'AITA for telling my husband's female best friend she can't host my baby shower?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for telling my husband's girl best friend she can't host my baby shower?"

I (22f) and my husband (23m) got married young, I was eighteen, he was nineteen. Both of us knew we always wanted to get married and start a family young. I started college two years ago, and he just graduated with a Bachelor of Biomedical Science.

My husband has a girl best friend (23f), who I'll call Sam, who he met in College, both of them grew up Baptist, and while he's left the church, they had a very similar childhood and bonded quite quickly. Despite what you may be thinking her and I got along really well. She and I liked the same music and we were both studying in relatively the same fields so she became a friend of mine as well.

Since I found out I was pregnant though, some issues have started to arise. We announced our pregnancy on social media after we told our parents. Sam texted my husband a congrats text and then told him to pass on her well wishes to me.

She's been texting him nonstop with baby advice and what she likes to call "advice for mama" which includes sometimes relatively targeted jabs at what I should eat. Honestly, I kept brushing the texts off, but it got to a point where the conversations were less about the baby and more about me which I was getting increasingly uncomfortable with because she wasn't texting me she was texting my husband.

My husband acknowledged this and has just started to show them to me and ask what I want him to do. I just told him to ignore them. When I announced I was having a baby shower and sent out the invites, I recieved a text from Sam. She said something along the lines of wanting to host my baby shower and set it up.

I told her politely that my mom was planning on hosting it with the help of my sister and that it was a special moment for them and I wouldn't want to take that away. Well Sam ignored that message, because the next day, she came over and insisted we start working out arrangements for the venue.

I told her once again, my mom and sister were hosting it and she told me that she should take her advice and let her plan it because she'd ensure that the baby shower would be better if she planned it particularly because she'd be working on the menu.

Whether it was pregnancy hormones or just bottled up rage, I told her that the jabs she'd been making at me behind my back about my diet during this pregnancy to my husband are really annoying at that no she cannot host this shower and from now on her unsolicited advice was not appreciated especially if she can't say it to my face.

That night my husband's phone blew up with messages from Sam saying that he had no right to show her those messages and they were just supposed to just be health tips because Sam was studying nutritional science and only wanted to help her best friend and ensure a happy baby and life.

Honestly, I don't know. I know she had somewhat good intentions and she's been a good friend to my husband and to me so AITA?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

ducksmcquackers wrote:

NTA.

Sam overstepped massively, to the point where it's clear she has more than platonic feelings for your husband.

If Sam was truly your friend she would:

Text you directly.

Listen to you.

Understand that advice doesn't have to be taken.

Not make this about her.

Not be upset when you get shown the advice that should be meant for you.

It's clear Sam doesn't understand that there needs to be boundaries in the friendship. You and your husband have to be firm about what those boundaries are. This can't be a you thing or a him thing, you both have to be united in this.

Teenysod wrote:

NTA, your instincts are right on this one.

If the two of you got along so well, why wasn't Sam texting you directly with all her "helpful" advice?

This woman sounds like she is trying to insert herself between you and your husband in a really nasty manipulative way. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about boundaries. What did husband say after his phone blew up?

Mother_to3 wrote:

Your husband had “no right” to show you those messages??? I assume Sam isn’t married. Healthy relationships don’t have secrets. You are NTA. He needs to cut her off.

InfamousCup7097 wrote:

You know what's bad for the baby....stress, and she's adding to it. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his "friend" now before he starts looking like an AH. When the baby comes, neither of you will have time to entertain a third party because you'll be exhausted. She sounds borderline crazy. Make sure she doesn't try to hurt you and keep her far away from the baby.

MsCatw wrote:

NTA- but her and your husband are. Why is he allowing another female to put you in a place of discomfort? Maybe I’m just spoiled by a loving and protective husband. But there’s no way he’d allow anyone to do this to me. And he would tell anyone quickly that there are no secrets and there is no disrespecting me. Just like I am for him.

Lazy_Crocodile wrote:

NTA. Ignoring her messages is not the right solution. It’s time for your husband to set specific boundaries. Better yet - invite her over together and have the conversation face to face. She is counting on having separate side conversations with your husband - as evidenced by “that night my husband’s phone blew up with messages.” That needs to stop.

