'AITA for refusing to wake my BF up in the morning? This made him almost lose his job.' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to wake my boyfriend up in the morning, which made him almost lose his job?"
So I (25f) have been with my boyfriend (25m) for almost a year, and during our entire relationship he has struggled with waking up in the morning because of his ADHD.
He sleeps through all of his alarms, which usually means he is late for work. Sometimes i's only 10-15 minutes, but it can also stretch to 1 hour. His boss likes him and has given him plenty of chances, but yesterday he got his last warning that if he doesn't show up on time he will lose his job.
We have had a couple of discussions/arguments about this over the last year because he believes it's my responsibility, as his girlfriend, to wake him up. But I don't. Despite me waking up from his alarms and being able to shove him out of bed (if need be), I don't think it´s my responsibility.
He is an adult, has known about his ADHD since he was a child, and should by now have found some method that works. Him making it my responsibility turns me into a caregiver, a mother, instead of a girlfriend. This doesn't mean I refuse to help him whatsoever. I have done plenty of research to find alternative methods, but either it didn´t work or he refuses to do it.
And I do wake him when his alarms go off, but he decides to go back to sleep right after. Had he not done that, I would gladly wake him up every single day. And I know this is only my perspective, and is most likely not true from his, but when he decides to just go back to sleep it makes it seem like he doesn't want to try.
Not to mention the fact that he is especially grumpy/angry in the mornings and have, on several occasions, yelled at me for both waking him up and for not waking him up. And I don't want to help if he is just going to get mad (even though I know he doesn´t mean it).
But when his boss gave him his last warning yesterday, I felt so much guilt. Because had I just woken him up, and been persistent, he wouldnn't be in this situation. So I am at an impasse. Is it my responsibility, am I in the wrong for not helping, or should he, as an adult, be able to do this by himself? Because I kinda feel like the AH, but also not.
After the post gained traction, OP soon shared an update.
EDIT: I feel like I should mention more to the reason I don't want to wake him up. I's not like I can´t, since I´m already awake, but first of all this affects my day too. I can't go to sleep before him, because our bedroom doesn't have a door (small apartment) so if he's watching TV or gaming it keeps me awake.
This means I don't get enough sleep either, so when I have to do uni work during the day (before I have work in the evenings) I zone out and usually fall asleep (physically can´t keep my eyes open). Which is why I wish I could keep sleeping for an hour or so longer, without having to worry if he got up or not. But I also don't want this responsibility because I love him.
I want him to be independent, and I know we're in a relationship and we're supposed to depend on each other. And we do. But I don't want him to depend on me to get him to work on time, or to keep his economy in check or anything that would turn his life upside down should we break up. I need to know he can take care of himself in case something happens.
The internet was quick to share their opinions.
RantyMcthrowaway wrote:
NTA. I could've written this post a few months ago! Well, except for how your boyfriend handled it. My fiancé has ADHD and had a similar issue. He used to set 10 alarms on his phone and would constantly snooze them. Eventually the alarms just turned off altogether. Really pissed me off, he's always done that but it's different when you have someone sleeping next to you.
He got a warning from work too, but never once did he put the responsibility on me to wake him up, or get mad at me over it. He bought an alarm that cannot be snoozed. He sets it for the exact time he needs to get up, so he knows the alarm means GTF UP!!! We also looked into alarms that require you to do something before they stop, but that was a last resort in case the former idea didn’t work.
(Edit: I asked him about it and was slightly misinformed, he does have to do something! The app he got is on Android and it's called Puzzle Alarm Clock, you can disable the snooze function and when it goes off he has to solve a math puzzle to switch it off - he leaves the room to let me sleep while he does it, and it's worked every time so far).
He's not been late for work since. It was hard for a couple weeks until he built the routine. He also sleeps longer and has a better quality of sleep without being in a semi-awake state for an hour before he gets up.
Don't feel guilty for things that are his responsibility. He is a grown man. Don't let him guilt you either. If he were single he wouldn't even have the option of someone waking him, but regardless it's not your fault! Time for him to put on his big boy pants.
Less-Classic9021 wrote:
NTA. IF he was single, sleeping alone, he'd either found a way, or be in same trouble anyway. Instead of owning his problem, he tried to make it yours, and it backfired.
Amstroid wrote:
NTA, as a fellow ADHDer, I've been in the same situation before. He's 25year and should have build up some routine regarding his sleeppaterns and mornings. He cannot refuse alternative methods and then expect you to wake him up. One thing that has helped me waking up on time and with a fresh, clear head, is a wake-up light (from Philips) on full brightness.
Those light up to room slowly, 30minutes before the alarm goes off and they trigger the right wakeywakey hormones. This might/will be a disadvantage for you, but once he has a routine build up, he can experiment with the brightness. And put the alarm away from your bed, so that he has to stand up to dissable it. I'm curious, does he ever complain about a cloudy or foggy mind?
OP responded:
I don't think he´s complained about a foggy mind, why? Could that affect how he wakes up?
We have also considered trying the wake-up light, maybe that will be what finally works.
Peony-Pony wrote:
NTA Alarms and devices are manufactured to assist the hard of hearing and deaf to wake up. Your boyfriend had no excuse to wake up on his own. He needs to research devices that are available for people with ADHD to assist them waking up.
"We have had a couple of discussions/arguments about this over the last year because he believes it´s my responsibility, as his girlfriend, to wake him up."
Baloney. He needs to take ownership for his responsibilities. Hundreds of thousands of people with ADHD wake up and get to work on time me. If he lived alone he couldn't use you as an excuse.