'AITA for siding with my BIL after he used my brother's divorce against him?' MAJOR UPDATE

The words sputtered in a moment of passion can reveal a lot about someone's true feelings.

In a popular post on the AITAH subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for defending her BIL for invoking his brother's divorce. She wrote:

"AITAH for siding with my BIL after he used my brother's divorce against him?"

My (28f) sister (24f) has been dating her boyfriend (36m) for two years. My brother (38m) is newly divorced. He was married since he was 18 to his ex wife (38f). We don’t really know why they divorced, it was sudden and his ex wife took their two kids and flew back to her hometown. After the divorce was finalized my brother had to pay her a lot of money.

I don’t know the details as he’s kept it under wraps but my sister and I found it very weird. My sister's boyfriend is kind've known too. He’s often in the media for political reasons. He and his organization are very activist-driven. My parents and brother are super conservative and religious so when they found out who he was, they didn’t like him. I’m just gonna call her bf BIL to make it easier.

My parents decided to have a family dinner and invited all of us. My BIL is respectful and veers away from political discussions because he knows it’s just gonna end in an argument. Well, after the dinner was over my brother and father were at the table discussing women’s rights for some reason while me, my sister, mom and BIL were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner.

Somehow my brother was able to get BIL wrapped up in this debate and it turned into a full blown argument. BIL was trying to remain calm while my brother kept spouting that women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen serving their husband and family.

BIL disagreed and it came to the point where my brother was getting frustrated and blurted out “Come on, like you don’t ever think about hitting sister's name occasionally.” And BIL replied with “F**king Christ no wonder you can’t keep a wife or your kids around.” This ended the family dinner and now my parents are fuming. BIL and sister went home and so did me and my husband.

My parents demanded my sister break up with BIL and that he apologize to our brother. However, I’ve made it very clear I’m on my BIL side. My husband wants to cut contact with my brother. My sister is distraught.

BIL doesn’t give a f**k and probably forgot it’s even happened. My mother and father have yelled at me about loyalty and how I’m an awful sister and disappointment of a daughter. I don’t know what to do. AITAH??

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the dynamic.

wonderfulkneecap wrote:

NTA! Your parents and brother are out of their minds! I have a brother. I can't imagine any context where my brother basically confesses to spousal abuse, and tries to bond with my husband over their shared desire to hit wives, my husband says he doesn't want to hit me, then my parents demand my husband apologise for speculating that my brother's support for wife-hitting is related to his divorce!!!

Send his ex-wife flowers and invite her to lunch. I bet there's a lot she could tell you! This guy sounds like ticking time bomb/public health threat. Jesus.

WelshWickedWitch wrote:

Also your brother deliberately kept needling your BIL to get him to say anything remotely (what they would consider) inflammatory (but I would consider much deserved). So that your parents and brother had "justification" to jump up and down, frothing at the mouth, reason to demand your sister bins BIL.

They want an argument and it wouldn't matter how perfect BIL is/was, if it doesn't fit their twisted ideals, then he's out. Now, they use this to harangue your sister, BIL and you. I would urge your sister to be aware of this ab*se and control. Do they play these games with you, your husband?! NTA I also agree with your husband. Your family, apart from sister, BIL are all colours of the rainbow wrong. Cut them off.

OP responded:

To be honest they don’t care my husband and iIs relationship. The reason they loathe BIL is because like I mentioned, he’s in the media quite often for things he and his organization are doing.

My mom had googled him and the first thing that popped up was him just slamming Christianity and conservatives so ever since then they’ve been looking for every excuse in the book to get my sister to break up with him. I love him though, he treats my sister well and she’s happy so I can’t complain about him.

Corpuscular_Ocelot wrote:

Your parents supporting your brother means they would be OK if your BIL beat your sister - which, BTW, your brother 100% thinks should happen to her every now and again. Yet your parents are harassing your sister to break-up with a man who stood up for her for man who thinks she should get her teeth knocked out when she gets uppity.

If I were your sister, I wouldn't step foot in your parents house again. You know damn well your parents know what happened and they support your brother anyway. Family loyalty is BS when it means supporting ANY kind of ab*se.

CanILiveInAGlade wrote:

Genuinely thought with the age gap that this was going in the direction of your sister dating Charlie Kirk. Turns out your brother is Charlie Kirk.

