'AITA for not acknowledging my step grandchildren when my stepdaughters made it clear I wasn't family?'

"AITA for not acknowledging my step grandchildren when their mothers, my step daughters, made it clear I was no family of theirs?"

I need to know if I'm being heartless or if I'm justified. Sorry for the long post. I F52 am married to my husband let's call him Mark M57 (fake name). I have three children with my husband, and three stepchildren from my husband's previous marriage.

My husband's previous wife died in childbirth leaving him with two daughters Eva now 38 and Lisa 36, as well as my stepson Micheal 27, all fake names for privacy.

Michael is my son through and through, but my step daughters never acknowledged me in any capacity.

On a good day I was simply the woman married to their dad, on a normal day I don't exist, and on bad days I was the a pick me girl who tried but failed to replace their mom. They went low contact with my husband when they left for their respective colleges and no contact with me, a behaviour that was encouraged and I'd say heavily influenced by their maternal grandparents.

They came back into my husband's life when Lisa was getting married, with demands that he pay for her wedding and house. Something he agreed to and later did for Eva as well. I felt like they were just using my husband, but I didn't say anything about that as I saw how happy he was to have them back.

Especially after being devastated when they ignored him for so long. They didn't invite me to their weddings, and made it clear when they had kids that I was not their family. My husband and son, tried to push back against this, but I discouraged this as I didn't have much of an emotional connection with them. I chose to let it go and not make a big deal about it.

They rejected me enough as teens and I said nothing because I didn't want it to come across as if I'm forcing myself on them. But I definitely don't need to stomach that behaviour from them as adults. We continued on like this for a couple of years, but things changed when Michael and my other son Tyler got married and had their kids.

My daughters in law involved me with everything in their lives, including their children's births, as a result I'm very close to them and their kids. I only see Lisa and Eva's children at family gatherings and have no relationship or emotional connection to them whatsoever.

Lisa and Eva have recently started a campaign against me to extended family members, about my extreme favoritism towards my grandkids and lack of effort towards their kids. Honestly I'm not bothered and they aren't lying, my grandkids from my 2 sons are highly favoured by me. They can never confront me as we almost never talk beyond hellos, how are yous, and byes.

But they've also tried to involve my sons and their wives in this mess. Micheal and his wife were there when the wedding fiasco went down so they aren't buying into this nonsense. Tyler is unbothered as their treatment of me, also extended to him and my other two children. His wife is loyal to me, but feels very sorry for the children involved.

My husband has made it clear that he will not force me to do anything I don't want to do, the same way he didn't force them to involve or include me in their lives or that of their kids. Extended family members are very vocal about their disapproval of my behaviour. But I don't treat those kids bad, I'm hardly ever around them, when I am, I'm very polite towards them.

I don't initiate hugs, as I don't want to overstep, but I return when they are given. I buy gifts for them at Christmas just like I do with every other child. When together, I include them in any activities I do with my other grandkids as I don't want them to feel left out, I treat them all equally during those moments.

I just don't go out of my way to involve myself in their day to day lives like I do with my other grandkids. And honestly I'm totally unbothered by Lisa and Eva's campaign against me. I feel like they made it a point to reject me and also rejected me on behalf of their kids, and that's why I'm not close to them.

I honestly don't feel like putting in the effort at this point, I'm human and I've been rejected enough. I don't want to let them or their kids in... And I feel like they only want in, because they see the benefits my other grandkids get to enjoy. I think they want to manipulate the situation and use me for their benefit just like they use their father.

I think their children are also just tools in this situation and unfortunately I'm not in a position to do anything for them as that would mean allowing their mothers to have access to me, and I'm not comfortable with that. AITA for keeping the distance and not really wanting to acknowledge them as my grandkids?

The internet had plenty to say in response.

Popular-Jaguar-3803 wrote:

NTA. You could have been their mother reincarnated and they would still hate you. Honestly, they should have been put in counseling and if their maternal grandparents created this, they should have lost access due to alienation. But that ship has sailed.

Best advice is to just continue what you are doing. If they continue to throw their tantrums, let them know that you are sorry that they feel that way, however, you are just respecting their wishes and boundaries. It saddens you that you are not close to their children, but they had set the tone of your relationship with them.

Of course, you are willing to participate in a group family counseling so that you can have a clear acknowledgment of what the expectations are. They are clearly envious of your relationship with your other children and grandchildren and they prefer to blame you than looking in the mirror.

shdfx1 wrote:

NTA. Send a family email to everyone those women have bad mouthed you to, and include Lisa and Eva. State that you are addressing a misconception about your relationship with Lisa and Eva’s children. Say that Lisa and Eva never wanted anything to do with you, as children or adults.

You were not invited to their weddings, told you were not their family, and that they did not want you to have a relationship with their children. When they were young, you understood their animosity was driven by grief, and you did not push yourself on them. However, their hostility towards you and your children for years, as adults, is not appropriate.

This campaign they have waged against you, dragging in family, claiming you play favorites with grandkids is unhinged. They told you that you are not family, and to stay away from them and their kids, do you have.

You would appreciate the family’s understanding and not contribute to the hurt those two women have done to you for years. Let’s hope Lisa and Eva seek therapy to let their anger go that their father remarried. It’s time.

Aggressive_Cup8452 wrote:

38 and 36 is too old to now want a mother so it just means that they want thr benefits of a mother. And being their step mother doesn't mean that you now have to keep turning the other cheek every time they feel like hitting out. 😒

Protect your peace. They had their chance for a friend or to at least happily coexist. They choose neither. They wanted and fought for this divide. NTA.

Happy_Winner66 wrote:

NTA. Your step daughters are just pissed that they're not getting the reaction they wanted from you. Literally gave them NOTHING. Now, they're using their kids as last straw for emotional guilt. Again, too bad you have none for them.