start doing something for the happy couple. NTA, and I’m done being their backup plan.
tmg2010 wrote:
I’m the eldest child and only daughter. My mother actively favoured my brother growing up and when she had an oopsie baby at 40 her first words were “ I hope it’s not a girl” she got her wish and had another boy.
However, it was always me she called whenever she needed driving anywhere or help at home. I finally saw her for what she was after I was critically ill 15 years ago and I cut them all off. I’ve never regretted it for a minute. Sometimes you have to walk away for your own mental health.
Complex_Storm1929 wrote:
NTA. You can’t treat a child as a “back up” their whole life and not expect them to walk away one day. But also I think your dad is also TA. I mean for him to agree with you he has to have noticed the favoritism growing up. Why didn’t he put a stop to it? Honestly if my family treated me as second growing up I would have gone NC the minute I turned 18.
ForwardPlenty wrote:
NTA. When nothing you do is good enough then nothing it is. You were absolutely right to back out of assisting with anything for the wedding, because who needs to get told not to mess things up (like always.) I am petty, so I would gladly hold their beer and watch while things crash and burn.