'AITA for telling my friend I didn’t know she cared about her health that much?'
"AITA for telling my friend I didn’t know she cared about their health that much?"
I (male 28) have been friends with Jen (female 27) for over 10 years. For a bit of background over the last 8 years Jen has been gaining weight and for the past 4 has been morbidly obese.
We are no longer able to do a lot of the things we used to do. Concert venues she can no longer fit in the chairs, hiking, going to the farmers market, kayaking etc. through all of it we’ve adjusted to accommodate what Jen can do.
A few months ago I moved into a new apartment and got the water tested for heavy metals, nitrate, bacteria, and fluoride through my states health department. Everything came back clear so I’ve been drinking the water because I don’t want to waste single use plastic bottles if I can avoid it.
Jen came over for the first time this week and I offer her some water and she says “you’re not getting that from the tap are you?” I explain the tests I had done on it so it’s safe and she says it’s not healthy to drink tap water and she can only drink bottled water.
I said I didn’t realize she cared about her health that much. She asked what’s that supposed to mean and I said the past few years I’ve noticed a change in her habits and am concerned she’s going to have more health problems that will one day take her life.
I thought when she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes it might be a wake up call to change her eating and exercise habits but instead she’s focusing on tap water? She said I was treating her different for gaining weight and that their was nothing wrong about her eating and I was just being fatphobic. AITA for telling my friend I didn’t realize she cared about her health that much?
The internet kept it honest in the comment section.
Shitsuri wrote:
YTA. I just think it was an unnecessary and rude escalation, although you obviously have wanted to talk about it for a while.
AccountMitosis responded:
Yeah, especially because so many weight problems are rooted in issues with someone's locus of control, and cruel comments tend to pull someone's locus of control outwards (causing them to feel like they're not in control of their own body), not inwards (feeling like they do have control) which is where it's most healthy for it to be in the context of weight loss.
People really don't get that "tough love" often has the exact opposite effect of what they supposedly intend (although some people also just use "tough love" as an excuse for cruelty and don't actually intend to help).
Fat-shaming someone to "help" them is like noticing that it's really hot in a room, recognizing that it could be dangerous to health for it to be that way, and deciding to fix it by turning the temperature UP. Some people legitimately DO think they're being helpful when they do it, or it's just been normalized to them... but that still doesn't change how unhelpful their actions are.
Paradoxically, people who don't focus on weight find it much easier to lose weight. Calling attention to it in an unhelpful, rude way is much more likely to cause the wrong kind of awareness and damage someone's ability to lose weight by making weight the focus rather than health.
Empty_Wasabi_5761 wrote:
“I didn’t realize you cared about your health so much” oooof
That sounds like something my grandma would say to a fat person. Such a rude sassy passive aggressive way to talk to a “friend."
You sound like you could be in a real housewives franchise with all that shade lmao
YTA shade queen 💅🏽
SnooBunnies7461 wrote:
YTA. This has been building for a while and instead of addressing it as you were going along you basically fat shamed her over tap water. I could have just said you didn't have any bottled water and called it a day. Nope you had to make a point that didn't need to be made.
EmpressJainaSolo wrote:
ESH. You both were being judgmental here. She shouldn’t judge you for using the tap. You shouldn’t have used this opportunity to unleash all your feelings about your friend’s weight gain. There were ways to express worry and concern over your friend’s decreasing mobility and her diabetes diagnosis. This wasn’t it.
Luna_Lovebad1 wrote:
I gained 40 lbs over a couple years because of depression (multiple family losses in a short time). I worked to get it off after fixing the depression, and I remember I brought a salad to a family potluck and my sister said "oh what you're eating healthy now?" It hurt so much that she brought up her "concerns" that way, and didn't ever ask me how I was doing or support me.
You sound exactly the same, judgemental and not a true friend.
That being said ESH. Why bring it up in this way?? The conversation should have been kept on the water and not her weight. and she shouldn't have been snarky about the tap water. Both of you gotta work on the judgement.
deefop wrote:
NTA, but reddit ain't gonna be on your side for this one. There has been an almost unending string hilariously bad risk assessment skills on display since...2020? The idea that a morbidly obese person with type 2 diabetes is worried about drinking tap water is indeed laughable.
Honestly, you might have said something before now, but don't kid yourself - she probably would have called you fatphobic anyway.
Never_Fading wrote:
YTA. Diabetes can cause weight gain. Taking insulin can cause weight gain. Any number of other medications can cause weight gain. Contrary to popular belief, weight isn't a totally reliable indicator of health.
Her blood work can all be great and she can be getting the amount of exercise recommended by her doctor, and she can still be fat. Don't pretend you know her relationship with her health just because you can see how big she's gotten.