'AITA for telling my dad I'm not a toy he can take out when he needs me?'

"AITA for telling my dad I'm not a toy he can take out when he needs me and discard once I've served my purpose?"

I'm (22m) a twin and I have a twin sister Wren. When Wren and I were 4 our mom passed from liver cancer. She was 30. I know that would be difficult for dad. Going from a happily married father of two to a widowered father of two with no family close enough (emotionally) for support would be a lot. But he was a better dad to my sister than to me and that started before mom passed.

It just stood out more after. My dad was an affectionate and caring father to Wren. She was his little girl and her cherished her. If she fell he would pick her up, kiss her tears and clean her cuts. He was gentle and compassionate with her. When she was upset she could sleep in bed with him. He'd snuggle with her on the couch.

He'd pull her out of school sometimes and take her for father-daughter dates. When she was bullied, he was riding the school hard to deal with it and he fought so hard for her. He went out of his way to make sure she was loved and supported. Growing up I heard the words tough and strong a lot. I heard the word man a lot and I was still so young.

He never cuddled me or kissed away my tears or carried me. He never even said I love you to me. There was nothing gentle about him when it came to me. He was rougher, harsher, he expected me to be tough, to be a man, to be strong. If I had a nightmare I was sent right back to bed. When I got bullied horrifically in high school my dad didn't want to know.

There were times Wren and I would both fall. We'd both be young too. And even if I was bleeding more, she was the kid he comforted. It was never me. Not if it was both of us falling and not if it was just me. He never did father-son dates. The most interest he ever showed in me was when I could help him do guy chores, like moving stuff.

I tried to approach this with him on a few different occasions but I never got to finish. He always cut me off for one reason or another. It got to a point where I expected it if I tried. I moved in with my best friends family after I finished high school (at home). Wren lived at home for two more years. Dad only called me when he wanted something.

He did it again the other day and I decided this s-t had to end. I told him I'm not a toy he can take out when he needs me and then discard me once I've served my purpose. I told him I'm his son, not his helper. And I brought up how he never says he misses me, or says I love you, he never ever showed me love or affection and I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore.

Dad sent me an email in response (he emails better than he texts) saying I was being very harsh. He said I was never his little girl and boys are raised different. I replied I was never trying to be his little girl but I was his little boy and he should have shown me love too. He responded again that I accused him of discarding me like a possession which was unjustified. AITA?

The commenters did not hold back one bit.

singyoulikeasong wrote:

NTA - I swear some dads [some not all] have this t-xic mindset of having to be loving and doting for their daughter but will think it makes the son weak if he does the same for him. I don't get it? Like showing your child you love them isn't weak. You deserve better!

AppropriateListen981 responded:

It’s pretty maddening to witness. I’m a man, my father, my grandfather, my uncles were all affectionate and hugged me, hell I had to ask my dad to stop kissing in front of friends when I was a teen. I played football at the collegiate level, joined the military and have seen combat, I’ve never once called a repair man to fix something on my house.

I’ve excelled in my professional life and I have a girlfriend that I plan on marrying soon, and having children with I say all this to say, I’m a fairly manly man, I’m not weak because the men in my life that played a part in raising me were affectionate. If anything, it’s the reason I am “manly."

Open-Incident-3601 wrote:

NTA. “Dad, after Mom died, you spent the rest of the years I was at home telling me, with words and actions, to be a man and not bother you. Now it’s your turn.”

Icy_Cover5158 wrote:

NTA your feelings are valid and it's high time your father knew it. Now I'm not excusing his generational ideals as I find them abhorrent to a parent to both genders.

I won't lie and say my parenting wasn't different for all the kids as my kids aren't identical beings but the basics were applied to all. My affection my attention and general rules to abide by. I think your dad may need education on this and you're providing that.

Reply back with, yes it may appear to be harsh to you, but that was my life growing up. It was significantly harsher to live it. He may see his teaching as successful, even, as you gained independence younger than your sister and may be a point of pride for him not seeing the damage it caused to develope your independence in such a way.

He should be corrected, this isn't a point of pride and there are healthier ways to "raise a man" ugh. I hate that saying for the implications. But good luck to you in your life. Don't be disappointed forever, he's your father and you've had a tough time. But look at yourself and decide who and how to be moving forward.

pinkvelvetsprinkle wrote:

NTA. You deserved the same respect and care that your sister received. Free yourself from this t-xic mess. Your father may never see things differently and he may always be in this mindset. You, however, have all of the opportunity in the world to make sure this doesn’t happen to your sons and to heal from your father’s mistakes.

I’m so sorry you weren’t loved the way you needed to be and I’m so sorry your mother passed. You were a good kid and are an awesome adult! And regardless of what your father thinks- you’re not wrong and not too harsh. Harsh was the way he parented you. Just tell him you learned from the best and move forward with your life.

Tinkerpro wrote:

Unfortunately, you are never going to get your dad to see your point of view. Which is absolutely valid. Stop being available for him. He calls and wants something your response is sorry, I can’t help you with that.

No other explanation necessary. A man isn’t afraid to show emotions, especially to their children. The old adage of raising boys to be tough is why men beat women and are bullies in general. Please get some counseling so you can heal, start paying attention to successful men and watch how they treat not only their family but the people they work with.

CatteNappe wrote:

NTA. Probably long overdue to bring some of that to his attention. If he "needs/wants" something, surely he can get "tough", "man up" and do it himself. Facetiousness aside, would he be amenable to joint counseling do you think?

It might help him, and you and your relationship with him, if he could come to realize and admit that "very harsh" was how he treated, and continues to treat you, and begin to make amends for that.

Igottime23 wrote:

The truth is a hard pill to swallow. Don't back down, your father needs to address the issues he created in the relationship he has with you. He failed you as a father, male children need hugs and love. If you would parent your own child the opposite of your father, he failed. NTA As a the "extra" twin myself I have to ask, how has Wren treated you? Has Wren cared at all how you were neglected as a child and an adult?