'AITA for refusing to PAY my best friend for showering and doing laundry at her place?'
"AITA for refusing to PAY my "best friend" for showering and doing laundry at her place? (due to unforeseen circumstances)"
My friend and I have been "best friends" for about almost 4 years now, during our friendship there hasve been a lot of issues regarding money. She would buy us coffee or whatever and say "Oh no I got this" or she would ask to get breakfast or something and I would say I am broke and she would then offer to buy.
Sometimes we would be out with her and her boyfriend, and he would offer to pay then my fiance would say no let me pay. Then her BF says NO I WILL PAY, but then the next day my friend would send a text saying how much we owed them...I never argue or make an issue about it because I avoid conflict.
Keep in mind every time we would buy something for them/her we would never ask for money in return or say that they "owe" us. About a month ago they did not have water where they stay and asked to come shower by us...we had to switch our geyser (water heater) on JUST so that they could have warm water, and we never asked them to pay for the electricity or water used.
POINT: We have been without electricity for a week and we don't know a lot of people around to help out...I reached out to my "best friend" and asked if we could do a load of laundry and have a shower...they said it's fine. The next time we asked if we could come around she said and I quote "you can pay us at the end of the month" (for using their utilities).
I am refusing to pay them for the one time we used their shower and electricity because I WOULD NEVER have expected them to pay us. And now we have not been able to wash our clothes or shower because what "bill" would we receive from my "BEST FRIEND" at the end of the month? AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
WomaninQuestion wrote:
Why are you “friends” with this person?
OP responded:
Things weren’t always like this…but since this started I have drifted further away.
ImStealingTheTowels wrote:
NTA. However:
"I never argue or make an issue about it because I avoid conflict."
I'm afraid this has contributed to the problem. You should have challenged her when she messaged you wanting payment for the meal her boyfriend said he'd cover.
You should have stopped paying for her without the expectation of reimbursement as soon as it became clear that she wasn't going to extend you the same courtesy. I also think you shouldn't be surprised that she has asked for payment for the use of her utilities, because it isn't as though this was a sudden shift in attitude.
Her selfishness is baked-in and she hasn't tried to hide it. I don't want to be harsh on you, but I used to be conflict-avoidant and it pains me when I see others taking that path. I was terrified that standing up for myself would result in all-out war and that people would stop liking me, but all I was doing was making problems for myself.
I've since learned that you can challenge people/situations without it becoming an argument. You can establish boundaries without losing friends and ostracising yourself. If friends decide that you not being a doormat anymore is damaging to your relationship, then good riddance.
So, I think you have two options here. Either say nothing and step back from the friendship, or tell her directly that you're disappointed that she's asking you for money considering you helped her out last month and that you won't be paying. I'd personally go for option two and see how she responds.
Dryadduinath wrote:
NTA. For future reference, agreement to pay for things happens before the payment happens. When someone says “I will pay for this” and then they pay, without mentioning getting paid back, congrats.
You owe them nothing. Any messages about getting paid back after the fact or being owed favors mean nothing. When strings are attached without your knowledge or agreement you go ahead and cut them.
So you should not pay them for the showers etc you took before they said the thing about getting paid back later (and you can also go ahead and ignore any messages about what you owe for meals they offered to cover) but you should not use their facilities again now you know they intend to charge you.
Wahkens wrote:
Have you ever pointed out that you don't do this in reverse?
TBH you have 3no options here. 1. Refuse to pay pointing out you didn't ask them for money), 2. Pay but tell them you expect reimbursement for when they used yours or 3. Pay and walk away from this so called friendship
eve_713 wrote:
NTA but your mistake was never asking for money back. You should remind your friend about when they showered at yours. You need to match energy with this friend or you will continue to be walked over as you are now. Sometimes we have to be grown up and face conflict.
KhalessiKev wrote:
NTA. Your friend is being rude and contradictory by offering to pay for things and later on asking for payment. They need to be transparent and say they will settle the bill and you can pay them later. I can see why you are resentful since you do not send them a bill after similar events.
If you value this friendship, a transparent conversation is needed. Some cultures keep score of such things and expect repayment for even minute expenses, while others give and take freely as an expression of esteem. You two might be measuring each other based on different standards.