'AITA for straightening my daughter's hair without my wife’s permission?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for straightening my daughter's hair without my wife’s permission?"

I (male 32) have a four year old daughter. Let’s call her Gracie. Gracie is half black, her mother (female 31) being African American. Her mother over all handled all of Gracie’s hair care and taught me how to do simple styles but even those “simple” styles were difficult.

My wife ended up going on a vacation with her friends to celebrate her friends birthday and my mother came over to visit. I hadn’t done Gracie’s hair in a few days so it became nappy and unmanageable. When I tried to comb her hair the comb broke. My mother said that I should get my daughter a perm so her hair would be more manageable so I took her to a salon and got it permed.

My wife got home and when she saw our daughter she was livid. She screamed at me and then at my mother for even suggesting that, but I think she’s overreacting because it’s just hair. Then she brought up our wedding. My mother had tried to get my wife to straighten her hair for the wedding but my wife refused because she wanted her natural hair on her wedding day so she could be as natural as possible.

My mother often comments on my wife’s and daughter's hair and I agree with my mother. But now my wife’s telling me that perms chemically burn and damage hair to change the texture and that I “damaged” our daughters hair.

Now she’s thinking of getting our daughters hair cut so her hair can “heal from the damages” but I still think she’s overreacting. Besides, I don’t want my daughters hair to be cut. She looks so cute now. Am I the AH for straightening my daughters hair without my wife’s permission even though Gracie is my daughter too?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

toolz01 wrote:

Your daughter is half Black. You're married to a Black person and you used the words nappy and unmanageable. Besides that, you sound like you haven't learned how to care for your daughter's hair nor tried to learn how to care for curly/coily hair.

Not to mention, it sounds like you haven't learned to respect your wife's boundaries YTA go watch a couple of videos on curly hair and stop listening to your mum!

Edit: thank you guys for the awards, I hope OP really learns to care more for his curly-haired family

kreeves9 wrote:

No Black person would straighten their child's hair at such a young age, it's just not done. And for your info hair isn't just hair in the black community, furthermore, you knew your wife was against straightening your daughter's hair. Did you ever ask her why? You were absolutely wrong, educate yourself and then apologize to your wife and daughter. YTA.

the-undying-one wrote:

Dude, you married a Black woman and have a bald Black child and you hardly even learned to care for her hair. And instead of trying to learn more you go behind your wife’s back with your mother, (who has a history of shaming your wife’s natural hair) and take your daughter who is FOUR to get a perm!

Perms if done wrong can seriously Falange hair and if your wife is saying your daughter's hair is damaged, then it’s damaged. How would you know? You never really bothered to learn to care for it anyways. And your mother just sounds horrible and even racist. You need to apologize to your wife and your daughter and let your wife do what she thinks is right for your daughters hair care. YTA!!!

Maleficent_Ad_3958 wrote:

Yes, yes, you are TA. It's not just hair. You did this the second your wife couldn't stop you. She now knows she can not leave her child in your hands because you will do whatever you want the second her back is turned. You have destroyed her trust in you. Seriously, when you get married, you're supposed to care more for your wife than your mother.

I think that you will end up divorced because your wife is realizing that you care more about pleasing your mother than your marriage and child. You're basically calling your wife and daughter ugly. You should realize that. You said "cute now" which means you thought she was ugly before. YTA.

After receiving feedback, OP shared a few updates.

Edit: I’ve read the comments and came to a realization about my marriage and my wife and now I just feel horrible. My wife’s mentioned in passing about her childhood and was always vague about it but after overhearing a conversation between her and my mother in law I just realized how much I truly messed up.

My wife is dark skinned and tall and she got bullied for that along with her hair. She went to a predominately white school in bogalusa and that made her hate herself and her looks for a while.

My god my wording was horrible too. My wife is beautiful and so is my daughter and their hair isn’t a problem. I’m the problem and so is my mother. After hearing my wife’s conversations about me and my mother I realized that my mothers a b-lly and I’m just a drone/follower. My mother constantly picked on my wife and I just stood by and blindly agreed because she’s my mom.

