'AITA for refusing to meet my mom after she went no contact with me for over a decade?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for refusing to meet my mom after she went no contact with me for over a decade?"

So, a little background: I’m 35M, and my parents divorced when I was 17. My dad struggled with booze and d--g add--tion, and my mom eventually left him, which I totally understood and supported. Living with him was impossible; he wasn’t physical but verbally a**sive and he spent all our money on his habits. That was the last straw for my mom.

After the divorce, my dad spiraled—he nearly 0Ded and ended up in the ICU. I was living with my mom at the time, but I was scared that my dad would die, so I moved back with him and my uncle’s family. My mom was disappointed but let me make my choice. Losing my mom, most of his friends, going broke, nearly passing finally got through to my dad, and he promised he would get better for me.

It was hard to watch, but he actually turned things around. My uncle paid for everything—rehab, therapy, medical bills—and after about 5 years, my dad was clean and somewhat healthy again. He even apologized to my mom, and she forgave him, though she told me later it was only for my sake so that they could be civil at future events like my graduation or wedding.

Over those years, I kept in contact with my mom, regularly met with her. She had moved on and met a great guy, who she eventually married. She was much happier and I was happy for her. I thought we had a pretty good relationship. That changed when I was 23. My mom asked me to come over, and she told me she was still angry and disappointed that I chose my dad over her after the divorce.

She said I was ungrateful for everything she went through, putting up with my dad’s crap, and then she hit me with something that still pisses me off today. She told me she could see me becoming a dr--k and d--g add-ct like my dad because I stayed close to him.

I don’t drink I don’t do anything to this day, and I had no idea where that even came from. I was floored. I thought we had moved past all that, but apparently, she’d been harboring resentment for years. Then, she said that she wanted to go no contact with me because being around me brought back too many bad memories of my dad.

She said she had found peace and happiness, and I was a reminder of all the pain she’d been through. I didn’t know what to say except, “Okay.” I later found out from a cousin on her side that her whole family was pissed at me for staying with my dad back then, and they all went no contact with me for her sake saying that I betrayed her. I haven’t seen or heard from my mom since that day.

Fast forward to now: my dad passed away two years ago from a heart attack, a result of his years of add--tion, despite being clean for over a decade he had lingering medical issues. I recently got married, and my wife posted some pictures from the wedding on Facebook. My wife said a woman claiming to be a cousin contacted her.

I looked at the message and it was cousin from my mom’s side, asking if it was really me in the pictures with my full name. I told my wife to ignore it, but then I got a call from my uncle later that same day, saying that my mom showed up at his house. For context, the house where my uncle lives currently used to be the home where I grew up with my parents.

My uncle said she asked him to arrange a meeting between us, saying she wants to apologize to me face to face. He told me he can set it up if I want. Honestly, after all these years, I feel nothing for her except maybe slight resentment for thinking that I would turn out as an add-ct.

I was going to say no right away, but my wife thinks that's a sh-ty thing to do and I should at least hear her out, let her apologize, and then go back to never seeing her again if I want. She says despite what she did, she did shield me from most of dad's ad--ctions growing up. Now I 'm having second thoughts. AITA if I refuse to meet her?

Commenters had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Excellent-Ad3112 wrote:

NTA. But I am wondering if you are an only child. Her reasoning might be that since you got married, you might also be having kids and she wants to be a grandmother. You have to think about what her ulterior motive might be and this is what I come up with.

OP responded:

One of my reasonings is also this. She never cared before that cousin probably told her about the wedding pictures.

UnderDeskSupportt wrote:

NTA. I think you were very kind to be there for your dad when he needed you, even though he should have been the one taking care of you. It was really cruel of your mum to punish you for that kindness, and whether or not you want to hear her out is your decision.

I do like your wife's attitude that you can hear your mum out and then decide if you want to forgive her or not, but what your mum did was sh--ty and it would be understandable if you didn't want to talk to her.

[deleted] responded:

I agree with everything except your take on the wife’s attitude. I think she’s pushing her own feelings, not supporting OP with his. He doesn’t owe his mother hearing her out just so she feels less guilty.

OP responded:

My wife is just looking out for me so that I don't have any regrets. I know she will fully support me if I say I do not want to meet her.

CocoaAlmondsRock wrote:

NTA. You have to go with your gut.

It has been 10 years, and she has discovered that you didn't become an addict and instead have created a happy life. You're married -- which means there could be grandkids in the future.

Are you happy without her? If you've moved on without that side of the family, if you've created your own happy family, then why rock that boat? Your wife may not be able to let it go, though, and if you turn your mother down, you're going to have a lot of flying monkeys contacting you and your wife to tell you how cruel you're being.

I couldn't deal with that, personally. I don't do drama. She made a choice, and you've respected it. I'd say no and be ready with the block feature.

A week later, OP shared a major update.

I didn’t expect the amount of comments I got on the first post. Thank you to everyone who weighed in, whether you agreed with me or not. There were so many different perspectives, and I’ve taken time to think about everything.

