'AITA for telling my cousin that she can’t invite her friends over for Thanksgiving?'
"AITA for telling my cousin that she can’t invite her friends over for Thanksgiving?"
I have a medium sized family nearby. A few different aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. most years in the past one of my older cousins hosted Thanksgiving. She is kinda centrally located. This year she is having a major bathroom remodel and her place isn't really an option. She normally is very welcoming to family and HER co workers and HER friends.
When I've asked if I could invite random friends over she said she didn't feel comfortable with people over that weren't part of her life. I didn't push back. This year I'm hosting at my moms.
My mom is okay with me taking over this year. My cousin called and asked what times she should be over and said a few of her friends and coworkers wanted to know what to bring. I told her sorry but that they weren't in the guest list. She seemed annoyed and asked why not.
I told her when she hosts she is very unwelcoming to people I would have liked to invite. She argued that it's different because I know them now through her. I just said "look, those are your friends. I don't make plans to see them. I only see them at your place." She did I was being an "AH" but it sounded more like the B word. AITA?
The internet had plenty of thoughts to share.
dryadduinath wrote:
NTA. Hosts make the guest list. Honestly it sounds like she considers this “her” holiday, and your hosting an extension of her hosting. That would explain why she told her regular guests to show up to your event. That is not your fault, and she should never have invited them without your permission.
Lyzab77 wrote:
NTA. If you host, I suppose you’re the one preparing the main meal. So you have the most expenses and you have to clean after everyone. You host, you make the guest list. If cousin wanted to invite one person, why not but co workers and friends ? How many people does she want to bring?
Maybe it’s a little petty to react that way and you should have an open conversation with cousin about being authorized to invite a friend to her gatherings. And let her invite a friend. But considering that she can invite as much people she wants to someone else place… it’s weird to me…
Lucariothrowaway wrote:
NTA she’s manipulating with that “they’re your friends now too line.” If she hosts again next year are your friends invited? Because they’re gonna get to know each other at your thanksgiving right? I highly doubt she would understand the irony. She’s selfish and thinks everything revolves around her.
Alfred-Register7379 wrote:
NTA. Nope. It's your house. You absolutely don't spend time with them.
They are not your friends...they do not represent you. A family member's friend, is not automatically our friend. She doesn't understand this about life?
curiousity60 wrote:
NTA. She is comfortable including coworkers and friends to the event she hosts- while also limiting the total number of guests. That does not confer a right for her, nor obligation for you, to bring along her extensive social entourage to a family event hosted by someone else.
You have the same right to limit invited guests to a number appropriate to the venue, table space, and financial restraints of those preparing the meal and space. Your SIL overstepped. You corrected her. Good job.
dolphinsmademedoit wrote:
NTA. Thanksgiving is a BIG meal and a lot of work for the host. You absolutely get to decide who is and isn't worth the effort to you when hosting. If she wants to see her friends so badly, they should organize a friendsgiving at one of their homes. It is not on you to be her surrogate host.
Grump_curmudgeon wrote:
NTA but you should initiate further conversation with her. This is the kind of thing that can cause unfortunately cause big family rifts echoing down generations.
Now that she's cooled off, it's fair to reopen this--and this time, it's about her tone. "When you told me I couldn't bring guests when you hosted, I accepted it quietly, although I was very disappointed. But when I did the exact same thing to you, you cursed at me and hung up. That's not a kind way to treat family. You have to know that you were inappropriate here, so what's really going on?"
Should you have to do this? Of course not. You were simply mirroring the established power of the host. And you don't have to do it, and you still won't be TA! But if you love and value your family, you get ahead of rifts before they happen. Being proactive when issues like this arise is smart, thoughtful, and kind. In addition, you might use the opportunity to revisit it with your cousin.
If you allow X number of her guests this year, then you request the same option in the future at her place. Negotiations and compromise can get us what we really want in the long term! And if you really can't accommodate any more guests, then you tell her that it's not really about how unwelcoming she has been but about the space; your mom just doesn't have it.
If that didn't come up in your first conversation, you can say "Look, I tried to make this work, but we really can't fit the extra seven people in this house." So the question for you is whether you're content not to be TA here or if you want to go beyond that and be the angel.
MythologicalRiddle wrote:
NTA. "My cousin called and asked what times she should be over and said a few of her friends and coworkers wanted to know what to bring."
Tell them to bring a larger house that can accomodate everyone as well as a catering team to take care of the dinner.
The host decides the guest list. Guests can decide whether or not they want to attend. Except under very limited circumstances, the guest should never ask - let alone demand - to have additional people invited. (Exceptions include: the guest has long-term partner the host was unaware of, the guest has a full-time caretaker, and/or the guest has custody of their children that week.)