'AITA for taking away my brother's plus one and inviting his girlfriend myself?' UPDATED

It can be supremely difficult to watch a sibling tank a perfectly good relationship.

"AITA for taking away my brother's plus one and inviting his girlfriend myself?"

I kind of know I am the AH, but I need to know how bad it was. My brother is 29 and has been with Lia for about 2 years. We all like her; she is super nice. I am getting married next April and sent an invite to my brother's apartment. We decided to send invites to households and not individuals.

For example, our aunt received an invite for her family and not for each individual. Last Thursday, we met at my parents' place. It was just the core family because of some tax reasons, lol.

While there, I asked my brother about Lia's dietary restrictions. I know that she is a vegetarian for health reasons and that she cannot have certain raw vegetables. He said that she wasn't going to come and that he was taking his girl best friend, Amanda, instead. Now, their relationship is weird af.

Amanda has always been stringing my brother along, in my opinion. He always denies having feelings for her, but let's be real here. Amanda would date other guys, blow off my brother, then when things were on the decline with her partners, she would be attached to him again.

Her last boyfriend broke up with her right around the time my brother, his then ex-girlfriend, Amanda, and her ex were supposed to travel to Spain. What did my idiot brother do? Go with Amanda alone because Amanda was uncomfortable with his ex-girlfriend. Obviously, he acted blindsided when his girlfriend broke up with him. I didn't even say anything anymore because it's all so weird.

So, when he said that, I asked if Lia already had other plans. But my brother said that Amanda had asked if she could come because it would be an opportunity to finally see the old gang (we were in the same friend group in high school). I told him that I would have invited Amanda if I wanted her there. Amanda is mean and cold.

She always makes disparaging comments about other girls. At every event, around one hour in, she will make some sort of scene that either has her running away crying or sitting mad at a table telling everyone to "leave her alone" and then making a cryptic comment about something "hurting her."

I told my brother I was revoking his plus one and Amanda was NOT coming to our wedding. He accused me of being misogynistic and bigoted because I don't understand opposite-s*x friendships. Which is BS.

My husband has a female childhood friend who is his best woman. I love her too and she has been amazing. AND SHE RESPECTS F-KING BOUNDARIES. She always includes me and made a huge effort when I started dating my fiancé to integrate me into the friend group.

Anyway, I said my decision was final. He could take it or leave it, but I would be inviting Lia myself because I like her. He screamed at me and told me to keep out of his business. I said to get rid of his weird fucking feelings for Amanda. He is mad at me. My dad said is none of our deal. My mom is furious with my brother. So AITA?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

Prudent_Fold190 wrote:

NTA. I have think bottom line is you don’t want Amanda at your wedding because she causes a scene and brings a negative energy. I think you are well within your right to say she is not allowed at the wedding.

You can invite Lia yourself but by the sounds of your brothers behaviour who knows if they will even still be together by then. Even if they are I wouldn’t count on her sticking around if he keeps prioritizing Amanda over her.

OP responded:

I like Lia like genuinely as a friend and would like her there. I should honestly just have invited her officially, too. I should have honestly have been able to forsee David would do this.

PlaceDue1063 wrote:

NTA; primarily because you say you intentionally did NOT invite Amanda and that you two no longer get along, despite previously sharing a friend group. He doesn’t get to bring someone intentionally not invited to your wedding.

Unfortunately you can’t control his obsession with Amanda and he likely has to keep destroying relationships before he finally gets that he is prioritizing her over his relationships.

OP responded:

I gave given up talking to him years ago. I always feel sorry for the amazing girls he brings home, tho. I still talk to his ex. She helped me with my career. Lol. He is going to end up alone.

Silmariel wrote:

NTA. But just to be safe, tell Lia she is invited even if she isnt with your brother anymore at the time of the wedding because "let's be real here" she can do a lot better and it's just a matter of time before she realises that and dumps him. Let Lia have a +1 so she can enjoy herself :)

That would make her feel truly welcome.

Your brother is a major AH, and I dont blame you at all for not wanting his side piece at your wedding. I also wouldnt blame you if you didnt want him at your wedding.

OP responded:

She can so much better. On paper, my brother is pretty great. Amazing job, financial stability, he volunteers at animal shelters and cares about his appearance. And when he is not drooling for Amanda, he is generally really nice and loving. But bro.

Visual-Bro-9359 wrote:

NTA because you gave the plus one assuming his gf is coming, not your "common friend" aka his female friend who he loves but is being stupid about" person. Like you said, if u wanted miss girlie amanda to come you wouldve invited her sooo nope. NTA.

lovesorangesoda636 wrote:

NTA. Honestly, the invite should have been to brother + Lia in the first place. Not inviting people by name only adds problems when people decide that having an invite for 4 people means any 4 people they want. One thing to consider though - is Amanda likely to show up anyway because your brother already told her she was his +1?

EffectiveOne236 wrote:

I'm surprised you think you're an AH at all. You are well within your rights not to want someone who causes drama at your wedding. Amanda wants to see the old gang, cool, you don't want her there. That's an Amanda problem.

I see other comments saying Lia would probably be uncomfortable and I'd agree. You can't force your brother's girlfriend into the picture if he's trying to exclude her but you a make sure Amanda's not there. That's not you being an AH, your brother is the AH here. 100%.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

Here's an update I'd like to share with you.

After the confrontation, I didn't hear from Lia or my brother for about two days. During that time, Amanda reached out to me upset about my post. She called me an AH and insisted that "Lia is not the only special woman in my brother's life."

