'AITA for telling my fiancé that he stole my best friend's proposal idea?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my fiancé that he stole my best friend's proposal idea?"

My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been in a relationship for 2 years and just got engaged last week. The engagement itself was wonderful, but I couldn't help but notice how similar it was to a conversation I had with my best friend (23F) of over a decade, a conversation that happened many years ago, in which she detailed exactly what she would do "if she proposed to me."

It was very specific to my general likes and interests. And I mean, specific! At the time I told her that sounds perfect and hold onto that for later. It's pretty clear to me that he did approach her, and she let him know about this plan.

So, after the day itself, I told my new fiancé that it was cute that he asked her how I wanted to be proposed to, but I joked that he stole her entire, very detailed plan, so it was more her proposal than his. He went quiet, and then got angry, then it all came out.

He said that he always felt second place to my best friend, that I was only marrying him to satisfy my religious family, that I have been lying about my preferences and that I'm probably having an affair with my friend. I was shocked.

He's never expressed this to me before. He's complained in the past that I spend too much time with her, so I accommodated for his needs as best as I could without losing my best friend, but I had no idea he thinks I'm having an affair.

I tried to reassure him but I thought it would be better to leave and told him that we would talk about it later. We haven't been in contact, and though I haven't told my best friend about this, others in my life think that he was completely valid for blowing up and I need to do all I can to fix this relationship. Was I an AH for making that joke?

The internet had alot of comments and questions to add.

Consistent-Leopard71 wrote:

Honestly, I would find it very odd if my "best friend" shared with me, in detail how she would propose to me. How and why does that even come up? That conversation would definitely make me think that there were feelings deeper than friendship.

It's clear that your fiance has some potentially justified insecurities about your relationship with your best friend. You and your fiance need to sit down and have a calm conversation about your relationship. EDIT: I just read OP's comment, where she told her bestie to "hold on to the idea (proposal) so that the bestie could share it with Op's fiance to be. YTA.

kitten1412 wrote:

INFO: So when you asked your best friend to hold onto her proposal idea for later, what were you expecting her to do besides hand it over to your boyfriend? You asked her to give the proposal idea to him, didn't you? When you heard the idea, you were telling her that you wanted her to suggest it to a boyfriend, no? And if not, what did you want her to hold onto it for? What did you expect out of this situation?

OP responded:

Just going to reply with a little more context - when I said "hold onto it for later", I meant that if I were to meet someone and they asked her for advice about how they could propose. At the time, I had not met my fiancé and we were teenagers.

Bulbasaurranch wrote:

YTA. He did something sweet and tried to give you a good experience you would like. He asked your friends to make sure it was a memorable experience, and you threw it in his face.

“It was more her proposal than his”

• What a stupid f-ing thing to say to someone who just proposed to you.

You accused him of “stealing” the idea. That has a negative connotation. It’s a pretty crappy thing to accuse him of.

Don’t make the same mistake with your next boyfriend if they propose too.

No-Mathematician2482 wrote:

YTA. Why would you even say a thing like that? He did exactly what you said was perfect. He wanted it to be nice. It took him planning and effort, and you just said this was my bestie's idea. He told you he felt second place to her, and you need to reflect on your behaviors. Do you want him as your partner or her?

I like chilling with my friends, but we have lunch maybe once a month. My partner gets my attention first and always. Are you even that into him? Do you sit on your phone with her while you are supposed to be spending time with him? I feel like if anyone knew what you said they would think the same thing YTA.

Logical_Read9153 wrote:

YTA. Lets recap here, your fiancé talked to your bestie to find out what would make you happy when he proposed, got the information, and executed the plan. This all makes you upset because...Sorry you will need to finish that sentence because I have no idea what your problem is.

A week later, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: I would like to start by saying thank you to everyone who responded to this post. It put things into better perspective for me. I apologised to my partner, not just for the joke, but for making him feel the way that I did. I keep receiving messages asking for updates, so I just wanted to hop on and clarify a few things that I didn't want to talk about before.

I was asked about my orientation - I identify as as-xual and my partner is straight. We had a great, low-intimacy relationship. I stayed loyal throughout our relationship. We discussed how this was going to work at length when we were first together and often talked about boundaries, so I didn't think this was a big problem. Turns out it was.

Someone found this post and sent it to him. He found it funny enough to show to our mutual friends, but in doing that, he accidentally showed his own account. After some digging, they saw that he had a very different set of views to what I previously thought, and was involved in quite a few incel-ish posts in different communities.

Apparently he had suspicions for a while that I had been lying to him about my preference and I was a lesbian, but he thought I would "change my mind" over time. This came as a total shock to me. A lot of people showed confusion over his behaviour, including me, and now this information has come out, it makes more sense that he was letting go of grievances he had been holding onto for a while.

Needless to say the relationship is done. I gave the ring back and offered to pay for the cost of the proposal, which he declined. I think it's ultimately for the best. And to you, because I'm sure you're going to read this: thank you for everything. I hope that we can both learn and grow from this separately, and I wish you all the best in that.

As for whether I'm going to dramatically elope with my best friend, I doubt it. We're like sisters. She's been happily married to a lovely man for the last three years. We're just close, I guess. Anyway, thank you all again for your (sometimes brutal) honesty in this. All in all, things worked out for the best.

The comments kept coming in.

Helanore wrote:

The update sounds like a cover-up and cop out because she was being ripped apart in the comments.

Top-Industry-7051 wrote:

Generally when people say they were 'loyal' throughout a relationship they mean they were faithful and did not sleep with other people. If you are as-xual and therefore not sleeping with anybody because you don't want to, that's hardly a brag.

OffKira wrote:

Well, that update is BS lol.

First post it's the step before the art room, the second it's "well he's an incel, also I'm ace". Ok...? Why is that at all relevant...? So low effort. Sigh.

dajur1 wrote:

This post has unreliable narrator vibes through and through.

Ahhbisto wrote:

Crazy convenient that the fiance turned out to be an incel after she was roundly shat on for her behaviour.

If you believe that update I have some magic beans you might well be interested in.