Sit her down and say:

We are married and there is nothing you can send me that I am going to keep secret from my wife.

Please stop sending me messages about my wife.

So you understand?

pgsmom wrote:

NTA. She’s definitely overstepping. Boundaries need to be set. The fact that she thinks your husband somehow betrayed her by showing you (his WIFE) texts she’s sending is strange. She needs to know her place. Your husband needs to set clear boundaries. She’s a friend, not a third person in your marriage.

Short-Log-4875 wrote:

NTA. Everyone always has the most insane amount of unsolicited advice for pregnant women and new mothers. Trust me, we've all experienced it. And we've all tried to be polite and smile and accept it graciously.

And eventually there's that one person who just won't stop no matter how politely we ask them and tell them their advice/help isn't needed in this situation and they just won't shut the hell up and you end up screaming at them and suddenly you're the worst person in the world because they were just trying to help.

Don't apologise. Don't feel bad. Her "helpful" diet tips were sent to your husband, not you. That's not helpful, that's a jab. You repeatedly told her that your mother and sister are organising your baby shower and didn't need any help and she didn't listen to you and insisted she could do better. Now you're justifiably pissed. And she can get the hell over it.

Equal-Brilliant2640 wrote:

You’ve got a husband problem. You need to have a strongly worded conversation with him NOW! He needs to shut her down HARD! There is no middle ground here. If he doesn’t see the issue with her behaviour? Well you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands. Hopefully he sees her blowing up his phone as a massive issue and steps up to the plate. Good luck you’re gonna need it.

After her post got a good deal of traction, OP shared an update with more context.

Hi everyone OP here, just wanted to give some more context and info and answer a lot of your burning questions. Also thank you for all the well wishes, our baby girl is healthy and happy from what I've heard from our OBGYN.

Okay here goes.

1. Sam is in a short term relationship, they've been dating for about two months and he's nice. I haven't talked to him much but from what I have gathered he treats her well.

2. I was severely underweight for most of high school. My mom was always very thin and so was I, but in high school I suffered from an ED for a while and lost a lot of weight very quickly. For the past three years I've been working with a therapist and food specialist to maintain a good diet, and that has not changed since pregnancy.

My OBGYN is happy with my health and the health of the baby. Sam does not know this, only my close family, friends and husband do. I don't share that info with many people because i don't find it necessary to.

3. Sam met my husband first before I met her, husband and I had been dating for three years by then, we started dating in high school. She has never expressed interest in my husband, that I know of.

4. It was not his choice to ignore the messages, but mine. Pregnancy has given me a lot of unnecessary stress and I didn't want to add to that by causing more drama with people, so if it was his way he would've shut her down. I told him not too because Sam has always been a passionate person and I didn't think much about the messages when they first started. That has since changed.

5. What I found most weird about the situation was that I was apparently not allowed to see those messages yet they were about me and how I was eating.

Some of them were sort of snarky, the worst one I saw was along the lines of criticizing me for wanting Mcdonalds at three in the morning when apparently, a big mac, a large fries and a large vanilla thickshake is not healthy for the baby. I did cry a little bit after reading that, and my husband did send a text message saying that I was allowed to crave stuff during my pregnancy, which she ignored.

6. Husband and I are probably going to go low contact with her for a bit. Also, he rarely hangs out with her anymore, and if he does, he invites me, but I don't always go because i'm tired.

7. Edit: IT WAS MY CHOICE TO GO LOW CONTACT NOT MY HUSBAND'S! Please stop criticising him for this decision as it wasn’t his. I'm aware this post has now become a place where many people are insinuating that Sam and my husband may have something going on, I assure you, they do not.

My reasoning for going low contact and not no contact are my own and it is what i am comfortable with at this moment. Thank you.

A day later, OP shared an other update.

Hi everyone, first I just want to thank you for all your support, truly it means the world. Okay so Hubby and I phoned Sam today and talked to her about the issues we were having with how she was acting.

I explained that I was very uncomfortable with the fact that she had been texting my husband not me about my pregnancy and eating habits and that when she assumed she would be granted secrecy and she wasn’t she got mad.

Sam explained that in the moment it seemed like a good idea not to text me directly in case she overstepped and made me mad, so she was hoping that if she explained things to my husband he would be able to relay that info to me casually. She assured she just wanted to help protect and nurture the baby and to that i said that this isnt her baby.

