'AITA for telling my best friend I don’t want to hear about her crappy boyfriend anymore?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my best friend I don’t want to hear about her sh**ty boyfriend anymore?"

I (F23) have been friends with my BFF Kayla since we were 11. She is awesome and has supported me through some really tough times, and I have been there for her through a lot of stuff too. We have never fallen out, and we always supported each other. Until now.

Kayla has been with her boyfriend James for just over two years now. I liked him at first, he was good for her. He made her happy, so I was happy. But for the last year or so, every time I have seen or chatted to Kayla, all she has done is complain about him. Some of the stuff she has told me about him is super gross, and I have lost all respect for him, and in turn, I have started losing respect for her.

She has also changed a lot since being with him; she used to want to travel the world, explore and experience new things. Now she never leaves her house and wants to be a stay at home mother by the time she’s 25. It makes me sad to see, she has lost her sparkle. It all came to a head when we went for dinner for my Birthday.

She spent the whole night complaining about James, as always, telling me way too much personal stuff about him, as always, and just generally moaning. It was after we had finished our meal when I finally snapped and said I don’t want to hear anymore about her boyfriend, because everything I advise her to do she just ignores and I have nothing left to say to her.

I told her she should dump him if she hates him so much, and if she isn’t going to dump him then to quit complaining about him all the time because I didn’t want to hear it anymore.

I had had quite a few glasses of wine and was just feeling super bummed because she made my whole birthday dinner about her and her stupid boyfriend. This was 5 days ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I messaged her the next morning apologising and asked her if we could meet up to talk about it, but she hasn’t responded. So Reddit, AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments. I can see you’re all very divided about if I’m the AH or not, and I get why. I have accepted that I am the AH for going nuclear when drunk, and I know I should have spoken to her in a mature and calm manner WAY earlier than I did. She shouldn’t have ruined my Birthday dinner, but she is struggling she didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.

I have decided to write her a letter apologising for the way I spoke to her. I am going to write (very nicely) that I still stand by what I said, and that I love her but hearing her complain repeatedly about the same issue without taking advice is very draining. I’m going to tell her I want to still be friends and that I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.

I will also recommend she goes back to therapy (she had a therapist in high school but ghosted her). If she then reads my letter and decides to end the friendship, then that is up to her and I will be sad, but everything happens for a reason— right?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

Kasparian wrote:

I mean, you took the nuclear option and drunkenly exploded on her rather than having a civil conversation about how the constant complaining was impacting you and your friendship. Of course she’s hurt and pissed off. Not to say she’s free and clear of taking over your birthday, but she may honestly have no idea how much she complains or how draining it can be for others.

The fact that you have lost respect for her means maybe it’s time for the friendship to end. If you don’t like her and you don’t like being around her, what’s the point of the relationship? Don’t expect her to forgive you for handling the situation like you did instead of like a real friend would though. Alcohol ultimately didn’t make you do this.

OP responded:

Alcohol didn’t make me do this, I did it because I didn’t communicate sooner, and I had a lot of pent up anger. I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that and I am going to apologise.

kahootmusic23 wrote:

NTA. Talking about yourself/your life nonstop is rude and inconsiderate, and complaining nonstop while refusing to make any changes or take any advice is also rude. Combining them together can make a conversation totally miserable. To do it at your BIRTHDAY DINNER is even worse. I understand why you would get sick of it after hearing the same things over and over without Kayla listening to your advice.

Also, if you're close enough that she can tell you personal and gross things, you're close enough to tell her your true feelings. I understand that maybe she needed some time to cool down if it was really that much of a confrontation, but she needs to be considerate about how she's been making you feel. Friendship is a two-way street!

DemenTEDBundy85 wrote:

NTA. I understand it's hard to be friends with someone who talks about someone who is hurting her all the time and then does nothing to fix the situation. The delivery I guess was a little bit harsh but that would be my only reason for saying you were in the wrong.

However I also get your frustration. Give her time maybe she was just shocked and hurt by the way you reacted and she'll come around and see why it could be frustrating for someone else.

NotZDramaOrMaybeIAm wrote:

I'm currently in a similar situation with my BFF of 25 years. We have never fought before, but the situation is different where he is a dangerous man physically towards everyone.

I think for me as an outsider looking in, you're NTA.

You could have worded everything differently, but you're not wrong. This is what happens when we constantly bash our significant others to our friends rather than our therapists.

yankin wrote:

ESH. And I am saying that as a woman in her mid thirties STILL trying to navigate these situations. This has happened sooo many times with various friends, where they vent and dump about someone they're involved with and it becomes absolutely exhausting. I'm getting too old for this BS.

I have learned to tell friends that I love them but I don't have the capacity to hear any more about it, I am not the one to come to anymore. The key is doing it as nicely and neutrally as possible, and you waited until you snapped which didnt give her a chance to think about your side and possibly apologize, it just kind of humiliated her.

Which I understand, I've also been there and have also lost friends because I too didnt handle it delicately. She is not the last one who will put you in this situation, trust me, so learn from this moment and learn to speak up and talk it out before emotions boil over.

Advanced-Suspect1561 wrote:

Neither of you are TAH. You should set boundaries with Kayla . I understand it’s emotionally draining for you, but I also feel like Kayla is doing what she’s used to doing, which is venting/ranting to you. It sounds like she’s going through it.

