'AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father after what he did to my mom and us growing up?'
"AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father after what he did to my mom and us growing up?"
I (29F) grew up in a household where my mom was both mom and dad. My father left us when I was 10 after cheating on my mom multiple times and eventually moving in with another woman. He never paid child support or helped financially, leaving my mom to work two jobs to make ends meet. We struggled a lot—sometimes we didn’t even know if we’d have food on the table.
For years, my father made no effort to be part of my or my siblings’ lives. He didn’t call, visit, or even send a card for birthdays or holidays. It was like we didn’t exist to him. As I got older, I built a life without him and stopped expecting anything.
Recently, I got a call from my older brother (33M), who told me that our dad is now broke, sick, and living in poor conditions after his second wife left him. He’s asking one of us to take him in and care for him. My brother declined because he has a family of his own and can’t take on that responsibility. He suggested I might help since I don’t have kids yet.
When I said no, my dad called me directly for the first time in years. He said I was being ungrateful and heartless, claiming he’s “still my father” and deserves compassion. He also tried to guilt me by saying he regrets his mistakes and just wants a chance to reconnect.
I told him he made his choices years ago and can’t expect me to step in now. He called me selfish and accused me of holding onto the past. Some family members agree with him, saying it’s my duty to help him because “blood is blood.” But I can’t bring myself to forgive someone who left us to suffer when we needed him the most. AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father?
The internet had OP's back all the way.
Usual-Canary-7764 wrote:
Hey dad, you abandoned me 19 years ago and did not bother contacting me. I understand that you regret your mistakes and I empathise with you. Now please allow me to make the mistake of abandoning you too. If you are around in 19 years...we can share stories around our regrets and compare notes. Thanks. NTA OP.
CrabbiestAsp wrote:
NTA. The ONLY reason he is reaching out to 'reconnect' is because he needs something from you. If he was healthy and still with wife #2, he would not be contacting you. If the rest of your family is so set on 'blood is blood', they can help. I wholeheartedly believe that family is what you make it. Relationship dynamics trump sharing DNA. You may not have kids yet, but you have common sense!
rncikwb wrote:
NTA. Tell those family members that if they really believe that blood is blood then they can take care of him. Because it was his “duty” to take care of you when you were growing up but he didn’t. We’re you not his blood then? And if they say “he made a mistake, forgive him” tell them “Well maybe I’m making a mistake now. I expect that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me in future”.
DelayHefty644 wrote:
NTA - Your dad ghosted you for years and now wants help? Nope. He ditched you when you were 10, never paid child support, and made your mom work two jobs. Now he's only calling because he needs something. Your brother's wrong to push this on you just cause you don't have kids. Stay strong and keep those boundaries up.
JanetInSpain wrote:
Nope. NTA. DO NOT TAKE THIS MAN INTO YOUR HOME. "But family" is a stupid reason to allow a b-lly or ab-ser in your life, and he even stopped being family long ago. He stopped being your father when he left and turned his back on you.
He deserves NOTHING. He FAFO. Let him die alone and in poverty. Tell every family member who agrees with him that THEY can take him in. You are not obligated to forgive.
Haterne1a wrote:
NTA. Blood does not obligate you to sacrifice your well-being for someone who chose to be absent during your most challenging times. You're not required to forgive or provide for someone simply because they share your DNA, especially when they failed to fulfill their responsibilities when you needed them.
It's understandable that you want to protect yourself from further emotional harm, considering your father's past actions and his current approach, which seems manipulative rather than genuinely remorseful. Your primary duty is to your own health and happiness. It’s important to maintain boundaries with people who have hurt you, no matter their current circumstances.
Dont-Blame-Me-333 wrote:
NTA but the clown who abandoned his kids, not caring whether they lived or died, is the AH. Blood means nothing when you only use it to sponge off others. Tell him to go whinge to the female he abandoned you for, she got much more than you after all. Merely sperm donors don't get anything from us - not even a headstone. If others love him so much, tell him they volunteer - you don't.
HammingBr wrote:
NTA. You are absolutely within your right to not take him in. In fact, you should block his number. This isn’t a man who saw the error of his ways and has been trying to rebuild his relationship with you. This is a desperate AH who forgot you even existed until he needed something from you. He made his decision years ago and NEVER LOOKED BACK.