First, I want to talk about this, A few of you said I abandoned my mom when I went to live with dad. Its looks that way when I think about it now however, I feel I never abandoned her in any way. I loved my mom dearly and I loved my dad too.

When she told me she was divorcing dad, I helped her pack, I left with her as I thought at the time dad was a lost cause. I went back about 7 months after the divorce when my dad was fighting for his life. That was when he promised me he would change and get help. I chose to stay with dad after getting permission from mom.

As I said in my first post she was disappointed but agreed dad needed me. Even after I chose to stay with my dad and uncle, I always stayed in contact with her. My mom and dad lived about 20 minutes apart, and I made sure to see my mom regularly—4-5 times a week, at least. I would talk to her every day too. We went on trips together, ate meals together, and hung out as much as we could.

When she moved in with her new husband who I will call John, she always included me in her new family’s life. John was good to me too. For all that time there was not even one inclination of the resentment mom had for me when she blindsided me with the decision to go no contact.

I was completely shocked. She never expressed any anger or frustrations toward me, we never argued and she never showed she was upset about my relationship with my dad until that day. After she blocked me from everyone, I tried for a couple of years to reconnect but eventually gave up when I moved out of the city.

Onto the update, A lot of you told me to meet her for closure, while others said not to bother. After thinking about it for a while I had decided to meet her and was going to tell my uncle to set up a meeting with her but before I could tell him, my uncle called me again, 3 days after my mom showed up at his house.

He told me she came by again and gave him a letter for me, and she apologized for bothering him and that she wouldn’t be coming by again and she didn’t want to raise my hopes unnecessarily and hoped I would understand after I read the letter. Uncle said she sounded very sincere. I asked my uncle to send me pictures of the letter. Its not that long and I’ll summarize the important bits.

The letter was a mix of apologies and well wishes. She wrote she was sorry for how she treated me back then, especially for saying I’d turn out like my dad. She said she was going through some relationship issues with John and then seeing dad getting better made her feel bitter because dad never tried for her.

She thought her second marriage was failing and everyone around her was happy while she was miserable. She said she listened to some bad advice and she regrets it. She said she regrets taking her anger all on me when she should have gotten help. She said she made up lies to her side of the family so that they side with her (I do not not know these lies as this what she only wrote).

She said she got help couple of years after she went no contact but was too ashamed to reach out to me. She saw the wedding pictures and is happy for me, wishing me the best in my life. She wrote that while she initially wanted to meet me, after some reflection and with her families advice she realized it was for selfish reasons and for her own sake only.

She apologized again and said it’s better if we keep things the way they are. She ended the letter by saying she’s happy, and she doesn’t want to drag up the past. She apologizes once more and wrote she won’t contact me again for both our sakes and asked me not to contact her as well and wished me and my wife well.

So, there’s that. Honestly, it’s probably the best outcome, and I’m at peace with it. I am happy with my life and I am glad mom is happy with her life. Like she asked I am not going to contact her but I will keep my door open if she wants to meet in the future. I also realized how stupid I was to hold on to my resentment of her comment about me becoming an addict.

I also want to address the comments that said my wife was over stepping, My wife knows all about my past and about my mom. She is a kind soul who sees the best in people. Like I said in a comment in my first post she was just looking out for me. She wanted me to have no regrets.

She did apologize for saying it would be sh-ty not to meet mom but its all good. We both know each other's boundaries, we communicate well. Right now, we’re planning our honeymoon, and life is good. Thanks for all the supportive messages and comments—truly appreciate it. Bye.

The comments kept coming.

Creative-Sun6739 wrote:

She said she made up lies to her side of the family so that they side with her ( I do not not know these lies as this what she only wrote). To me this seems like the worst part of it. It's bad enough she took everything out on you and cut you off, but to make up lies so her family would side with her? Who does that?

I'm glad she's got her life together, but for me there is nothing worse than a parent bowing out on their own child, at least for something like this. Looking in your face every day while harboring this resentment for what, loving your dad? Wanting to help him? Children should not be put in the middle of adult issues.

Good for her that she realizes she would only make things more complicated by trying to be in your life now and wants to keep things the way they are. But I think ultimately she wanted to "break up" with you before you had a chance to do it to her because she knows she was wrong for doing that to you.

bonnm42 wrote

Wow sounds like she’s a self absorbed narc-ssist. Honestly I would take pictures and send it to her family that she admitted lying to them about you. She cut off her own child because of her own misery. She doesn’t deserve to let “bygones be bygones.”

calgary_cyclist_thro wrote:

"She apologized again and said it’s better if we keep things the way they are. She ended the letter by saying she’s happy, and she doesn’t want to drag up the past. She apologizes once more and wrote she won’t contact me again for both our sakes and asked me not to contact her as well and wished me and my wife well."

Sounds like she's just as self-absorbed as ever. What a trashy woman.