'AITA for sending my kids to their dad instead of implementing his decisions myself?'
"AITA for sending my kids to their dad instead of implementing his decisions myself?"
Hi all, my husband and I are recently separated and heading for a divorce. We have three children, two together and one that he brought into the marriage and they are all mostly staying with me. Our kids and I have all been going for MMA classes once a week for about a year before the separation and I think it was great.
We were having fun, it was great bonding, great exercise and especially for me and the girls a great way to increase our confidence. As part of our separation agreement, dad insisted that the kids stop MMA, because it's "too aggressive" and he doesn't want them to "turn out like" me.
I agreed to stop taking them, because there were surely bigger things at stake and I didn't feel like that should be my hill to pass on. I tried to gently explain to the kids that we are not going to do MMA anymore and to pick a different activity.
Still, I didn't really know how to explain why, without blaming their dad or without claiming something I absolutely don't believe and can't defend (MMA will make them aggressive), sooo I send them to dad whenever they ask. And most especially our middle child on the spectrum asks about it a lot (she asks to go every single week and usually cries when I say no).
Now my husband is mad at me that I keep sending the kids to him whenever they ask about going for MMA again or about why we stopped instead of just implementing "our decision." AITA here? I'm not badmouthing him or anything. Just when a kid asks to go I tell them "ooh let's ask daddy about it. Let's call him right now." Or something along those lines.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Environmental_Art591 wrote:
My autistic son can get violent with his meltdowns (I can control the environment for him at home to be safe for him and everyone else but still working with his school on safety while he learns to "deal with" his emotions to avoid melt downs).
All this is to say that IF that is the case with OPs daughter, i can see the fathers POV regarding her and not wanting to single her out, so making it a "sibling wide decision."
BUT (how do I increase size in mobile to emphasize this more). Given the "violent just like OP" comment i don't think ex actually cares about "saftey" and is more using this to punish OP and is only upset by OP making the kids ask him "why" because he wanted her to be the bad guy and could have even been planning on reinstating the MMA once he had "won" the divorce/custody process.
OP responded:
Thanks for bringing this up, but my girl is definitely not aggressive. She does sometimes accidentally hurt people because she somehow doesn't have a very good control of her body though, so I thought maybe activities like that could actually help her. It's one of the reasons we originally started.
Labelloenchanted wrote:
ESH because you should be fighting for your kids. Your husband is being controlling and you're letting him have that power over your lives. It will start will MMA, but it won't stop there. Soon, he'll be controlling who you're dating, how you're parenting, what you're doing in your free time. Put a stop to it immediately, send your kids back to their MMA practice.
OP responded:
Well I agreed to stop it. In writing. We both signed it, so the damage here is done unless he changes his mind. At the time I felt it was a small trade-off for not being forced to move out of the house the children are used to and for being able to stay with them the majority of the time.
immediateallaboutme wrote:
I firmly believe all girls and women should have a form of self-defense training. It concerns me that your husband wants to actively deny your girls and you that security. The people who they train to defend themselves against in MMA are going to be rough.
As a woman who trained with a class of men, I have used it twice to defend myself in the real world and was very glad I had trained hard and could really use it to put big men down. (I took down a man over 6 feet tall who put his hands on me, it works!) DO NOT deny your children the opportunity to train to defend themselves. This IS a hill worth dying on. If you don't, you are enabling your ex's misogyny.
OP responded:
Thank you! I'm sure as things calm down with time, we'll be able to start up a different marital art, like maybe Judo or Capoera as someone here mentioned?, or something else that has a better reputation. Not right now though.
hannahsangel wrote:
NTA but you need to be straight with them and just say unfortunately your dad no longer wants you to do MMA so you will have to leave it with him. But honestly why can't you take your children to an activity they enjoy with you on your time.
OP responded:
I did try gently explaining it, but they do have a hard time just accepting that no. So as they keep asking to start again, I just tell them "let's ask dad about that". We did start another activity though, but I think sometimes they just miss it.
ImprovementTop1126 wrote:
NTA but talk to your lawyer about revising the agreement. Or tell your husband he needs to explain to the kids because it’s what he wanted. Alternatively start boxing or karate or something else physical with them. It’s not in the separation agreement so it should work.
cold_light_299792458 wrote:
NTA, not at all. You agreed coz it wasn’t a hill to die on in the big picture, but why should you have to defend an absurdity you don’t really support? It’s a brilliant way to give him the finger: have him deal with the situation he caused. I can see why he gets mad but frankly, if he really believes in this decision, he should have no issues explaining it to your kids.