'AITA for refusing to accommodate my SIL and her family by making separate meals for them?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to accommodate my husbands sister and her family by making a separate meals for them?"

My husbands sister's youngest child was diagnosed with cancer shortly after birth. She and her husband have spent two years fighting for him and his health. Then the pandemic hit and what was already a very bad financial and emotional situation became worse.

In September they were forced to leave their home due to a mold issue that may or may not have been there a while but went unnoticed because of how difficult the last couple of years have been on them.

Then her husbands office was closed down and all employees were forced to move to the one in our town, three hours from where they lived before or find another job, which they did not feel safe doing in the current climate with their family circumstances.

My husband and I discussed it and agreed to let them move in until after Christmas when hopefully the mold issue could be fixed and they could start the process to sell up and find another house. So I will start by saying they pay for some groceries and help toward bills but not a lot because of their financial situation.

I started having an issue two weeks after they moved in. It was agreed upon by all four of us that I would make dinner and we would each do our own things for lunch. But she and their older kids started complaining about dinner, wanting something else, and expecting me to make it for them.

It got to the point where the other night where my husbands sister asked me to make a lasagna for them in front of all the kids (both our husbands were at work) and her kids started to demand it where I lost it and told her if she didn't want to eat what I prepared then the least she could do is make it herself.

It's not easy cooking enough for 9 people and then having 3 people reject it outright and often rudely, and expecting me to cook something very specific for them. It's even worse because the kids have made a fuss about dinner a lot since they got here and she says nothing to them and she isn't too far behind in that,

but at least she normally expresses it in a less demanding nature and has never pressed it in front of the kids before. I have struggled with some guilt because they have a lot going on and I maybe should have just sucked it up.

I can't always co-ordinate in advance about what they want for dinner but also, we don't always have whats needed to make what they want anyway and I'm already getting more groceries and doing more than I was before. I'm trying to be understanding but I worry I was an a$$hole. Things have been tense since. The complaints have not stopped though. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

My-Username-Is-Dis said:

NTA, They can cook for themselves.

808Q said:

NTA. They're being rude. You need a new system. Either everyone does their own family dinner, SIL does dinner for everyone, you switch off, or you meal plan together. Easy peasy. But your husband needs to talk to his sister about his family's manners while they're in the house...

CatEyedDevil said:

NTA beggars can't be choosers. You're cooking edible food that most of the people in that house eat without complaint. You are not a short order cook. If they want to be picky about everything you cook, that isn't your problem, it's theirs. Besides, your SIL is perfectly capable of catering to her picky kids herself, it just sounds like she wants the free labor of a chef who takes orders

Kynderbee said:

NTA invite them to cook a meal one night a week, or you could have the kids help you. I find that kids will eat a lot of different things if they get to help prepare it. As for your SIL I think just have a heart to heart.

Like hey I know things are really hard this year but taking out your frustration on dinner plans is making an already hard situation worse. It's possible she doesn't realize she's being so difficult. I hope things work out!

PartyHorse17610 said:

ESH. SIL and BIL Are a$$holes for not managing their kids behavior better. The parents of the children should speak to the kids about their behavior, and/or cook a separate dinner for them if it’s really necessary. It’s very generous of you to be cooking dinner for them at all, and you shouldn’t be expected to cook two meals.

You are also a bit of an a$$hole for solely blaming SIL for the kids behavior. As the mother she is not solely responsible for them and this perspective is sexist. Where is BIL, and your husband in this? They are also the kids relatives and can change their behavior.

Also it sounds like you haven’t actually had to try a conversation with the other adults involved about this. You’re just wishing in your head that it will change which It’s not an effective behavior. The kids may or may not be a$$holes depending on their age.

OP responded:

They are normally at work when dinner comes so they aren't there for the complaints and so aren't on hand when the issue arises.

I have voiced things to both my husband and his brother in-law but when she is present at dinner it is normally her hearing it and joining in to ask for a different meal so I brought it up with her once or twice but then felt guilty because she is dealing with a lot. I felt the same way about bugging her husband too.

A_Sarcastic_Werecat asked:

- Can't your sister-in-law cook the dinner for you all herself, if her children want something different all the time? Your SIL cooking for you all would perhaps solve the problem? Is this because she's taking care of the child who was diagnosed with cancer?

- Who decides what will be cooked for dinner?

And OP responded:

It would help if she cooked for them.

Normally me. I will ask them what groceries they want me to buy and get their list. But I'm usually flying solo when dinner prep starts so it's on me.

She later shared this update:

So my husband and his sisters husband are mad at my SIL. She does not want to participate in cooking. She also doesn't think it's fair to expect them to know what they'll wants days or weeks in advance.

Her husband has promised his kids will behave better in the future but SIL doesn't think they were ever rude. She said I was rude for not catering more to the, as guests in our home and people going through a rough time. So IDK what we're going to do. But at least I know where I stand in this.