'AITA for telling my husband to book a hotel for us at SIL's wedding rather than stay with family?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband to book a hotel for us while we attend my SIL's wedding, rather than share accommodations with his family?"

My husband and I are going to be traveling soon to attend his sister's wedding along with our one year old son. The plan was that we would land at his parent's place and attend one of the wedding ceremonies there. A few days after that, there's another wedding reception in my SIL's soon-to-be husband's city.

My in-laws plan to book a few train compartments for the entire family, and an airbnb for the stay there (2-3 days). I really don't want to be in a confined space with my in-laws for that long, especially with my son. My in-laws and I used to be cordial with each other until my son was born. A few weeks after delivery, my MIL and SIL visited us to "help."

All they did was just find any opportunity to hold him, regardless of whether he was asleep or in my arms, criticizing me for being too clingy with him when I would put my foot down and basically started locking myself in my room with him.

They'd lament how poor my cooking was and how sorry they felt for their poor son/brother who had to endure it, until both my husband and I had had enough and my husband hinted heavily that they had overstayed their welcome. Since then, I get hounded for not sending enough pictures and videos of him, and how I dress him. I'm so grateful we're far enough away that we see them rarely.

I told my husband a couple of days ago that I'd rather we just fly from his parent's place to the other city and just stay at a hotel while we attend the second ceremony. My husband said that would make us look snobbish, that he himself wasn't over the moon about the whole itinerary but it was a family event and we should be with family.

The fact that he wasn't into it frustrated me even more because like we're all making ourselves uncomfortable for what then? We got into an argument, his mother and sister's stay got rehashed and I told him he was choosing to make me uncomfortable rather than potentially risk his family being affronted. AITA?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Foreverforgettable wrote:

NTA. Let your husband “spend time” with his family. Make the flight and hotel arrangements for yourself and your son. Let him deal with the fallout. They already treat you poorly, who cares if they think you’re a snob. You are never going to be “good enough” for their son/brother.

Why bother trying to “keep the peace” as so many people love to make others do? They didn’t care about offending you by sh*t talking whilst you recovered from birth. (Which WTF, they would NOT have eaten if it was me because I would not have cooked for them.)

Both now and before your husband failed you.

Do what you want and let him do as he sees fit. (Maybe don’t bother going at all-your SIL doesn’t seem to like you why bother supporting her?)

OP responded:

Thank you so much. I'm really glad to read the comments here, his comment about it coming across as snobbish had given me a bit of a pause but honestly the train trip and the 3 days at the airbnb have been on my mind this entire time.

I'm going to take the flight there even if my husband wants to take the train. I really want the three of us to stay at the hotel together though, I'm going to insist that we stay at a hotel again.

Foundation_wrong wrote:

NTA put your foot down, point out that you, he and baby are a family of your own. You don’t want to get enmeshed in the passive aggressive BS. He needs to say, Hey we decided to give you guys more space and sort out our own accommodation. Junior can be cranky and we don’t want to spoil your peace. We will see you at all the functions! Make it a declaration not a request.

OP responded:

This would be a really good way to put it. Knowing my in-laws, they'll probably still feel insulted but I'll tell my husband this is how we should put it across. Thank you.

Shaggiemaggielovspat wrote:

NTA- while it is a family event, being locked in with family for the train ride and then in an Air B&B will be very uncomfortable for everyone since you have a 1-year-old. They need routine and peace and quiet to rest, and your family will want to pass him around and he will end up possibly sick.

It’s fine to have him visit with family for a reasonable amount of time, but he needs time to nap and play without the overstimulation. Use him as your reason for the alternate trip plans and advise the family that you would feel horrible if his crying ruined everyone’s fun time.

You can even let them know he is teething/starting his terrible twos early/possessed by a demon so there is no push back. If your husband really wants to stay with the family, let him know he will be in charge of the cranky one-year-old and you will be in another car getting a nap in yourself.

The next day, OP shared an update.

After reading the comments in my original post I had decided that taking the flight with my son rather than the train was non-negotiable. And I hoped to convince my husband for the 3 of us to stay at a hotel.

I brought up the topic with him again, and said that a 22-hour train ride wasn't fair to our son, he's been doing really well recently with his sleep cycle and messing that up for my in-laws sake wasn't right, regardless of what they ended up thinking.

I was firm about it. He finally agreed. I thought it meant my son and I would be taking the flight and my husband the train, but he said he'd be taking the flight with us. He said the long train ride would be horrible for him without us, and that his family would bring up me taking the plane and he didn't want to be around for that.

I was really happy and decided to bring up hotel accommodations and he agreed to that too, saying that his family were already going to be mad at us for taking the flight, so at this point, we might as well make ourselves comfortable. When he told his parents about this, they did not take it well.

My MIL complained about how everyone was looking forward to playing with and entertaining our son, that it was a family event and it wouldn't be fun without us. She even suggested to him that I could take the plane and my husband and son take the train, but my husband shut that down, said that our son doesn't react well to having his normal routine disrupted and we'd see them there.

So that's that. This has been such a weight off my shoulders!

Since we're taking the flight, we'll be there a day before everyone else and can tour the city by ourselves.

I also hope we can avoid having to go to the airbnb for everything. Like they're going to expect us to have breakfast/lunch/dinner with them but I'll rather we do our own thing for the meals (at least breakfast). But still this has been such a relief. Thank you to all those who gave me advice in the original post.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

-gadget-girl wrote:

NTA Make it crystal clear to MIL that access to your son involves being polite and respectful towards his mother. Otherwise she is looking at years of very limited contact. She needs to understand that her current methods are backfiring on her badly.

OP responded:

We already have limited contact by virtue of where we live thankfully. We'd made it known that she'd overstepped lines when we politely but firmly suggested it was time for her to go back when she'd stayed over, but that hasn't stopped her from being overbearing regarding pictures and what he wears and what he eats though. So I don't even know if it's worth the trouble anymore.

Fredredphooey wrote:

NTA and wow. MIL wants a 1-year-old on a 22-hour train ride for her own entertainment? Tell her to rent a baby or get a dog. Insanity. No one in their right mind would be OK with 22 hours on a train with a baby unless it was absolutely unavoidable-- like if you were fleeing the country.

glindathegoodwitch wrote:

NTA You might also have your husband warn them in advance that if they make any negative comments, question you your choices regarding any aspect of the trip, your son’s care or your parenting choices it will be the last trip the three of you make for any family events.

StringCheeseMacrame wrote:

NTA. I can understand why you had to tell your in-laws that you wouldn’t be on the train trip, but I definitely would have shut them down the minute they tried to discuss whether my immediate family’s decision to travel separately.