I’ve been in Kayla’s shoes before with my friends. I cut them off because I felt like at the time they would vent to me about their life, so why couldn’t I (this is what makes my situation different than yours because it was a two way street). Looking back at it my friends were right to feel that way.

I needed to come to terms with my relationship changing me for the worse. You are both young. Everyone changes in there 20’s. Maybe you should both take a break from the friendship.

One day when she realizes James was changing her for the worst, she’ll reach out and understand where you were coming from. Or maybe what Kayla wants for her life has changed and either you can accept that or move on.

Own-Blackberry2647 wrote:

NTA. The best thing you can do is let her be right now. When she's ready to talk she will reach out to you.

OP responded:

I’m worried that if I let her be, she will never reach out and I will lose her as a friend. I don’t want to lose her, despite her frustrating me with constantly talking about her boyfriend, she is a good person. I was thinking of writing her a letter to apologise and explain how I feel? Idk.

Kod4ever wrote:

NTA although I wouldn't have gone the nuclear route but what's done is done. I have known so many people who just complain, complain, complain, don't want to change anything about their circumstances, and just expect you to be what I can only assume is a free therapist.

Honestly, it doesn't matter how long you have been friends. I've ended friendships that were 10+ years strong because our lives changed so dramatically that we just weren't a good fit anymore...which honestly sounds like what's going on right now.

It's her choice whether or not she wants to do anything about her situation ( not saying necessarily dump him, but change something like perhaps go to couple's therapy or some other change that can bring a new positive light into an otherwise bad relationship) because who wants to be around someone that just constantly complains all the time and is an otherwise downer every single time you see them?

I have more sympathy for people who are going through actual hardships...not this. NTA. You are a friend, not a free therapist for her to constantly complain to about something that she can actually control.

The next day, OP shared another update.

Firstly, thank you so much for everyone who commented and messaged me, nice or not, it was great to get everyone’s opinion. So I wrote Kayla a letter, like I said I was going to in my edit. It felt very formal and weird to do, but for some reason doing it over text felt wrong. I wanted her to know I am sincere. I said that I love her, and I value our friendship extensively and apologised for the way I spoke to her.

I said booze wasn’t to blame, I was. I spoke to her like an AH and she didn’t deserve it. I wrote that I have felt frustrated about the situation for a long time now, because it upset me seeing her so frustrated and upset all the time with the person who is supposed to cherish and respect her the most.

I told her that I wholeheartedly believe that she should end the relationship. I said I knew this wasn’t my place to say, and that she didn’t need to take my advise and that I would support her in whatever decision she made— but if she decided to stay with him, I need her to stop complaining to me about James and their relationship because it was too draining for me to hear it.

I said of course she could talk to me about anything major, but hearing the same complaints on an almost daily basis was exhausting, especially when she wouldn’t take or even listen to any advise. I made sure to tell her I loved her and I apologised again (I actually apologised four times in the letter). I put it through her front door the day after I posted on here.

She called me yesterday and asked to meet. I went round to her place last night, and we talked for just over two hours. She told me she actually broke up with James the day after my Birthday. Apparently me snapping at her about it shocked her into realising how often she was upset by him and how much she complained.

She has spent the last few days processing everything, so that’s why I hadn’t heard from her (which is SO valid). She actually thanked me for doing it, which is crazy. She said although I was a bit of an asshole, it was what she needed to hear. We both cried and lot and hugged it out and then watched 90 Day Fiancé lol.

I think it’s safe to say we will be okay. She is obviously struggling because she is grieving their relationship, and breakups are awful. But I will support her through this, like I always do, because I know that she will support me when I next get my heart broken. (I am single af right now but who knows what the future holds).

So, the TLDR is that me snapping at my best friend at my Birthday dinner for complaining about her boyfriend for the whole meal caused her to dump him. I didn’t lose the friendship, I actually got my best friend BACK. I can’t wait to support her while she finds herself again.

Thank you all again. Have a great day everyone ᵕ̈

The commenters were happy to hear an update.

WolfGoddess77 wrote:

I think this is actually the best-case scenario. I'm glad things like this have the potential to go so very wrong.

RightLocal1356 wrote:

I only just read your original post and I’m so glad it worked out this way for you. I once had a similar scenario but it ended with her dropping me not him. But I still stand by the fact that we should be able to set boundaries on how many times we hear the same complaints when they don’t actually take any advice or change anything in their situation. Congrats!

hubertbrunette wrote:

This is great. It is exhausting to listen to someone whine about a problem they have no intention of solving. But, you helped get the intention to solve it! Maybe not in the ideal way, but...

Ok-Map-6599 wrote:

It sounds to me like Kayla has a newfound appreciation of just how much she can rely on you to be loyal to her, even to the point of telling her uncomfortable truths she needs to hear (though they may sometimes come out imperfectly, the good intention is there). If anything, your friendship has been strengthened, so YAY!

Good on you for being brave enough to give Kayla the unvarnished truth, even if you were a bit gung-ho about it. Give it 6 months, she'll be a new person!

True friendship is one of my favourite forms of true love :)

alpacaboba wrote:

This is the outcome we all dream of when a friend is dating a loser.

You are a true friend to help snap her out of the relationship.