'AITA for sending sources to my daughter's GF after she called me and my husband ignorant?' UPDATED

"AITA for bringing sources to my disagreement with my daughter's GF?"

My daughter Abby (27F) recently moved in with her girlfriend Mary (29F), due to her brother moving back in to her room with his 1-year-old. While I was thankful that we were able to house my son and my grandson, I did not approve of them moving in together after only a few months of dating.

Mary came over to meet us and was visibly shocked at the wedding portrait of me and my husband displayed on the mantle, asking where it was taken. My husband and I were married abroad in the country he was born in, in front of a beautiful mural. The atmosphere was weird but she apologized for her reaction and said she mistook it for something else.

I thought it was strange and rude but tried to continue like everything was fine.I was pleasantly surprised to be able to discuss scripture with her at dinner, which made me feel better about the relationship. While we were all eating, my son made a very rude joke about her, and my daughter started screaming at him.

I also did not find the joke amusing, but the outburst was extreme and my husband asked them to leave. My daughter sent me a text informing me that she was going to cut contact with us unless my son apologizes, and replace the wedding portrait with one from the wedding not in front of the mural. I think this is extremely unreasonable.

Both me and my husband told our son it wasn’t funny and he wasn’t to do it again, but we can’t force an adult to apologize if he refuses. The photo is even more ridiculous, and when I questioned it she explained that a symbol in the mural is offensive to Mary’s culture. Since I am not from there, I took this to my husband to get clarification.

He explained that there is tension between the two cultures and propaganda has affected Mary to misunderstand a historical event. He showed me videos and newspapers that confirm this, and I sent links to Mary with a text requesting a discussion of our opinions to resolve the conflict.

Mary immediately blocked me and my daughter sent me a text calling me some rude names and informing me we are now estranged. My other daughter told me that both Abby and Mary like to read this sub, so I am hoping for some outside perspective.

I do not think I am the AH because I have tried to resolve the conflict peacefully and am not willing to leave my godson homeless because my son made a joke in poor taste and should be able to display MY OWN wedding photo. However, both my daughters say I am the AH, and A has not spoken to me in almost 2 months. There is more but it doesn't fit into the post limit.

The internet had plenty to say in response.

NebbiePolaris wrote:

INFO. So what is the mural of?

OP responded:

It is a sunrise, with stylized beams of sunrays coming down in yellow and red. we were married in Japan.

NebbiePolaris wrote:

So let me guess it mimics the Japanese wartime flag. So you’re saying she’s misinterpreted the events of WWII?

Mysterious-Tea-7218 wrote:

NTA. I am curious to know where you are from, but I understand if you don't want to tell us. This sub can wind up in the news.

OP responded:

We are currently living in the states. My husband is from Japan and my daughter's gf is culturally Chinese.

Mysterious-Tea-7218 wrote:

Nevermind, YTA .https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-50285383

SecretRatto wrote:

Not enough information. What was the 'symbol', what are the cultures involved? Why does your husband think his perspective is right, without considering M's? What was the 'joke'?

People don't cut people out for kicks and giggles. There's a lot that's being left out, and I suspect it's an attempt to paint yourself in a more sympathetic light. I am open to changing my mind, provided appropriate details are shared.

OP responded:

My husband is Japanese, my daughter's GF is Chinese. The mural is of a sunset--apparently it can be considered offensive but my husband explained it is a cultural symbol that was active during WWII and since the imperial family is no longer ruling, the meaning has shifted.

I think we should be able to discuss this calmly. The joke was crass, a comment about Asian women being "tight." I rebuked him multiple times for making a crass joke at dinner.

SecretRatto wrote:

Have seen the 'explanations,' YTA. Summary: OP and hubby have the Japanese version of the confederate flag (rising sun) prominently displayed. They ignore a Chinese woman's horror and discomfort, allow the son to make a joke that was both r-cist and s-xist (Chinese women have t--t vaginas).

According to OP, this was a joke made in 'bad taste' (yet another example of downplaying bigotry). A barrel of rotten apples and I hope the daughter and M are completely justified in cutting all of them out of their lives.