But that woman who I married is my wife and I should have protected her from…my own ignorance and my mothers ignorance. I took something she took pride in and belittled it. I was too lazy to learn and took my mother's advice. Hell my mother has said so many cruel things that I didn’t think twice of until reading these comments.

She’d always make sure my daughter didn’t play outside when she’d go over her house because she didn’t want her to be darker like her mother and that comment made me uncomfortable but I took it as a weird joke. I’m cutting my mother off and I’m going to apologize to my wife and daughter and start watching hair tutorials again.

I’m also going to sign up for a hair braiding class when the pandemic has slowed down once more. God I’m a horrible husband and father. When my wife is willing to talk to (I won’t force her) I’ll apologize and if she wants to leave me over this it’ll hurt like hell but I’ll understand. I’ve just pushed her to the sidelines for so long and couldn’t even see it. I am the AH. The biggest AH here.

Edit 2: I just got off the phone with my mother. My wife listened in on the phone call, I didn’t realize she was in the living room with me until she put her hand on my shoulder during the call. My mother is well, livid. She freaked out on me and threatened to call CPS When I told her I didn’t want her coming around my wife and daughter and refused to even try to understand what we did wrong.

Then I mentioned the damage that the perm could cause to my daughter, (I read a small article by a black owned hair care company about childhood perm horror stories along with the history behind perms and I’m just…disgusted with myself and my mother) and my mother said my wife was being a drama queen.

When I told her my daughter might need a hair cut behind this she flipped out and said “I won’t let my grand daughter look like a bull d*ke!”

And I was mortified. She said she’s take my daughter from me and my wife and raise her the way god intended. That caused a screaming match. My wife put her hand on my shoulder in the midst of it and took the phone from home and told my mother if she comes to our home again the p-lice will be called and then she hung up. I put our baby to bed and then we talked.

My daughter and wife are beautiful and I don’t understand how for the life of me I thought those horrible things. Maybe it was like that snl sketch “diet racism.” Hearing those things from your parent and just blindly listening no matter how horrible it sounds. My wife is still mad at me (rightfully so) but she told me she isn’t leaving me over this.

She said I have a lot to learn and that if I want this relationship to last I need to open my eyes and realize that the world I live in is different from the one she lives in and different from the world our daughter will live in. I'm horrified at myself and horrified at my mother. My father called a few moments ago but I ignored the call. I’ll talk to him in the morning about this.

Thank you all for talking some sense into me and I thanked my wife for staying with me even though she doesn’t have to. Tomorrow we are asking our baby girl if she wants a hair cut. Knowing her she’ll want to get one like her uncle. He has these cool designs shaved into hide head. If she wants that she can have that. She’s my world and I refuse to ever be this ignorant and harmful to her again.

Final edit: my wife and I arranged for our daughter to spend the night at my mother in laws house and couples therapy will be in the near future. The comments sections have certainly given me many perspectives of how horrible my words and actions are.

I won’t be doing any more replies or edits because this is a throw away account. I think that’s the right term for this. My mother has called the house multiple times from my sister's phone. My sister is 25 and lives for drama so now the whole family on my mothers side is blowing up my phone with many mixed opinions…most of which are horrible.

It’s funny, the only family member who’s opinion reflects this comment sections common consensus is the one who was disowned a few months ago. Well actually that’s not funny. It shows how messed up my family is. Thank you all for these reply’s no matter how “harsh” or “mean” they might seem, I needed this.

The replies kept coming.

Pterodactyl_noises wrote:

"I took it as a weird joke"...THAT YOUR MOM DIDN'T WANT HER GRANDKID TO BE DARK AS HER BLACK MOTHER???? Dumb.

Fidel_COSTCO wrote:

Glad OP figured it out, even if it took a verbal thrashing from his wife and the comments.

TeamNewChairs wrote:

Wait so why hadn't he touched his daughter's hair "in a few days?" Like, no matter the texture hair is something that needs handled daily. Does he ignore his hair for days on end?

dragonchilde wrote:

'It's just hair." I legit gasped. Oh honey no. I'm just a white woman who's a red head. I know how central to my identity my hair is and I'm not a woman of color! Hair is an integral part of Black identity and he is damned lucky he's got a woman willing to forgive and teach his moronic a--.