'AITA for telling my fiancé I’ll leave him if he keeps using our money to support his homeless mother.'
"AITA for telling my fiancé I’ll leave him if he keeps using our money to support his homeless mother, who hid her foreclosure from us for years?"
This whole situation is a mess, and I don’t know if I’m being heartless or just finally setting boundaries. My mother-in-law lost her house due to foreclosure. The twist? She never told us. For years.
My fiancé and I absolutely would have helped if we had known. We’re not rich by any means, but would’ve done whatever we could to make sure that she was able to stay in her house. Especially because she lives with her severely disabled husband, my fiancé’s father and her disabled adult daughter. Now they’re all homeless and we’re left scrambling.
When everything came to light and they got evicted, I immediately got them an extended stay hotel and paid for a week in advance. While talking with my fiancé about how they were gonna pay to live in the hotel, I was told that their disability check would be used for housing.
But apparently my fiancé kept paying for their hotel and their storage unit. All using our joint bank account, without telling me. I didn’t notice right away because I have a business that I’m trying to grow and I’m busy taking care of our child.
Yesterday I finally looked at our finances and saw that over $11,000 was used for all of their stuff and I completely lost it. I drove to the hotel and told everyone that no more of our money would be used for them. I told my fiancé that if one more cent of our money was used I will break the engagement and leave.
It’s not that I don’t care about them. I do. But I feel betrayed that she hid the foreclosure from us, let the situation spiral into homelessness and used me as a personal piggy bank.
This money that we have is to go to our new house that we were supposed to be buying and also to my daughter’s school. I also feel disrespected that my fiancé went behind my back and used our money without asking.
Now the morning after I’m starting to feel guilty like it’s my fault that they’re going to be on the streets. Also, I feel it’s important to add that we have never had a good relationship with his side of the family.
We have been together 13 years so this isn’t a new relationship. His mother has never really wanted anything to do with our daughter except for maybe three holidays a year that we go to her. Am I the AH for telling them that I will no longer financially help?
Edit to add- They had money. They won a large settlement (a few million) and she blew it all. Also, I moved all the money into my personal account and he will now have to ask me if he needs any of it.
On another point, he has taken complete responsibility and realizes that he should have spoken to me before taking the money. He figured that because he was going to put it back with money the in-laws are supposed to be getting (I’m not holding my breath) that it wasn’t a big deal and now realizes it is.
I have not forgiven him but in all other aspects he is a great father and a great partner. I told him he needs to start individual therapy and we need to do couples therapy because I have lost a lot of trust.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He's committed financial infidelity and it's not a small thing so don't feel compelled to excuse it because there's so much emotional baggage that comes with this situation. In fact, I think separating finances in the short term is reasonable.
Exactly, $11,000 is a huge amount to secretly spend. She didn’t sign up to be the sole provider for his entire family. She has her own child to prioritize.
100% separate finances immediately, and then decide what you want to do. But for me, the lying would be enough for me to leave. 1. You don’t trust me enough to have a discussion with me about using our money to pay for something as important as your family? And 2.
You unilaterally decide that something is important enough to spend money on, you think I won’t agree, so you steal from me? I can’t imagine this will be the last time that happens. And even if it is, trust is gone.
What you need to do is immediately separate your finances. Open a new bank account, take 50% of what's left in that account and 6500 (50%of the 11K he spent on his family) and move it into your new bank account. Put 50% of your monthly bills in the joint account and have him put his 50%.
If he wants to subsidize their lifestyle, he needs to do it with his own money You can't stop him from spending HIS MONEY on them, but you can stop him spending YOUR MONEY. You are only responsible for your daughters wellbeing and security.
This is not about his family mismanaging their two sources of monthly disability money and taking TONS of money from your fiancé. This is about your fiancé deciding the money you had saved together for your future was his money to do with as he saw fit, without even telling you.
This is not a person you can trust. He does what he wants, when he wants, takes from you, and doesn't even talk it over with you. So obviously you can't buy a house together, or send your daughter to the school you planned. But moreover, you can't commingle your money, business, or assets with him anymore either, because he will spend it out from under you.
Obviously you cannot marry him either, but I get the sense you didn't have immediate plans, just been calling yourselves engaged, together for over a decade. You have a daughter but what you really have are two single people.