'AITA if I remove a bridesmaid from my wedding party when I'm their Maid of Honour?'
"AITA if I remove a bridesmaid from my wedding party when I'm their Maid of Honour?"
I (32f) gathered my future bridesmaids the other day for wedding dress shopping. One of my BM's (Cherry, 29f) was the second to arrive, and after giving her a formal “will you be my bridesmaid” gift, she made the comment “we all know I should be your Maid of Honour”.
This threw me off a bit because even prior to getting engaged, always been firm and clear with my friends that my bff will be my MOH. What’s more, is that she said this in front of another bridesmaid bestie of mine (Skylar 30f).
I stated that it’s rude to say that as my position on who would be my MOH has been firm for years longer than my friendship with Cherry. Cherry quipped back that since I’m her MOH it’s only fair that she be mine, and then semi-sulked throughout the dress try-ons.
Fast forward to lunch, it’s 3 of my bridesmaids and some family, and she asks loudly how much I’ll be spending on my wedding. I state that it’s a private matter between my fiancé and I.
Then she turns the conversation to her own wedding which is a year after mine, and how much money she saved by buying used, how she’s planning on only spending $10k and that I should come to her for planning and advice.
I thank her, and reinforce again that my fiancé and I will be planning our wedding based on our budget, and venue and vendor availabilities for our wedding. She then turns the conversations to BM outfits and colours, and as I’m doing a specific colour scheme, I give her a colour range to choose from.
Dress choice is their own as I want my bridesmaids to look and feel their best. In front of everyone, she demanded that she have first choice of dress colour and that she wanted someone else’s palette range.
At this point I don’t know what else to say and dhe goes on to say that I’m her MOH and that she would never do this to me (which she has given me zero choice on things).
When I got home later that day with Skylar, she made a comment that she felt pretty uncomfortable with Cherry, and I also received a call from my MOH with some concerns over her interactions with Cherry, and how it felt like Cherry wants to be the centre of attention for everything wedding related on my end.
I can’t say that I don’t disagree with their feelings and perspectives. In reality (and this makes me feel like an AH), I didn’t want to have Cherry in my Bridal Party, as I have other closer friends that I want there with me.
However, I felt obligated as she made me her MOH, and has been vocal about being in my wedding party for a few years of my relationship. I’m preparing to have a heartfelt conversation with her about this, and set the expectation that if she continues with this path of statements and attitude that I’ll have to remove her from the wedding party.
AITA if I do this? I live a very “go with the flow” lifestyle and am approaching the wedding planning with my fiancé in the same way, and it’s making me anxious having these kind of interactions and energy involved in the process.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The wedding is the current focus of her attitude, but I suspect she's always been like this on a micro scale, you just haven't noticed because those times and events didn't matter as much as your wedding.
Be prepared for the friendship to implode as asking someone to step down as a bridesmaid because of their appalling behaviour won't be taken well, especially by someone with main character syndrome. Also expect her to ask you to no longer be MOH.
Assuming she doesn't explode on you, consider if you still want her to be a guest as she will probably make passive aggressive comments all day about the dresses and venue and the budget and how her day will be better and blah blah blah. I'm not saying that to stop you from talking to her, it's just a recommendation so you're not blindsided by her reaction. NTA.
Fox_Tracks (OP)
I really appreciate this response and insight. You’re right, when I reflect on our friendship it’s been there all along, and I just kind of went with the flow of things. Trying to take the reigns on my own important event has just brought to light something I didn’t want to a knowledge and deal with.
I wouldn't even give her the benefit of a heartfelt chat at this point, she's already proven herself to be boorish & entitled. Contrary to Cherry's belief, MOH isn't a quid-pro-quo position. In fact, it seems she's using your agreement to serve as hers to manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do.
My advice is cut her loose entirely, she has a full year to replace you as her MOH if she decides to choose someone else herself, & I promise you do not want to be dealing with her flavor of nonsense on your wedding day. NTA. Good luck.
Fox_Tracks (OP)
Thank you! I’m overall a non-confrontational person and have been good at being clear with my thoughts, actions and boundaries and it’s definitely outside of my comfort zone to have to deal with someone overstepping. Gonna have to grow some cojones and nip it in the bud before it’s too late.
NTA. She's already ruffled feathers on 2 events and turned the conversation to her wedding each time, this will keep happening and escalating. You didn't even want her as a bridesmaid in the first place so rip off the bandage, sit her down, explain that it's not working, & you won't have her holding your position of Maid of Honor at her wedding over your head, especially for an entire year.
If it makes you feel better then resign as MOH. Yes she will get upset, yes it's likely to affect you friendship, but it's going to affect your wedding if you don't and your friendship because of that anyway. She doesn't get to make demands, she doesn't get to know your budget, she doesn't get to blackmail you with a position in her wedding.