'AITA for refusing to go to Thanksgiving because of my mom’s boyfriend?'
"AITA for refusing to go to Thanksgiving because of my mom’s boyfriend?"
My mom Lisa (56F) and I (17F) have a rocky relationship. I’m close with my older brothers, Max (35M) and Alex (30M), but we have different dads. My parents divorced when I was 3, and I’ve never had a stable father figure. My mom remarried when I was 4 to a man who was emotionally abusive and caused me a lot of trauma.
They divorced three years ago, which was a huge relief for me.
A few months ago, my mom started dating again. Her first boyfriend, Bobby, was nice, but she broke it off quickly, saying she “never really liked him.” Then she started dating her current boyfriend, Mike, about two months ago.
The first time I met him, he handed me the keys to my first car—a car I paid $2,000 for, with the rest from my mom and grandma. It felt weird and awkward, like he was trying to act like a dad. Mike didn’t make a good impression on my family either. At Max’s recent 35th birthday brunch, Mike spent the whole time talking about himself and his kids, ignoring Max entirely.
My mom spends most of her time at Mike’s house now, leaving me to cook and grocery shop for myself. I’ve told her I’m not ready to get to know him because of my trauma from past “father figures,” but she calls me selfish, even though I’ve been in therapy since I was 8. Now, my mom and Mike are hosting Thanksgiving, but Max and his family aren’t coming because they don’t like Mike.
I told my mom I’d rather spend the day with Max and his kids, and she accused me of being selfish and disrespectful. I’ve always wanted a good stable family, and spending Thanksgiving with a man I barely know and his children is not my ideal scenario. Especially after spending everything Thanksgiving as a child with my crappy stepdad. So, AITA?
The internet was quick to share their thoughts.
Prize-Bumblebee-2192 wrote:
NTA. You need to take care of yourself. It’s your mom who is the selfish one.
Doesn’t care to even ask you talk about how things could change or how to make you more comfortable.
Just me, me, me - it’s my thanksgiving.
It’s YOUR THANKSGIVING too. Do what you need to do and be with the family you want to be with.
Nikosma wrote:
NTA - Your mom clearly is trying to fulfill some emptiness inside her by chasing after a partner. That doesn't mean you have to be there. You are almost 18 at this point anyway. I would go to my brother's and spend Thanksgiving with people who love and support me.
BTW - A gift doesn't cost anything....so unless he's giving you cash back for that car, you bought it fair and square. I say this incase him or your mom starts guilting you for nonsense.
bamf1701 wrote:
NTA. You have every reason to be cautious about your mom’s new boyfriends. It seems not only does she not have good judgment, but she has failed to put her kids above her own desires. You are not the one being selfish and disrespectful.
dryadduinath wrote:
NTA. Ask your brother if you can attend, it sounds like it could be a great time (and maybe the start of a great tradition? Who can say) and it also sounds like this is a relationship you should focus on nurturing. Your mom can talk, but you are not the one being selfish. Deciding to host with her bf of two months rather than her children is short sighted at best.
OP responded:
My brother is debating on whether to go out of town on Thanksgiving or stay and do something at home. I’m hoping it’s the latter so I can spend Thanksgiving surrounded by the comfort of my family, in this case, it’s just my brother.
I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of spending Thanksgiving with Mike and his family as I barely know the guy. I appreciate your response and I’m hoping I can spend it with my brother.
Individual-Paint7897 wrote:
NTA. Go have a wonderful time at your brother’s house. Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. It sounds like she has terrible judgement when picking men, & prioritizes her s*x life over her children. If I ever found out that any man was traumatizing my child, he would have been out the door in a hot second. Do yourself a favor & never take romantic advice from her.
I am concerned that it sounds like you are a victim of neglect though. Is there any way you can move in with your brother? You are still a minor & she needs to act like a mom. A call to CPS may be in order.
MaeSilver909 wrote:
NTA. At 17 you’re old enough to choose where to spend the holiday. You want to spend it with your brother & his family, enjoy your day and have a blast. At this point in your life, a father figure is not in the cards. At least my experience. When you meet your person who you want to spend your life’s journey with, you may gain a father figure. I wish you a happy holiday season.
DeepOkra-1461 wrote:
NTA. There's nothing wrong with spending Thanksgiving with your brother and his family. Your mom makes bad choices with men, you already know that. That's not going to change. Mike's flaws are already starting to show. You can't do anything about that but you can get away now and then, such as at Thanksgiving.
Kezarlake wrote:
NTA. It’s my belief that a mother should put her children before a man - especially one she hasn’t know for long. If your brother isn’t available, do you have any friends you could stay with for a day or two? Please know that it’s your mother that’s being selfish and disrespectful in this situation, not you. Your feelings are valid.