'AITA for returning my homemade wife’s birthday gift me and telling her I don’t want it?'
"AITA for returning my homemade wife’s birthday gift me and telling her I don’t want it? I then went out and bought what I actually wanted."
I need an outside opinion on this. This has been an ongoing issue that I have talked to her multiple times about. My wife makes less money than me and is the type of people who prefers to make her own gifts for people. The issue is she will do this even if the person doesn't want this.I will use myself as an example.
For the past few years she has made every single gift I have been given.
No matter what I asked for I get a homemade gift, doesn't matter if it is cheap or not.
Last Christmas I asked for a new a few things and I got a homemade scarf. I always get her stuff she want. I have talked to her about this multiple time. My birthday was yesterday and I asked her to give me a book. It was only 25 dollars and I sent her the link. I opened the gift and she made some homemade bookmarks. It wasn't even the type of bookmarks I like.
They were made from fabric and I like the wooden ones. I must have made a face because she asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want these. I made it so clear what I actually wanted and I have talked to her so many times. I handed them back and went out to buy the book. We had a big fight when I got back, she claims I am being ungrateful and a jerk.
The internet had a lot to say about this quandary.
OrangeCubit wrote:
How disparate is your wife’s income compared to yours? Does she have access to your income? Is she living in poverty while you have cash to throw around?
OP responded:
I make a about 30k more than her, we have shared accounts and I pay for most things. Like the mortgage. she makes about 40k before taxes - she has enough money to buy a 25 dollar books . She also could just use the shared account also.
Infinite_Peanut1216 wrote:
NTA uggghh my ex used to do this. it’s not about the gift it’s about her intentionally and without remorse overriding your requests. Her behavior is dismissive and that shit will breed resentment and resentment kills relationships.
Gift giving should be about the recipient. A gift is a tangible representation of our care and appreciation of a person it should be catered to the recipient’s preferences. Hopefully her disregard for your preferences isn’t malicious but either way she’s basically saying “i know better than you” which really sucks especially from a loved one.
Sit her down and explain that you are an autonomous being with preferences and her behavior is hurtful and dismissive of you. And don’t let her weasel out of it with “ooohh I spent so much time on it blah blah blah”. She’s showing you she doesn’t see you, you’re not an NPC in her story. You’re deserving of consideration and this behavior is doing the opposite.
Fit_Government5736 wrote:
NTA. This is like the scenario where a boyfriend/husband buys a woman lingerie for her birthday. It’s not really a gift for the recipient, it’s a gift for the giver. SHE thinks gifts should be homemade so that’s what SHE wants to give her husband regardless that he has given her very low cost options of things he would like to receive.
I’m not one to be on the double-standard bandwagon here, but I believe that this is genuinely one of those times when if the roles were reversed, it would be a very obvious NTA verdict and the husband would be crucified in the comments.
PracticalPrimrose wrote:
I admit, I thought I’d be coming down on the Y T A side of the equation.
But nope, NTA.
$25 book is not an extravagant expense. She could’ve even paired some handmade bookmarks or book corners if she still wanted to have handmade touch. Or even something fun like two copies of the book so you guys could read it together as your own family book club. I would love to do something like that my husband.
Or if you guys have children, she could’ve included a cute coupon that she’d watch the kids for an hour to give you a chance to jumpstart your brand new book . There are so many ways that she could’ve tapped into this really simple request to make it special and meaningful and she just…didn’t.
Federal_Dust wrote:
NTA. Sure, a heartfelt, handmade gift is a beautiful gesture...IF it's something the giftee wants. Consistently disregarding your partner's requests or preferences so you can gift them what YOU want instead of what THEY would like is obnoxious, self-centered, and is a quick way to make your partner feel not seen.
I went through this with an ex -- receiving bizarre gifts in sizes and styles I would never wear or for hobbies I've never expressed an interest in -- and had to explain to him that they make me feel like he doesn't even know me.
Full_Babygirl wrote:
NTA - you clarified in a comment that she does earn enough to afford the book. It’s just inconsiderate to not listen to your partner when they have repeatedly voiced what they want. Is this a frugal thing or a power play thing where she just decides what you want? Respect needs to go two-ways and I’m guessing she enjoys her gifts.
Amohkali wrote:
This will get downvoted, but telling someone what to buy you when you have the money/make more than the other person seems wrong. Just buy the book, don't hurt your wife's feelings over a cost you have already said is trivial.
You sent her a link. In that same amount of time you could have ordered the book. She put effort significantly beyond clicking a couple of links on her browser, and you got angry about it.
You have plenty of people telling you that you are justified in treating her this way, but you clearly felt bad enough about it to at least question your response. That suggests you might be willing to look at the other side. Hope you do, for your marriage's sake.