'AITA for refusing to let my wife spend my bonus money on a gift for her best friend?'

"AITA for refusing to let my wife spend my money on her best friend?"

My wife has known her best friend since middle school. Her friend is a lawyer and her family is quite well off. She makes a lot and is pretty generous with it. My wife has had a few things paid for by her.

Specifically she covered my wife’s portion of her bachelorette trip. The other friends didn’t make much and so she covered it. She also paid for a portion of my wife’s rent twice and she normally pays the bills if she and my wife go out for food. This friend is now marrying a doctor and I don’t think they have any trouble with paying for anything they want.

My wife is a SAHM and I’m a mechanic. I bought home a bonus of $3k and when I told my wife she immediately started talking about getting her friend a really expensive necklace from this brand she knows her friend really wants. She showed me and the cheapest necklace is $2k on the website. She insisted I should spend the bonus on a wedding gift for her friend.

I shut her down and told her it’s my bonus and she really cannot expect me to buy her friend something this expensive. I don’t think wedding gifts even exceed $100. She began fighting with me saying I buy lunch out of the house and I have stupid hobbies that cost a lot of money so why can’t she spend some money like buying her friend a necklace?

I do spend a bit on my hobbies and I have two cars but I also work my ass off and her friend can definitely pay for it herself. She is marrying a doctor and they already have a house whereas we are still renting! I told her she is being insane and she insists we sit down and tally up everything I spent on myself in the last year and if it’s higher than 2k I should pay for the necklace.

I think it’s ridiculous to compare the two and I’m refusing to let her buy her friend a ridiculously expensive gift. She insists her friend has spent a lot on her and I also saved money because her friend pays for meals and activities whenever they hang out so she doesn’t have to spend our money.

I get that the lopsided relationship isn’t the best but then she should refuse to do anything that costs too much and let her friend decide if she wants to just hang out without doing anything that costs money. She refuses to talk to me now and I’m wondering if I’m TA here?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

RandomDerpBot wrote:

NTA for refusing to buy your wife’s friend an expensive gift that’s more than half of your 3k bonus. Potentially TA for what sounds like an uneven distribution of money and/or input on how it’s spent. When the spouse is a stay at home, the breadwinner can’t lay total claim to income. “My money” vs “our money”.

Supporting your stay at home spouse requires more than just ensuring their bare necessities are covered while you spend unilaterally on expensive hobbies and multiple vehicles, then complain about renting instead of owning your home. Your wife has a valid reason to question your cumulative ‘fun money’ expenses.

If you’re legitimately concerned about whether you’re the AH, you should oblige her and tally up everything you’ve spent this year on yourself. You may find that she’s right, you spend big on you and she gets scraps. Some would consider that financial ab-se when factoring in the power dynamic play. As the breadwinner, you hold all the leverage.

StartTalkingSense wrote:

OP, my husband has been a stay at home dad when our boys were young because I generated a far bigger income from my growing business and we agreed that if the kids were with at least one of us, it didn’t matter who. They went to daycare for 1 day each , after we had the twins because he literally had his hands full.

Right from the first week we agreed on an amount each for “hobby money/fun money “. It was exactly the same amount for both of us despite our large income disparity. We can spend this money how we wish, it’s where birthdays gifts to each other comes from. ALL other money are joint funds for bills, savings, pension etc.

My question to you is; Why do you think you deserve hobby money “because you work hard” and think you deserve it, but your wife doesn’t? Believe me, I worked 16 hour days in the beginning, getting things off the ground, and even with just the one child at the time, I realized that I had the easier deal!

My husband couldn’t take a break unless the baby was sleeping, he was exhausted from constantly being on the lookout for safety issues, choking hazards, making baby food and feeding, playing with our son, reading him stories, walking the floor with him when he was teething, or had cramps.

We both did night duty, so we were both tired, but he had no let up. He LOVED being a stay at home papa, but once our younger two started school he was also rather relieved. He said; “I wouldn’t have missed those years for the world, but I never ever want to do them again”.

Parenting alone with small kids IS A JOB, and a stressful one at that, why does your job “deserve” a hobby fund but hers not? Your wife deserves money she can save up and blow on a gift for her friend, money she doesn’t have to run the purchase by you first, and get your permission to spend - just as you don’t get her permission to spend your hobby money.

If you don’t see that, and clearly you don’t, then it means you don’t see her work, the effort put into the “job” of raising your children of any value. You are effectively saying you don’t even see it as work! If I were your wife would be not just pi@@ed off, I’d feel SO demeaned, so shame on you! MOST DEFINITELY YTA!

Capital-Temporary17 wrote:

YTA. As said in other comments, you don't give your wife any money of her own to spend on herself or whatever, she has to discuss non essential purchases with you, she has no money so her well-off friend pays, and yet you impulse purchased a car without discussing with her.

If you had been giving her $100 a week to spend on whatever she liked, maybe she would have saved $2000 to spend on her friend... but she can't because you keep her a beggar. When someone is a stay at home parent and home maker, while the other partner works outside of the house...that is not individual money.

That is shared money! She is working at home, so you can work out of it, and that wage is hers too. Sure, your bonus can be your own...but maybe this time, your wife gets the bonus to make up for the fact that you haven't been treating her fairly financially for as long as she has been home.

RenZomb13 wrote:

YTA but not for this one incident. 50% of your income is your wife's. She takes care of your home and whatever else so you can work those hours and still be comfortable at home. You agreed that you have costly hobbies but "you work hard" does your wife not work hard? Does she have expensive hobbies?

This woman is a good friend of your wife's who has spent way more than $2000 on her and you. She has paid "your wife's portion of the rent" so basically she paid your rent? Don't take advantage of her and let your wife do something special FOR ONCE for her friend!