'AITA for refusing to go on a week-long vacation with my husband's family for his dad's 60th birthday?'
"AITA for refusing to go on a week-long vacation with my husband's family for his dad's 60th birthday?"
My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been together since we were 16. In all the years we've been together, his family has never really made an effort to get to know me or build any kind of real relationship. Meanwhile, my husband and I are both very close to my family — holidays, birthdays, casual hangouts, all of it.
After we got married a couple of years ago, not much changed. His family still has very limited contact with us (months go by without a call or text) — mostly just showing up to dinner for birthdays and major holidays.
I’ve always felt like an outsider, and it’s hard for me to show up and pretend like we’re one big happy family when the truth is they’ve never really included me or made me feel welcome.
Some examples:
1) his mom's birthday is just two days away from mine, and she refused to acknowledge my birthday until we were married.
2) I have always passed on gifts for holidays, anniversaries and mother's day etc. even though if I was not invited or included, but the gesture has never been reciprocated until after we were married and my husband had to make a point to his mom to get me a Christmas gift.
Now, his dad is turning 60, which I understand is a big milestone. I’m happy to celebrate with them and attend any kind of party or dinner. But here’s the issue: his mom wants to plan a week long trip to an all-inclusive resort to celebrate and expects us to join.
I’ve already voiced to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this. Aside from the obvious cost (around $4,000 for both of us), I really don’t want to spend 7 days of my limited vacation time making small talk and pretending to be close with people who’ve never shown real interest in getting to know me.
I feel like I’m being asked to fake a relationship that doesn’t exist, and honestly, that feels draining and disrespectful to my own time and emotional energy. It just feels fake.
My husband understands how I feel, but I can tell he’s torn. I told him I support him going if he wants to, but I personally don’t want to go. So... AITA for not wanting to spend a week on vacation with my in-laws?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your reasons why you don't feel like going on this trip are totally valid. It´s understandable, that your husband is torn between you and his family, but it would be a different story, if you told him not to go either. You don't have a close relationship with his family, it´s a lot of money and no matter why you don't feel comfortable with this, you just don't, and therefore should not be forced to go.
Why not go for just 3 nights? You don't have to go the whole week.
NTA. No harm in them asking but a week of PTO wasted in forced company and in an all-inclusive? That's a hard pass from me.
NTA. This is between you and your husband. If you decide to go, it would be to support HIS wishes, not MIL's. Has your husband ever gone along with you on a vacation with your family? If so, then it would seem only fair for you to go with him on this one. IF he wants you to.
You've "never been" close to your in-laws. It seems to me that if you WANT to be closer, even if only for your husband's sake, this would be an opportunity for you to get closer. And for sure if you DON'T go, then you will be firmly cementing the wall between you and MIL.
PS. I made the choice to go away for college, accept a job 400 miles from my hometown, and marry a "local." So of course we spend a lot more time with my in-laws than my family. Still, I appreciate it when my wife makes the effort to visit with my family, even though she is a lot less comfortable with them than I am with her family.
NTA. They've shut you out at every point and made it clear where you stand. I mean, they've had since you were 16 yo to get to know you. I don't know about other parents, but we always tried to get to know our kids' partners no matter how long the relationships lasted. Hell, some of them still consider us bonus parents and we're fond of them, too.
It's really kind of sad that your husband doesn't really have your back on this, but the practical solution is that he deal with his family (gifts, events, everything) and while he's gone you go spend time with your family. I have a long time policy of never going where I'm not welcome and if that involves family, so be it.
It makes for less drama and BS in my life. A warning, though, they might decide to change all that when grandchildren begin arriving. Just watch how they treat them. If they are still ignoring you, you may have to put an end to their nonsense.
NTA. You are going to pay thousands to be ignored and deal with tension you haven’t done anything to create. For what? A man who barely speaks to you and has no reciprocal relationship with you? Your husband can go alone. You have work to do.
NTA. People have different styles and how they interact as a family. Maybe their unwelcoming nature is not exactly intentional and maybe it is but I will say most people don’t invite someone they hate on a week long vacation. At the same time you are not comfortable with them and I can totally understand not wanting to spend your vacation time on this trip.