'AITA for telling my husband I won’t be going to his birthday since he asked if I would leave early?'
"AITA for telling my husband I won’t be going to his birthday dinner since he asked if I would leave early anyway?"
For context, I will be 38 weeks pregnant on my husband’s birthday this year.
The previous week, I reluctantly allowed his sister to pick my daughter up from school so she could spend the day with her and his parents (she does half days still).
I say reluctantly because they have continuously crossed parental boundaries in the past, but that’s a different story. It had been a while, and she loves them and I truly want them to have a relationship, so I gave it another go. Anyway, my husband and I went to pick her up at his parents and while there, his sister asked what he was doing for his birthday coming up.
I had asked him a number of times already what he wanted to do, had thrown out some ideas for us to do as a family as well, but he never decided on anything. So, he says he doesn’t have plans. She asked if he wanted her to make him dinner at her apartment then and he said yeah, that sounds good.
It would be a family dinner: his parents, her partner, and our family. All good. Tonight, he said that we could drive separately because he doesn’t want to leave early. He asked me at dinner if I would leave early with our daughter so I could put her to bed. He wants to stay and drink and sm*ke and be up late.
This majorly upset me because this whole pregnancy has not felt like a partnership whatsoever. He only made one of my several ultrasounds (I’m over 35, so get a good amount of them), works almost every weekend voluntarily vs. making plans with my daughter and I, put off doing things I physically cannot do for the nursery until the third trimester I’ve been asking him to do since the first.
I’ve also asked him to look into ways he can support me during birth and not a single google search has been made to that effect.
I’m not sure if I’m being the crazy pregnant lady, but it certainly feels like he just wants to do whatever he wants without any regard to me carrying this child he told me desperately wanted (I was fine with one). Our birthdays are close, the baby’s due date is only two days after mine (so I’ll be 40 weeks for my birthday if she doesn’t decide to arrive before then).
So for my birthday, I don’t get to do anything but be pregnant and wait for baby. It would be nice to feel like he wants to spend these special occasions with me/my daughter and I. He clearly is not empathetic to the fact that I can’t go out and do these things for this period of time, so to be told to go home he can is hurtful.
I told him that in that case, I don’t even want to be there and she (my daughter) and I aren’t going to dinner. Honestly, I would not be in a mood to celebrate and just get upset anyway. But it does constantly feel like as much as he claims to be a family guy, spending quality time with us doesn’t matter to him.
The internet made sure to share their thoughts.
Mindless-Fig7671 wrote:
He shouldn’t be getting dr*nk and stoned when you are 38 weeks pregnant. It’s normal to go into labor from week 37, so he should be staying sober just in case. He also sounds like a selfish jerk who doesn’t appreciate his wife and child.
TiredDog-Mama-6262 wrote:
I think he has emotionally left this relationship. To many red flags for things he is doing or has not done. Sounds like his family is full of jerks. I would start analyzing this situation and determine if it worth staying in. Don’t be a single parent in a marriage.
Apart-Scene-9059 wrote:
Info: What is his "excuse" for missing ultrasounds and
"works almost every weekend voluntarily."
What is the odds he's working more hours to either A. make extra income before the baby or B. To supplement your income if you are currently not working.
OP responded:
Very good questions. He makes an excellent salary without the work. He has always just been very financially motivated, so he just “likes the extra money.” We don’t need it by any means. I’ve told him recently he needs to cut back a bit so we can have more of a balance between home and work.
I know it makes him feel good to provide above and beyond in this way, and it’s usually not a big deal to me, but I did literally have to tell him specifically not to pick up the shifts the week before and OF my due date.
Artistic-Giraffe-866 wrote:
Yep this sounds like a disengaged guy - likes the idea of kids as long as you do all the work and his life doesn’t have to change a bit - sounds like you are the issue holding him back from his life - I hope things change for you but he doesn’t sound like a catch.
CarrottBacon wrote:
This is a tough one because I don't think asking you to put your daughter to bed on his birthday so he can chill a bit longer at his sister's after a family dinner is unreasonable. But it sounds like you are continuously let down by his underwhelming involvement, so you're keeping score and overreacting to this specific situation because of being fed up over a lot of valid issues.
But like, why are you having another kid with this guy? I'm 99% sure this sort of stuff is nothing new, so you can either deal with it or decide you're not gonna put up with it, but you don't need the internet to tell you if you're TA. Your husband is not going to change, but you're NTA.