'AITA for refusing to help out with my dad's new wife's kids like I help with my siblings?'

"AITA for refusing to help out with my dad's new wife's kids like I help with my siblings?"

My dad got married 4 months ago and his new wife has three kids (7, 5 and 4). Dad has me (16m) and my siblings (13f, 11f, 9m). Our mom passed 5 years ago. Not sure about the other kids dad(s?). They don't have anything to do with their dad(s). My relationship with my dad has been strained for years.

I have a plan I put into place last year to get me out as soon as I'm 18. I don't want a relationship with my dad. I don't want to fix things or to make the most of things for now. I just want to keep my eye on the prize. But I help my siblings when I need to. Sometimes it's walking them to school (don't have a car). Sometimes it's buying them a little something. Sometimes it's helping with homework.

Or getting them some food. Or picking them up from some place. It's not all the time. Though I do buy them little snacks or whatever if they want to walk home with me instead of taking the bus. Just for some sibling time and to spoil them a little since dad was never into that. My dad's wife has a problem that I still do this stuff for my siblings but I don't do a thing for her kids.

I don't even really talk to them unless they talk to me first. She has asked me to pick them up or feed them lunch once or twice and I say no. Since going back to school I was asked to help all the kids with homework and not just my siblings even though they do their homework in different rooms (my siblings in my room, the new wife's kids in the kitchen).

But the most controversial was when I walked my siblings home from school and bought them ice cream on the way. I didn't get anything for the other kids. And I didn't try to take the others with me. Just my siblings. So dad and his wife sat me down a few days ago and told me I should treat all the kids the same and should be willing to help them all.

I said no. I said I won't. She argued that this would be a good way to form a stronger family connection. I told her there is no family connection and there will never be. She and her kids are not my family just like HE isn't (dad). I told her the only family I have in their house is my siblings and they won't change my mind.

She wanted to know if I'd go to therapy with them and give it a chance and I said no. Dad was already doing other stuff by that point. She told me we could make it work and her kids would love to have me as a big brother. And by doing some stuff every now and again could be nice. I said no. She didn't like that and told me I'm old enough to know and do better. AITA?

The internet was opinionated on the topic.

_Random_Walker wrote:

NTA - you're already going above and beyond for your biological siblings. You don't owe that to anyone, it's your choice. Stepmom wanting a better bond might be genuine or not, hard to judge from just a few paragraphs, but initially sounds a lot like her main interest is you helping out.

OP responded:

I could see her being genuine in wanting a bigger family for her kids. Maybe even hoping we'd all come together and be this happy blended family. I think her biggest reasoning is her kids. Especially because my siblings don't really have much to do with her kids either.

So she might be freaking out and regretting the decision to marry dad given that. Not saying it's not possible she just wants help but I could see it coming from a more genuine place.

Mesapholis wrote:

You are 16. what your parents (birth and step) parents have done so far, has a name. It is called parentification. They are loading all the responsibilities of having the children onto a child - you - without the resources or experience to actually, healthily deal with it. You are a child that deserves their own childhood.

Do you have another trusted adult? An aunt? An uncle? Grandparents? a teacher at school? Please talk to someone that you don't want to continue sacrificing your life for the kids they wanted to have. It is their responsibility to raise the children they have created. And don't believe peope who tell you you are selfish. They are being very selfish. NTA.

OP responded:

I have trusted adults I have confided in but they were not able to help me. It's not so bad. I can just keep working on saving so I can leave as soon as. I would rather do that than try to fix anything else going on honestly. At one time I felt different but now I'm just really ready for 18 and beyond.

owls_and_cardinals wrote:

Firstly, you're a wonderful big brother to your biological siblings and many 16-year-olds are not like this at all, in terms of their consideration for younger siblings or desire to spend time with them. They are lucky to have you. I think this is missing some context to really form a judgment, for me.

Some of this reads like your dad and stepmom are dying to take advantage of your kindness or want to have a live-in sitter for their SIX kids. Obviously an expectation that you help SIX kids with their homework seems excessive to me - surely you have your own work to do and cannot be responsible for the academic success of a large group.

But, again based on this brief write-up, I can understand the perspective of the married adults who are trying to better blend the families, and see your disparate treatment towards your step-siblings as somewhat of a barrier.

I also think family therapy would be a really good thing for you, not because you should be strong-armed into being more compliant but because it shows a positive intention on the part of at least your step mother to make things better.

You left out why things are so strained with your dad and the post doesn't fully clarify whether what they're asking is reasonable or not, and what they're doing to support their own kids but I would guess that with seven kids in the family and two working adults things are indeed super hectic and presumably the adults are working hard to make it all work.

Pending further information I'll go N A H. I don't think you should be pressed to do more than you're already doing exactly, but and I'm not sure your dad and stepmother's intentions are harmful or malicious.

BUT you cannot be expected to make up for your father's lack of attention or care, you cannot fill in for him in any way, and you aren't responsible for choices that two adults (your dad and stepmom) made to get married and try to blend the families.

EDIT: made adjustments after OP provided more information in a reply.

OP responded:

Things with my dad are complicated but a slimmed down version is that he was never much of a good dad, he's not a pleasant person to be around, he dislikes for me over things that happened before I was born, and generally I never got any support from him. My siblings got a little. Not much. But he was more present for them than he was for me.

But he's also not a dad who spends much on his kids or gives them his time. My dad isn't trying to make anything work really. He was there because his wife wanted him there. But he wasn't really involved in the conversation. She did all the talking really and he was out before we finished which is pretty typical for him. He also doesn't do anything for her kids.

Senior_Revolution_70 wrote:

How is she treating your siblings? The same as she does hers? She married your dad with kids, she must step up as a step mom. You are not a nanny, housekeeper or parent. You are a teenager and your useless dad should start doing his duties as a parent.

You are NTA, but a great kid, looking after his siblings which is not your job, but do it because you have integrity and love for them. Hang in there and all the best.