She argued neither Lia nor I have the right to be selfish with my brother's time, asserting she existed before Lia or any of his girlfriends and would outlast them all. She ended with a presumptuous statement that she would surely see me at my wedding. I was fuming!

I chose not to engage with her other remarks but instead sent her a clear message: "Hello Amanda. You are not invited to my wedding. If you want to see 'the old gang,' please organize a coffee date when they're all in town. Should you appear at the wedding, you will be escorted out, peacefully by staff or with p0lice involvement. Please refrain from contacting me or my husband."

Amanda responded with more emails, mostly name-calling, and turned to Instagram to indirectly target me. She tagged me in posts, making my username small so people wouldn't notice me tagged but would see it in my notifications. She also used an "ask me anything" sticker on her Instagram story, where I'm pretty sure she asked herself leading questions.

Highlights included questions like, "What's the perfect outfit for a wedding?" with a photo of herself in a dress captioned, "This... but sadly I'll never get to use it :)" and "What is your pet peeve?" followed by a rant about nosy people who think they have the right to control others.

She flooded her story with "sad quotes" about no longer having a "girls' girl." She tagged me in every single one. Of course, I screenshotted them all, lol. Some friends reached out when Amanda started spreading a different story, claiming I originally invited her but later disinvited her because Lia hates her and pressured my brother to do the same.

The cool part? Not one person believed her. Many of our old high school friends have cut ties with Amanda, and the few guys who still talk to her are more linked to my brother. They reached out to let me know Amanda was spreading rumors.

The girls in the group blocked her after she vented to them, which led Amanda to start bombarding their phones. My brother panicked, thinking I'd started a campaign against her. Speaking of my brother, he called and texted me multiple times, furious that I excluded Amanda and even blamed me for any harm she might come to.

He went as far as calling our mother, saying Amanda was depressed and threatening never to forgive me if something happened to her. My mom advised him to call for a welfare check if he was genuinely concerned because he, as an individual with no training, wouldn't be equipped to handle such situations. The biggest development is that my brother got kicked out of his shared apartment.

Lia called me to say their relationship might not continue and that she might not feel comfortable coming to the wedding. I understood her decision and offered an open ear. We met for coffee, and she recounted their ugly fight. Without going into all the details, Lia didn't hold back.

She made my brother read every single text out loud between him and Amanda and sent a copy to one of her male friends, who replied, "Lia, WTF? This is not okay." She used this as evidence that their interactions were, at best, inappropriate and, realistically, an emotional affair.

When my brother begged her to stay, she asked him why, knowing he would always choose Amanda. He swore he wouldn't, but his immediate response to a hysterical call from Amanda about "me b-llying her" proved otherwise. Lia left while he comforted Amanda in another room.

Later, she texted him that he needed to move out while she was away. It's her apartment, and she didn't want to see him until certain conditions were met: cutting Amanda out completely and seeking therapy to address his unhealthy patterns. The fight spanned two intense days. Lia found solace in the comments here. She described it as surreal but helpful.

She sends her greetings and wants people in similar situations to know a few things: don't fear being alone because being with someone who's not good for you will make you feel lonelier than being single, never enter a relationship with a "I can fix him" mentality as it usually ends in heartbreak, prioritize yourself, and while trying to work things out is noble, don't depend on it as the solution.

That's pretty much it. It sounds convoluted, like a soap opera, but my day-to-day life has surprisingly been calm. I think my brother really needs to mature and either commit to Amanda or realize he's being strung along.

And to Amanda: Please grow up and leave me alone.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

writing_mm_romance wrote:

So Amanda is keeping your brother as a backup plan and he's willing to throw away every relationship he has romantic and otherwise to keep her happy.

Hopefully he comes to his senses before he ends up a sad, broken, lonely man.

Prideandprejudice1 wrote:

Agree. It’s obvious Amanda doesn’t seriously want to be with OP’s brother- because if she did, she’s had ample chance/opportunity to make it happen. And brother has deluded himself into thinking that they are living some sort of Shakespearean star crossed lovers tragedy and he’ll be with others until he and Amanda can be together.

I feel like if she ever does “choose” him it will be because she has no other options and her behaviour towards him will reflect that- and he will, in turn, quickly learn that the perfect relationship/life/future he’d always pictured is vastly different from what he ends up with (and he will possibly regret the women he gave up).

ManufacturerNo6126 wrote:

Thank god you stayed strong and Lia got out. Your Brother and Amanda are totally bananas.

Expression-Little wrote:

Damn, I hope the wedding goes off without any issues. Make sure the venue staff know who Amanda is and what she looks like just in case she tries to get in.

Iwishyouwell2024 wrote:

My older cousin had an Amanda-like friend for quite some time. We thought they would end up together. He was very handsome, and still is. But we couldn't understand why he had a panic attack while boarding a plane.

Amanda was with him and didn't leave the plane while a firefighter (another good Samaritan passenger) helped him and took him to a hospital. We couldn't comprehend why such a close friend like her would abandon him in his time of need. His physical health was perfect but not his mental health.

They were returning from a wedding as well. My cousin was distraught because of this. He said he couldn't remember his name, his phone number, or what was happening. The guy who helped him recognized the symptoms as burnout.

Since Amanda refused to leave the plane and help calm him down, he had to step in. My grandmother offered money to this guy, but he refused; the airline had them covered.

The only thing he asked was for us to remove that girl from our lives. Unlike you, OP, we liked our Amanda, but family comes first. We asked her not to come to our family gatherings anymore. My cousin also reduced contact, but Amanda preferred they went no-contact. In the end, she didn't care at all. Your brother will have the same fate.