Financial double standard revealed when wife's success mirrors husband's past and she honors HIS old rules. AITA?
"AITA for sticking to the financial rules my husband made years ago?"
When my husband (R) and I first moved in together we started putting a percent of our earnings into a joint account to cover rent, bills etc. He explained he had a side business and insisted that his money from it was his for his personal use. I was fine with this arrangement.
The first few years together he was doing pretty well, in the realm of $300-500pw. However over the last couple of years it's really dropped off. He's had a few issues with orders and demand, but whatever the reason he's been getting maybe up to $50 on a good week, often nothing.
Meanwhile I began my own side-gig last October, which really took off to my great surprise. When I started I said that I would use any profits I for fun experiences, thinking it would be a couple hundred a month.
I'm around the 8k mark for sales, of which I've used to fund family days out, make birthdays and Christmas a little grander, and I've also put down a deposit on a holiday which R was completely on board with.
But now R is getting bitter about how well I'm doing. He'd made a few snide comments, but now it feels like outright distain. I bought our son an iPad for his birthday this week and this sent my husband over the edge - it's unfair that he hasn't bought himself 'so much as a new video game' in months but our son gets an iPad, etc.
Tonight it turned into a fight about how I'm buying all these lavish things when he can't afford them anymore. He told me that because I'm now getting all this extra income, I should be putting more into our joint account so that he can keep more of his paycheque for himself.
I must stress that all our bills are covered, and he does have money each week leftover from his salary. It's only been since launching that I've had the ability to splurge, whereas previously I had to save for bigger things.
So I refused. He had set the rule that his side earnings were just for him, and it's only fair that the same rule applies to me. There were months where he was making thousands a month and we never changed our budget.
I've spent years watching him buy new computers, consoles, an ungodly amount of money on card games, and I've never complained. It's not reasonable to try and change the rule now that it doesn't suit him, and it's not like he's not benefiting from the experiences and holiday.
He tried to argue it was different, but couldn't say how other than 'he hasn't made that sort of money in ages'. I stood firm in my no, he called me a few choice names and stormed out. I know what's good for the goose should be good for the gander, but I just kind of feel bad.
There were times where I was jealous I had to save for months for things he could just buy outright, so I empathize, but I also wonder if I'm jaded now because of it. Like maybe putting an extra hundred into the joint account would be worth avoiding the argument. AITA for refusing because of the rule he established years ago?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. He's got some next-level selfishness going on, along with a heaping serving of toxic male pride. He set an unreasonable rule thinking that it would always work in his favor, and that allowed him to purchase things you couldn't. And now that the situation has shifted, he thinks the rule should, too? Have you thought about how much you'd save by not paying for his vacation?
Worldly-Horse1328 (OP)
Not really, I didn't think about it as 'per person' it was we're a family and we're going to go have a family holiday. A good couple thousand dollars I guess, we're going overseas. I never even crossed my mind to ask him to pay for any of it.
Completely agree that you're NTA but have you considered putting some of the money from your side gig into a savings account - just in case things go sideways with your husband? I was in a similar position - (ex)husband earned three times what I did until I started a hustle. I bought a dishwasher, paid for take out, clothes for the kids (including stepdaughter) and he got more and more resentful.
We ended up losing the house because he was "treating" himself to stuff but couldn't afford his share of the mortgage/childcare fees and during discussions, it came out how bitter he felt that I was able to constantly treat the family whilst he couldn't afford to.
All I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with having a rainy day fund, especially if you're husband has now reached name calling and storming out in his anger. Protect yourself and your kids in case things worsen and I wish you much luck.
I do luckily already have an emergency fund that doesn't get touched outside of proper emergencies, my first real relationship ended in domestic violence so I've always been adamant that I have something put away in case things go sideways. I've luckily not had to consider using it, but I'd rather have it than not, and it's also nice to know there's money there should the roof ever collapse out of the blue.
I understand that maybe he's bitter that I'm able to fund all these family outings, but also he had the chance to do so before and chose not to. The kids are older now and can do more things, but I was also always the one paying for zoo trips and movies even when he was making so much more.
You need an LLC for your business now. And start storing some of the profits in it and giving yourself a paycheck. If it comes to divorce, you want your assets protected.