'AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t need to know details of my debt if he isn’t paying it?'

"AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of my debt if he isn’t helping me pay it off?"

My husband (32M) is a stay at home dad to our 23mo son while I (29F) work full time from home. He told me months ago that he HAS to have £200 a month spending money each month to get his games. He constantly asks for extra PSN cards for stealth releases or asking me to but £50-£100 worth of toys for our son (because 1 toy isn’t enough he has to get the whole collection) or takeout etc.

If I say no he says things that guilts me into buying them. Anything over our allotted budget goes on my credit card. And after all bills are paid etc I have less than he gets each month to pay back into debt. I got a bonus from work this month which works out to about £1600 after tax and deductions.

I am giving him £900 of that (£600 for the upcoming PS5 pro and £300 for a collectors edition of a game), he wants to get our son a tablet so I said I would give £100 towards that and that leaves me the rest to pay back debt. He asked me if there was any reason why it wasn’t more.

I told him that if it wasn’t for the extra expense of the console I would have a bit more but it is what it is and he started getting upset saying I was throwing it in his face and everything I buy him comes with caveats (which it doesn’t - I have never complained about buying him anything and never told him no.

He’ll even come to me with a list of games/release dates/prices and ask me to work out a way that he’ll be able to get them all with his money. When I tell him his response is “but if I need more for whatever reason you’ll be able to get me a PSN voucher yeah?”

He started asking me exactly how much I owed and stuff. I told him the amount when he asked but he got upset that I never told him anything beforehand. I simply told him that I don’t see what the point is because he always panics and then that stresses me out with all the questions.

Besides I didn’t think he needs to know the exact details other than we are okay (he knows I would tell him if we weren’t) because he isn’t giving anything back to pay it off he is just taking money off me for what he wants. He is acting like I am treating him like a child and I am lying to him. Saying I’m a bad wife and that no one he knows has a marriage like this etc. just want to know AITA?

Commenters had plenty to say.

Honest-Sector4558 wrote:

EDIT: Changed to NTA based on OP's comments. OP said in one comment that she works from home and does most of the childcare and cooking, and that her husband refuses to be a part of the budget and finances even though she regularly shares that information with him.

I feel like you should involve him more in the finances because based on this post it does sound like you divvy up the money and give him an allowance. He should really be part of the budgeting process so he understands where you both are financially.

If anything, this could really benefit you because I feel like he is constantly asking for money for things, but he might not do that as often if he was reminded more often of the fact that you have debt that needs to be paid down. Realistically, the focus should be on paying down the debt and it isn't really even your debt it's both of your debts at this point because you're married.

He needs to understand that things like a PS5 and games are just not a priority, and that the majority of what you have to spend after expenses should really be going to debt. I think he's an AH for not being more involved and for guilting you into giving him money for things like video games when you are in debt, but I can also see you being a bit of AH if you don't actively involve him in the budget.

OP responded:

I would LOVE to involve him into the budgeting process but he doesn’t want to be. He can’t even budget his own spending money properly. He has literally left all the money side of things to me. I am forever trying to talk to him about it but he doesn’t want to know.

I have it on my phone and I send him the break down each month even trying to talk it through with him but he gets upset at me cos he doesn’t understand and just gives up.

Your_Auntie_Viv wrote:

NTA So, with that bonus $, how much of that are you spending on yourself? From your post, it sounds like your entire bonus is going to your greedy-ass husband (gaming supplies + paying off debt for other goodies he’s bought for himself) and a measly £100 for your child (not sure why a toddler needs a tablet but that’s your own parenting choice to make).

Does this sound sane or reasonable to you?

He sounds like a greedy little brat that is leaching off of you. Of course a stay at home parent has needs and desires but you are going into debt just so he can have whatever the he’ll he wants.

Not many new parents can afford to lavish themselves with brand new gaming consoles and collectors items. But apparently he can, while driving YOU into debt. You both need to get together every month to go over finances and make a budget . Maybe if he understands your finances better, he might not be so greedy. If he continues, you need to reevaluate this relationship.

RoyallyOakie wrote:

ESH...you should both know all the numbers and plan the budget together. Then he can't make outrageous demands or feign ignorance. You're withholding to avoid uncomfortable conversations.

OP responded:

No he doesn’t want anything to do with the budget. It should be a joint thing you’re right but he literally doesn’t want to know what the budget is. He only cares that I send him the right amount for his spending money, the bills coming out of his account, and then anything extra he asks for.

I would love to be able to discuss the budget and finances with him but every time I try to he gets annoyed and says he doesn’t understand and leaves it to me. So if all the money is left up to me (earning it, budgeting it, and paying back debt) why should he know the ins and outs of it all?

I didn’t when the roles were reversed nor did I expect to. I was doing the budget so I knew what was getting paid back (just like I tell him how much is getting paid back each month) but I never knew how much he owed.

SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:

ESH. This arrangement does seem to be more of a parent-child one than equal partners. Just because he stays home with your child doesn't mean he shouldn't be involved in your joint finances.

"I don’t see what the point is because he always panics and then that stresses me out with all the questions and besides I didn’t think he needs to know the exact details other than we are okay."

Panic is not good, I agree with that. He needs to work on that. But that doesn't mean you should just pat him on the head and tell him it's all fine.

OP responded:

I see your point. I guess I’m having issues seeing it as joint finances when he contributes nothing but takes a lot more than is budgeted for him each month. The problem is he doesn’t want anything to do with the money. He doesn’t want to know the budget, he doesn’t care.

I do all the budgeting and just send him his spending money, and money for the bills coming out of his account. I tell him how much goes back to debt each month but that’s all I knew when the roles were reversed.

bestbobever wrote:

NTA - or maybe ESH for different reasons.

I don’t think you are the AH because according to your other comments he seems to regale in willful ignorance until it means there is no money for his entertainment.

Based on your comments below your husband isn’t a stay at home parent, he just stays at home. It sounds like he isn’t managing the household and children which is what a stay at home parent should be doing.

I’m not sure how you got stuck in this situation. But I would like to point out that your child is going to be learning relationship dynamics based on what they observe. In 20 years would you be happy if their future long term relationship mimics yours?