'AITA for telling my husband that his mom deserves nothing if he were to pass in an accident?'

"AITA for telling my husband that his mom deserves nothing if he were to d*e in an accident?"

Recently my husband has been talking about taking out a life insurance policy. I am in favor of this, as we have a baby & he is pursuing a career as a pilot.

This weekend he walked into our bedroom and said that he had researched a policy he’d like to get, for 3 million dollars. He then says ‘I think I’ll set it up so half is for you & half for my mom’. I am American. He is Cuban. His mother & the rest of his family currently live in Latin American.

They do okay for themselves but the standard of living is a bit different from the US (though not crazy). She’s not happy there, and we’ve been trying to sponsor her to come to the US. I like his mom, and we have supported her in many ways such as paying for multiple trips to Cuba, paying to send suitcases/parcels with clothes/shoes to them, cash gifts when we visit, etc.

When he says this about splitting the life insurance policy something in my gut felt weird. I think it showed on my face because he asked me, and I said that it seemed odd to me. That it seemed like these kind of legal/financial things should be set up for our small family and that I would not just leave his family hanging if anything were to happen.

He was defensive, asking why I didn’t want his mom to get anything. I wasn’t saying that, but I didn’t really have words to explain what I was feeling. I was clear that of course I would want his mom to receive funds if something so tragic happened, but that it seemed like legally this policy should be set up for me & our kid + future kids.

Round and round we went. My logic- say he passes away in an accident in twenty years, we have 3 kids, his mom is still alive & pushing 80. 1.5 million is excessive for someone of her age & lifestyle. For this example it gets split evenly between the three kids. A lot of money, but obviously you can’t do as much with 500k as you can with 1.5 million.

I think it’s logical to say that cost of life & living for an elderly women vs for a young family of 4 is very different, and that different quantities of money should be allocated because of this. Also, I want to be part of this decision. Him waltzing in and telling me what he’s going to do doesn’t fly with me, especially as we are equal earners in our home & share finances so I am paying for half of this policy.

His logic- I should think of it as two separate policies. 1.5 for his family, 1.5 for me & our kids. That our kids will get 500k which is a lot of money. That 500k is better than nothing, and isn’t it good enough that he’s thinking of us and setting us up for a good life?

He continuously accuses me of not wanting his mom to get any money. He also called me selfish, implying that I just wanted more money for myself. He says of course his mom would share this money with the rest of his family (dad, sister & nephews). I don’t have great words for how I feel. It just doesn’t feel normal to me. AITA?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

Disastrous_Donut_206 wrote:

NTA.

Typically a life insurance policy is intended to cover the losses associated with someone’s passing.

That includes costs of burial, etc, but also the lost income of the person dying. Your first step should be to calculate the financial impact of your husband dying. How much money would he earn over the remainder of his career? How would the loss of that income impact your ability to pay the mortgage? Or your kids ability to go to college?

That should be how you think about life insurance for your family. It’s not unreasonable to consider that your husband won’t be able to contribute as much to his family. But he’s treating this more like buying lottery tickets for her every month…and it’s reasonable to not want to put that in the family budget.

lawfox32 wrote:

NTA, and it's absurd that he called you selfish. Imagine, God forbid, that he passed away not 20 years from now, but while your kids are still young. You would be alone raising those kids. If you got sick, or one of the kids got sick, you could end up not being able to work for an unknown amount of time. Even without that, kids are expensive to raise. Childcare is expensive.

You'd be paying for a house purchased with the assumption of two incomes. Do the two of you plan to help your kids with college/trade school/just starting out in life? Do you plan to give them something for a wedding or first home? Would he want to be able to secure that in case he's not able to be there? This should absolutely be a conversation between the two of you.

owls_and_cardinals wrote:

NTA. I think you're right. If he wants a separate policy payable to her, he can get one. I think the fact that you're paying for half the policy is significant here too. Is there a life policy on you?

Generally your logic that an aging woman with adult kids / no dependents needs less money to live on than a young family (where several members will be too young to contribute financially for many years, likely to have education expenses, etc.) is completely valid and rational.

This piece is troubling:

"He continuously accuses me of not wanting his mom to get any money. He also called me selfish, implying that I just wanted more money for myself."

This is...not a respectful attitude for him to have towards you. I'm assuming there has been some prior strife in terms of the amount of financial support he wants to give her versus what you're comfortable with but accusations like this feel really ugly in the context of a loving marriage.

Frankly he should think better of you than those statements suggest he does, and if I my spouse said those things to me in a conflict over money I'd be LIVID. You should really consider therapy.

That he wants to split it evenly, despite the need not being even, suggests something to me...it shows kind of a psychological state he has where he's trying to be even and equitable between you (his wife), and his mother, which strikes me as pretty unhealthy and unreasonable.

You can't be sharing your husband, you know? He should not feel split between you, but this shows he does. All the more need for therapy, stat.

aj_alva wrote:

NTA. If you are paying half of the policy you should have more of a say on how it is spent. I also think it is weird that he is treating it like an even split, it is not in any way equal. As you point out, she is one person while you are part of a growing family.

She will be taking care of herself while you will be taking care of your children, their education, and potentially their own little families as they grow up. Also, while it is nice that he feels responsible to repay his mother for all she has done for him - you are doing so much more than her at this point of his life (and for the rest of his life!)

Misha220 wrote:

I don't have a judgment to add, and I anticipate I will be downvoted by this comment. I understand where you are coming from, as someone who is from Latin America and has lived in other countries. I am well aware with the constant mixed blessing you live with. On a daily basis you are aware and grateful for the privileges of life in America.

While at the same time being aware of how much better your life is than your family who lives in your home country (even if they are doing well financially). Add to this the incredible poverty and scarcity of things he may have experienced or witness in Cuba. He will feel heavily responsible for helping in anyway he could.

As you and him work towards a compromise, please keep this in mind. However acclimated he may seem to you. He will ALWAYS be the boy who was born and raised in Cuba. When you are involved with an immigrant. There are some cultural things that will never be understood by natives of the country.

AdeptAd3224 wrote:

I am not going to give a veridict here. As a Latin Amrican from the sister island. You guys have cultural diffrences you need to talk out. You see usually its the norm for children to thake care of their parents. And its also quite normal for the "more succesfull" child to help his/her siblings.

How it usually goes is that parents will not give all their kids even help but will do as much as posible for their "best achiever" sometimes siblings will help financially so there is a big chance that the only reason your husband was able to do a degree or even get to the USA was with thanks to his family in general.

Example, my mom helped my aunt get out of the island. Now she has a good job and a couple of apartments. She has told my mom there is an apartment available for her when she retires. Another sibling pays her plane tickets etc. I think you need to talk to your husband about his life in Cuba.