After OP's post started getting traction, OP's daughter's girlfriend M weighed in with her side of the story.

Hello internet and also my FMIL, I guess. This is my side if you're interested. The TLDR is that it was a joke about "tight c--k p-ssy" and the mural was the rising sun. We are staying NC but now have an interesting story to tell at parties, I guess. There's not too much missing from the post in terms of additional info.

I was very nervous to meet my GF's family for the first time -- also she says her husband is Japanese, which he was born and raised there but is ethnically not Japanese. So I was expecting their wedding photo to be on front of a cherry blossom tree or something not the biggest rising sun depiction I've ever seen.

I admit I gasped and probably looked horrified, I apologized in the moment thinking she must not know. I thought it was possible she really didn't know bc my GF didn't know until I explained it. Feeling defensive of myself I want to say I did not declare on the spot she had to remove the photo, my GF decided that after I explained what it represents.

My grandmother was 10 when Japan invaded and all she will really say is that "army men" k-led her brother, took her sisters away and she never saw them again.

She remained terrified of men in uniform and fairly paranoid for the rest of her life and insisted all her daughters and granddaughters take self defense classes. So that's the association I have with the rising sun, like a boogeyman from your childhood you find out was real.

At dinner my GF's brother asked me "what kind of Asian" I am, which isn't out of the ordinary but is annoying. I told him I was Chinese and he winked at my GF and said "that tight ch**k p-ssy, huh?" I was shocked and my GF did yell at him and we were asked to leave, which we were already going to do. Then I get a text from the mom with no intro, just a video I "should watch before we talk again."

I didn't watch it but the title was something like "why Nanking m-ssacre isn't real". My family is not from Jiangsu but I told my GF I'm not talking to anyone who denies the Nanjing atrocities. My GF texted that we would not be in contact so long as the photo is up, as she thinks it shows they still deny the massacre as long as it is displayed.

That was her choice but I do support it. Since its been lockdown times its kind of a moot point but her parents were upset because she had been doing things like grocery shopping for them during lockdown. And then I guess her mom decided was the next logical conflict resolution step. We are doing just fine, we adopted a puppy and started a garden.

The internet had nothing but support for M.

dontpokethecrazy wrote:

I'm so sorry you had to experience that, but I'm glad that your girlfriend is supportive and is rightfully calling out her family on their horrendous, racist behavior. However...

"We adopted a puppy and started a garden."

...you know you have to pay the pet tax now, right? Bonus if puppy pic is taken in the new garden!

malayati wrote:

Even from OP’s own telling of the story leaving out these extremely important details, I could tell that she was awful and in the wrong. So happy that you and your gf have each other and that your gf is doing right by you. Congrats on the puppy and garden!! I’m sure your life will be much more peaceful now that you’ve gone NC.

beachygirl12 wrote:

In what universe did this FMIL think it was okay to send something like this? It’s like sending a video to a Jewish person on “why the h0l0caust isn’t real”. Also, that “tight p-ssy” comment is not only offensive but who would think to say that to their sibling's partner? That is too creepy. MIL: YTA.

lilsunsunsun wrote:

Chinese woman born and raised in Nanjing here, this absolutely horrifies me. Every year on the anniversary of the R-pe of Nanjing, the sirens go off in the entire city for 15 minutes so that we can mourn and remember the atrocious event that took place here. Sometimes it feels like, if we who live on this land don't remember, then who will? Certainly not those who committed these atrocities.

That's such an unfair part of racial oppression, which is that the victims have to carry on the traumatic memories, and keep on trying to convince and educate everyone else, somehow the burden is on us to be offended, to be "oversensitive", and "not letting go of the past and move on."

Cartoonsl-t wrote:

Holy shit. I mean it was pretty obvious from the post that she was talking about Japanese cr*mes against humanity circa WWII (because of... everything in the post). But having it confirm is still shocking. It’s really sad, OP, that the absolute best case scenario is that you are massively ignorant and incredibly naïve. The fact that OPs husband would send you a video with that title is nauseating.

As for you (writer of this comment), I doubt you need my support of edification but I just want to chime in and say I study cr*mes against humanity for a living, and your reaction was 100000% appropriate.