NTA. Also check on you ex-SIL. I think she might need some support.

OP responded:

Yeah not even gonna lie I hated her bf because of the age gap they had but I don’t know it works for them. After all these comments I’m gonna reach out to ex-SIL and make sure she’s okay.

OP posted an update the next day.

I know it’s soon for an update but after posting and reading your guys comments, I did decide to reach out to ex SIL last night. I’m not going go into detail but a vague summary of there was a lot of s*xual and physical ab*se throughout their relationship. How she was able to get the kids was my brother signed away his parental rights as long as she didn’t out him for the things he had done to her.

She admitted she went to my parents a few years ago and they just told her God will lead her through this. My brother has taken to posting on Facebook about how my sister is a gold digging wh0re and my BIL is a freak of nature sent by Satan himself to ruin his life.

Also threatened to send pictures of BIL with our family to news outlets and expose his personal life and all BIL replied with was “I already get death threats so you’re just gonna open the door to your family getting those same threats if you do that.” To which my brother again posted on Facebook about how god is testing his patience.

BIL sent my brother a lengthy text telling him to never come near my sister again and that he’s disgusted by how he encouraged him to hit her and all that. My husband also sent him a text saying from here on out he doesn’t want my brother near me or our daughter unless he’s present because now he worries for our safety. Brother ran to my parents and my parents flew off the handle.

They bombarded us with texts and calls about how we’re sh*ty sisters and even sh**tier daughters and now we’re all uninvited from the Easter party lol. That’s how my morning has been going. I’m exhausted. I’m sure there’s gonna be more to unfold and transpire but that’s what’s happening for now.

ETA: I Forgot to add but my SIL is coming into town to stay with my husband and I so we can see the kids and her. I'm absolutely disgusted with my brother and parents. I will be going LC and possibly NC with them soon.

Commenters had a lot of thoughts about the update.

Hungry_Composer644 wrote:

Oh, no! Not the Easter party! 😂

Sounds like you might have enough “outcasts” to have your own Easter party where no one needs to worry about anyone’s safety.

OP responded:

Nobody even enjoys the Easter party it’s just a cluster f**k every. single. year. So I’m not too hurt about it 😂

Huge-Shallot5297 wrote:

That's an Easter party I wouldn't care if I missed for eternity. I bet if Jesus strolled in and told your brother he was one of the worst sinners out there, he'd slap the son of God and call him a whore too. Your BIL and hubby are amazing, so glad you have them in your corner; the rest of your family is sick. I'm so glad that "homeless brother" still has an internet connection to spread his hate. /s

TypicalManagement680 wrote:

EDIT: Glad sister is supporting partner! OP clarified sister’s actions but leaving comment below for posterity. If I’m reading things correctly, I have issues with your sister here too. From what you’ve written, what is her role in all of this? Is she saying or doing anything or leaving it all up to her partner to deal with?

That’s HER family treating HER partner terribly and SHE should be just as protective of him as he is of her. She needs to find her spine and deal with HER family. You don’t subject your partner to the things her partner has had to endure with HER family without fighting back with them.

I would go (and I have gone) HAM (including blasting my brother publicly, since he wants to play that game, and cutting contact) on my family treating my friends and/or partner like what I’ve just read.

OP responded:

No I’m sorry I left out a few things because I didn’t want it to be lengthy. My sister is very protective of her boyfriend. One of the many reasons my parents don’t like him is because they think he’s turned her against them because she’s so protective. And while they were debating that night she was trying to get our brother to stop and kept trying to interfere thus led to his comment of hitting her.

My sister used to be very “obedient” I guess but ever since she’s started dating him she’s definitely grown a spine.

marblefree wrote:

It sounds like your sister, BIL and SiL and nibblings are actually your family. Taking a huge break and not seeing or communicating with your parents or brother seems like a blessing. Please block them on social media and don't spiral with their drama. They can all spout bile together about how "right" they are. Hugs to you and high five to your husband!!!

Barregular2684 wrote:

No hate like Christian love. In all seriousness, I’m glad you’re going to see your niblings and their mom. Have an Easter party of your own. Sounds like you and your sister found a couple of great guys.

It sounds like keeping a massive distance from her brother and parents is the best thing OP can do.