I am perfectly capable of making sure the baby is healthy. She apologised and explained that truly she only thought she was doing something good. Husband and I explained we are just going to distance ourselves a bit because this situation has mot only made me uncomfortable but husband also said that he needs to focus on his wife right now and Sam needs to take a backseat.

I don’t think she was overly happy with this but she said okay. She asked if she was still invited to the baby shower and Hubby said it may be best that she skips it but I explained if she wants to her invitation is still valid and she is still welcome. Sam did text me after the phone call asking if we can meet for coffee so i’m seeing her tomorrow.

I’ll update you guys on how that goes.

Honestly I think she was just misguided. She's not a bad person at heart.

Thanks!

The commenters were deeply invested.

de-d_poison_ivy wrote:

Don't go there on your own. Take someone with you and make sure they sit near you so in case anything happens they can help. I also wouldn't believe in her explanations. I don't know. Maybe I've listened to one too many true crime stories but people can be really unhinged.

If you're a normal person you don't overstep the boundaries that don't even have to be pointed out loud. Especially whe she became angry because your husband showed you her messages - something's not right.

Necessary_Bag9538 wrote:

You tell her you want a little distance from her but then she texts you later for coffee the next day?

ACherry1234 wrote:

Don’t go on your own! Take your mum or sister , and if your in a one party state record the conversation.

SquidgeSquadge wrote:

Definitely this, do NOT go alone with this woman. The other party doesn't need to know what has been said except that you have had a bit of a tiff and are just making amends because you don't want the stress with the baby.

Let Sam take out the trash and admit what she did in public with at least one witness.

Personally I'd say I want distance and keep it.

OP jumped on with another update after meeting up with Sam.

This will probably be the last update I do unless something else happens but safe to say after today, Sam is out of our lives! Essentially I did go see Sam, and she was not alone, in fact she brought her cousin who is pause for effect…a therapist!

About five minutes into Sam’s opening monologue I left. She explained that after hubby and I told her we wanted low contact she realised that clearly the stress of expecting a baby had caused me to act irrationally and she wanted me to have someone to speak to. She even tried to dress it up by saying that yay i didn’t have to pay for this. Yippee!

Anyway I left. Hubby sent her a message saying we need distance and not to contact us for a while edit: this does not mean we are going low contact, we are going no contact, as I stated she is out of our lives. Sam’s a bit irrational right now and we just want to minimise fallout hence telling her “for a while."

Not to psychoanalyse but honestly I think Sam needs help. Clearly she cares, but its too much. And honestly its insulting how little she thinks i can look after myself and my baby. Her overbearing personality has its limits and honestly I cant take it. Anyways thank you for all your support. If there's another update I’ll post here. For now, bye!

The comments kept coming.

aujcy wrote:

"and she was not alone, in fact she brought her cousin who is… pause for effect… a therapist!"

Yeah, I would've noped right out of that conversation too. Good for OP for noping out of the relationship with this person too.

CheerilyTerrified wrote:

I wonder what the therapist cousin made of the visit. Did they know why they were to give a random person therapy? Were they just worried about Sam? Are they really a therapist? Also I feel like girl best friend has become much more of a thing in the last year. I don't remember hearing about it anywhere near as much a year ago.

I didn't explain it well but I don't think men having a female best friend is a new thing, I was more thinking of the use of the term Girl Best Friend and lots of social media posts about discussing it, which feels more recent, like the term Boy Mom.

Tattedtail wrote:

I feel like a legit therapist wouldn't touch that set-up with a 10ft pole. So either Sam misrepresented the situation to the cousin ("I think my friend needs therapy).

(Can you come along and explain what therapy can help with + answer any questions?"), the cousin is not a licensed therapist (maybe they've had training to be a counselor but skipped the ethics module?), or the cousin had no idea and OP left before the cousin could.

rose_cactus wrote:

If i were OP I’d make sure Sam does not know the hospital where OP gives birth, and also put her on the “no bueno don’t let that person in under any circumstances” list just in case. Sam’s unhinged and may try to interfere.

Also, make sure to be above board on everything after coming back home with the baby - this is the type of nutter who will call CPS on you with false reports, “I’m just worried about the baaaaaaby!”