'AITA for reminding my mom she said we couldn't have a relationship with her if we didn't accept her husband?'

"AITA for reminding my mom she said we couldn't have a relationship with her if we didn't accept one with her husband?"

My mom has me (27m) and my sister (29f) with our late dad. He passed when I was 10 and my sister was 12 and when I was 15 my mom got remarried. Her husband is "Frank" (fake name). From the very start my sister and I had issues with Frank. We have bigger and smaller issues. The two big issues are/were:

He insisted that nobody mention dad in his presence. Didn't matter who we were with or where we were it was not allowed. This included the times he tagged along when we went to see anyone from dad's side of the family. He would invite himself and then enforce this rule or he'd make us leave.

Mom let this happen. Even on dad's anniversary or birthday we couldn't talk about him if Frank was around and that included asking mom if she wanted to come to the grave with us. Frank actually yelled at my sister during her graduation dinner because she had mentioned dad in her speech.

He inserted himself deeply into the relationship with our dad's side of the family. We could visit anyone on mom's side without issue. He didn't even care if we said anything to him.

But the second it was someone from dad's side and he found out we only mentioned it to mom he would scold us and insist we needed to ask his permission to see them. Then he'd tag along frequently and invite himself to see them too. This went for a lot of stuff. Mom had already stopped coming with us before she even met Frank.

But he insisted on being there and if my sister or I said we didn't want him to come then he told us we couldn't go. If whoever we went to see didn't want Frank inside the house he'd say then we weren't allowed inside either. Once my sister moved out he was pissed that she spent more time with dad's side and he tried to tell her what to do still. She was having none of it.

My sister and I talked to mom about ALL our issues with Frank and we told her we didn't want a relationship with him.

She always told us we needed to have one with him to have one with her. We took her at her word and my sister stopped talking to her and once I moved out so did I. We stopped going to see her or spending holidays with her (and Frank). We didn't invite her over or initiate any contact. She brought it up a few times how we were bad at maintaining the relationship and we told her we weren't.

We just weren't maintaining it but she ignored us. She tried to come and see us a few times. We told her no Frank so she never came. We let her birthday pass without any acknowledgement and when she'd tell us about Frank's birthdays we'd work to forget the date.

A few weeks ago I got engaged. I didn't tell my mom or ask anyone else to but the news got to her. She was upset she didn't hear it from me and upset I said no to he throwing an engagement party for us. She never even met my fiancée which was something else that upset her. She asked how she's supposed to meet her for the first time at the wedding and I told her she's not supposed to.

I said she won't be invited. My mom did not expect that at all and she asked me why. I told her Frank is not welcome and she made it perfectly clear she won't come. I reminded her that she said we can't have a relationship with her if we won't have one with Frank and I told her it would be over my dead body that I have a relationship with him.

My mom said we were supposed to love her enough to accept Frank and I told her I do not have to have a relationship with the man who would kick up a fuss over my dad being mentioned in his presence and who tried to control the relationship I had with my family. I reminded her dad is still my dad and I'd find a way to incorporate his memory into the wedding.

I asked her if Frank would tolerate that or if he'd start yelling like at my sister's graduation. She told me she doesn't want to lose both her kids and she loves us. I told her we love her but we're not willing to accept that man she calls a husband. Then she told me I was being so unfair and when she said what she did we could have talked about it more.

That reminding her like this wasn't right. I said this was the consequences of her actions. I told her I could live with the consequences of not accepting Frank. That I can sleep fine at night knowing our relationship is what it is. And it isn't my problem if she can't do the same. Now she's upset and angry and apparently I'm the bad guy in her eyes. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

BennyWithoutJets wrote:

NTA. Frank is a coward and an empty, weak, pathetic person and he knows it, and he hates himself for it. F. That. Guy. Anyone who punished a child for the crime of grieving a parent for the sake of their own fear and inadequacy deserves worse than being cut out of your life.

What an absolute piece of trash. I am so sorry you had to grow up with such an awful person in your life during the most painful time in your life. That said; your mother drew the line, and stood on her side of it. She chose to have a life with him. You have every right to cut that man from your life.

OP responded:

I don't believe for one second he hates himself. He feels he's too important to really hate himself. All he cares about is his own petty feelings. Never mind the fact he married a widow and a widow with kids at that. That's not important as long as he's okay with what happens. Honestly it feels more controlling and even a#$sive than insecure. I know the argument can be made that one creates the other. But still.

That's what it all boils down to. Mom gave us two choices. Accept and include Frank and have a relationship with her and don't and we won't have one with her. With only two options I chose the one I could live with. My sister did the same. But now mom can't handle what it means.

Aggressive_Cup8452 wrote:

And somehow in her mind she still made herself the victim of (her) choices.

NTA. She's probably going to have another "oh Pikachu " face for you when she doesn't get an invite to the wedding.

OP responded:

Or she'll do everything she can to try and change my mind/our minds before the wedding.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 wrote:

Unless its divorce and disavowing Frank, I don't see it happening, and honestly OP, I think she lied just to go. But its important you and your sister hold firm, you need to establish these firm boundaries before but of your start families because you definitely don't want your Mom assuming her and Frank get grandparent privileges.

OP responded:

It'll definitely all be a lie because she'll either bring Frank without permission OR she'll bring him knowing he will start yelling. The fact she expected any different after my sister's graduation alone says everything.

SweetMaam wrote:

Frank is controlling. NTA.

OP responded:

Yes he is and he's an angry man when you defy him.

Ancient-Highlight112 wrote:

Your mother has no respect for her grown children who wish to remember their father. I hope you're still not living at home.

OP responded:

Long since moved out. That's why the only contact we ever have is when she reaches out and I don't answer every time either.

East_Membership606 wrote:

You're not the villain here you're the victim of an insecure man who's thrown everyone into a lose-lose situation unless your mom puts down boundaries. And at this point that ship sailed years ago. Your mom should have said something to Frank when they got serious.

If she did say something then she should have adhered to it and not hoped her kids would be okay with the expectation of forgetting their father. Especially from what you put in your post which indicates a loving father that was lost too soon. Your wedding is your wedding and you deserve to have the guest list that you want.

OP responded:

My dad was taken from us too soon. Way way way too soon. He should be here to meet his grandchildren in the future, should be watching me get married. He should have seen us both enter high school and graduate. He should have reached his 40s but he didn't.

As a dad he was incredible and I feel like his loss cuts even deeper because there were times I really wanted him for advice but he's gone, I can't go to him for advice. I can't call and hear his voice ever again. He taught me so much about how to be a good dad when my time comes for that. I wish I could have seen him as a grandpa. It would have been amazing to see.

NoContest916 wrote:

Mom chooses new husband over her own children, what did she expect will happen?

OP responded:

She expected us to be so desperate to hold onto our relationships with her that we would tolerate him.