'AITA for refusing to spend a lot of money on gifts 'from the baby' to my stepdaughters?'
"AITA for refusing to spend a lot of money on gifts 'from the baby' to my stepdaughters?"
My husband (33m) has two daughters (9 and 8) from a previous marriage. He shares custody of them with his ex wife Mina (33f). They divorced 7 years ago. I met him 5 years ago and we're almost 2 years married now. This is my (30f) first biological child.
Things are tense between us and Mina. I mostly stay out of discussions between them because she does not like it and ultimately, the girls don't need more tension between their two homes for the sake of me showing up. That doesn't mean I don't discuss things with my husband or that I'm uninvolved.
But when it comes to communicating with their mom, I don't insist that my voice be heard equally like the two bio and legal parents. My husband would like me to be an equal part of it. But tension is significantly less since I made the decision not to sit in on these discussions, which I would only go to support my husband but even that was something Mina disliked.
I bring this up because this is being taken into consideration on this point. A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, the girls told my husband Mina was pregnant. Mina is single, for anyone who asks, and is pregnant via a donor. They were really excited. When we told them we were expecting they weren't excited.
They see their mom having a baby as different than me having a baby with their dad. We get along so this was a surprise. But they don't see me as a parent so them the baby isn't a sibling. While their mom's baby has just their mom so they're "real siblings". This is something being addressed via therapy and my husband and I talking to them.
Now onto the gifts. Mina bought the girls roughly $500 worth of gifts each that they'll get "from the baby" when she's born. My husband wanted us to do this too and he told me we need to match it at least because they already prefer their sister from mom and still don't see their brother from us as a real sibling.
Neither baby is born yet btw. I told him I didn't think we should spend a lot on gifts like that. My husband said he's worried it's just another negative for our son if we don't. My husband's parents found out through MIna about the gifts and they told us we better do better than that.
I told them it was an insane amount of money to spend for this. They accused me of not caring about the girls and not valuing a good relationship OR a good sibling relationship between them and my son. They think it's unreasonable to not want to spend a lot of money in these circumstances. AITA?
The internet was quick to share their opinions.
DragonCelica wrote:
NTA. I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of a newborn coming out and clutching a gift for their siblings. Unless it's a gift certificate, I'd hope for a c-section. Even then, talk about the worst paper cut of your life 😅
Apologies if I went a bit far. I was just hoping to make you chuckle when I know you're under a lot of stress. If you engage in this competition with Mina, it won't stop here. I have no doubt it'll escalate. Rise above and don't play this game. You're doing the right thing by going to family therapy. I really hope it makes a difference.
OP responded:
It is a funny concept I will admit. Like I get why some parents do it and why there are people who like it. But to me it makes more sense for really little kids who won't understand as much. Even then, to each their own, but the competition aspect for us is just not what I want to engage in.
BettyThomas18 wrote:
NTA. At that age, they know the gifts aren't really from the baby, which makes the whole idea unnecessary. This sets a bad precedent, making them think they need to be appeased for his existence. It feels like another social media trend where parents are expected to buy gifts for siblings when a new baby arrives.
OP responded:
I mostly know it from social media but a few people I actually know who had babies also did this. They said it felt like a good way to excite the older siblings and make them appreciate the new baby because new babies can take up a lot of time. Which I totally get if that's what you want to do. But spending 1k for two kids (and more if you listen to my ILs) it just sounds like it's going way too far.
Dart1126 wrote:
NTA. You shouldn’t have to bribe the girls to accept their new brother. Also, at 8 and 9 they will obviously know these gifts aren’t ‘from the baby’. The whole concept is preposterous and unnecessary. Don’t get anyone in the mindset that you have to buy things for the girls to accept their brother in their lives. It will just foster an expectation that they need to be appeased or apologized to for his mere existence.
somali-beauty wrote:
Can I know why all the comments and OP are so convinced that Mina is trying to create competition and mess up the stepdaughters and the her relationship Because of the gifts?
Because from the post it seems that Mina hardly talks to them and this is on the in laws and husband but y’all like to put the trouble on Mimas head and make her the scapegoat for y’all your problems.
meeeee01 wrote:
NTA - and I do not have children so take this with a grain of salt. If your husband is set on getting them something, I would suggest some home made gift cards for things like a daddy day or ice cream for breakfast, or a movie night etc basically things that they like but don't get all the time.
The things I really remember from my childhood are the times the adults in my life (my parents, aunts and uncles, parents friends etc) made me feel special, and like I had some choice.
My mum and I would watch movies and get fish and chips when my brothers were playing sports and for whatever reason we couldn't go and watch. A friend was looking after me, I think I was 13-14 at the time and asked what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to go to the pub so we went and had dinner there. These were small things for those people but they made a lasting impression on me.
weirwoodheart wrote:
NTA but you should definitely do some things to help them look forward to being siblings to a baby brother. Get them to help pick the toys and books, choose what colour to paint the nursery etc.
OP responded:
We're trying but they say no or they don't care to helping pick things out.
SnooMuffins5160 wrote:
I’ve never once heard of the PREGNANT ladies buying gifts for kids under “gift from baby” was it for their birthdays or something if not then continue reading (still weird for bday cause babies aren’t even born yet?)?
It’s probably a ploy to make the girls shun your son so imo don’t encourage this behaviour it will end up during baby boy’s birthday the girls will want a gift each birthday “from baby boy” when it’s his special day. shut down the behaviour if they end up saying stuff like but our mom was pregnant she gave us stuff! it’s entitled behaviour.
OP responded:
It's not about birthdays. But to improve sibling relationships and maybe help ease any jealousy or feeling like baby takes over after birth. Which for really little kids could make sense but I feel like at a certain age, kids know the gifts aren't from the babies.
RomanceJunkie23 wrote:
Everyone has their own budget and comfort level when it comes to spending, especially on gifts. It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly, and hopefully, they'll understand."
OP responded:
My ILs don't understand. To them it's something we need to do for the sake of the sibling relationship going forward.