'AITA for threatening to ruin my granddaughter's relationship with her mother and adoptive father when she's older?'
"AITA for threatening to ruin my granddaughter's relationship with her mother and adoptive father when she's older?"
I (50s) lost my son Miles 7 years ago. Miles had been happily married to Katy and they had just become parents to little Fia when Miles died. At first Katy remained close to our family and we helped her and Fia as much as we could. Helping in all ways I should say.
Then 7 months after Miles died Katy met another man and started dating him. It was difficult but she was young and we understood her wanting to find happiness again. But things soured after they had been together for a year.
Katy told us she wanted to Fia calling us grandma, grandpa, aunts and uncles and instead wanted to be family friends. She said her new man was going to be Fia's dad and she didn't want Fia to grow up embracing him less because of Miles and us.
We were not okay with this, of course, and I tried to communicate with Katy in a calm and caring way but she told us she wanted Fia to have a dad. Not a stepdad. Not a second dad. She said she wanted her new man to be the dad. I told her I was hurt she wanted to replace Miles and she proceeded to scream at me.
Things became nasty after this and we tried to fight to see Fia still. But then she and her new man got married and her new man adopted Fia which in our state severs all grandparental visitation we could get. Our relationship with Fia ended completely at that point and she was too young to remember us.
Katy blocked us and there was no contact for the last 4 years. But then my husband and I came into some money and this was public knowledge. Shortly after Katy told us she and her family had fallen on some hard times and she wanted us to put Fia first and give some money to the family.
We said we would gladly send Fia things but we would not support the rest of them. This led to an argument with Katy. She blocked us again but then two weeks later she asked again and said we should think of Fia.
I told her we were and we always would. I said one day we would be reaching out and letting Fia know we love and want a relationship with her. I warned Katy I would not lie to my granddaughter.
Katy told me Fia has no idea the man raising her isn't her dad and I would destroy her relationship with them if I told her. I told her she destroyed Fia's relationship with one whole side of her family and erased Miles, Fia's dad, the man who is half responsible for Fia existing.
And I told her she deserves to know all of this. She deserves to know her dad loved her and we love her. Katy told me I was a bitter and spiteful woman and I would be a monster if I follow through. She aimed some very colorful language at me and ended the call and blocked me again.
The only reason I am posting here is because I love Fia and I want to know her, for her to know us and to know about Miles one day. But is that selfish of me? AITA for saying I would tell her which in Katy's eyes is making a threat.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. It’s outrageous that she’s asking for money. What a greedy grub.
You don't owe your granddaughter's mother your silence. You didn't sign an NDA to never tell Fia she's got paternal family. However, telling Fia the truth would absolutely be disruptive to her life because of the fiction her mother is raising her in: that her stepfather is her bio father, and you and the rest of her paternal family don't exist.
It's disgusting Fia's mother only reached out to your family when she heard there was money. Of course you want to benefit your granddaughter, but I'm betting her mother isn't trustworthy in that regard. She sounds selfish and greedy. Hard to make a judgment because the situation is complicated, but I tend towards NTA. I wish you well, for what it's worth.
While I don’t think it’s unreasonable to make contact when she’s an adult, I would manage your expectations that it’s going to absolutely ruin their relationship and that she’s going to want to be close with you guys instead of the family that’s raised her. They should tell her that her father isn’t her biological father, but that omission might not be as fatal to their relationship as you’re hoping.
Signal-Estate5402 (OP)
All I want is a relationship with my granddaughter. Whether that hurts the relationship with her mother and adoptive father is not the priority. It's being in Fia's life again and knowing her. Katy is the one who mentioned it ruining their relationship and I can't find it in me to care if it does.
I think it’s totally reasonable to reach out with that wish when she’s an adult, but if she isn’t interested in having a relationship then I think you should be prepared to respect her wishes.
I just think it would be very sad for you to be blindsided again and that if you expect she will for certain want a relationship, you may be disappointed if she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s always possible that someone’s feelings don’t align with your own.
Signal-Estate5402 (OP)
I know. And trust me, I hate Katy even more knowing Fia might grow up and not want a relationship with us. I'll never forgive that woman for doing this to all of us. Fia and us. She wants to use us when convenient and deny us a real relationship. I never expected Fia to be taken away like this and it breaks my heart. But I will respect Fia's decision no matter what it is.