'AITA for telling my roommate’s GF it's not her business when I’m coming home?' UPDATED
Roommate tension is both incredibly common and incredibly frustrating.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for feeling tempted to snap at his cousin's GF. He wrote:
"WIBTA for telling my roommate’s GF it shouldn’t be her concern when i’m coming home?"
So I (24M) live with my cousin (23M) and recently he began dating a former coworker of ours (20F) who has her own place. They started officially seeing each other around Valentine’s this year and have literally spent less than 24 consecutive hours apart since. That being said, apart from what feels like the loss of a best friend.
I am very annoyed/frustrated that he is now never home to help with chores, nor to care for our 3 cats, and when he is home, she is now there too. EVERY. TIME. I don’t dislike his gf, even though we shared some less that friendly interactions when working together (whole other story), but I definitely did not sign up to live with her for days at a time.
Although I have never outright expressed this, I have hinted at it a couple of times in jokingly saying that she does not get a vote on trivial matters because she does not live there/pay rent, to which her reply is always “I basically live here because of how much I am over here.”
Today, she texted me asking if I would be back home tonight (I am visiting my parents for a couple of days), and when I said I wasn’t sure and why she was asking she responded “oh just wondering.” WIBTA for replying that it is none of her business when I decide to come and go to MY apartment?
People had a lot of comments and questions for OP.
aemonstareye wrote:
NTA. There is nothing more annoying than watching grown adults behave as though they're joined at the hip. You need to have an honest conversation with your buddy—alone—about both the frequency of her visits and the diminishment of your friendship. He may not hear you until he's out of the honeymoon phase, but it deserves to be said.
And finally: That text would have hit very different had she not built a history of claiming part-ownership over a space that isn't her own. "Keep the peace" is a great principle to ensure that the bigger, louder AH always wins. It's your f***ing apartment. Next time ask her if she plans to still be at your house when you arrive. FFS.
OP responded:
The usual me would have said exactly this and wouldn’t care to be labeled an AHe!! The inly reason I am second guessing is out of respect for my cousin but this is not the first time I have compromised my usual tendencies in efforts to do so.
aemonstareye responded:
A lot of people these days seem to think that meek = respectful and direct = disrespectful. There's nothing discourteous about approaching your cousin calmly and with complete honesty. I would never dream of texting my gf's roommate to ask her to inform me when she plans to come through her own door.
If we needed that info for something important, my gf would—and should—be the one to do it. It's pretty contextually clear that this girl thinks of herself as a third roommate, and that's simply inappropriate.
OP responded:
This was exactly my thoughts! Why is HE not the one asking me? otherwise it leads me to believe that its because she has intentions to use the apartment for something she knows I have established with my cousin as off-limits, such as s*x in the common spaces, or particularly HER friends coming over as her closest friend is not someone that I want to be in my apartment.
StonewallBrigade21 wrote:
"her reply is always “I basically live here because of how much I am over here.”
So she's admitting she should be paying rent?
Why aren't you asking about not having her over so much instead of telling her it's none of her business when you get home? She didn't even seem to care that much; "oh just wondering." And she didn't push it. Or what about your roommate not being around to help out?
OP responded:
Yes I agree, I should be having a sit down with my roommate instead, this just rubbed me the wrong way coming from her and not him.
Flashy_Reputation_97 wrote:
I was I a similar situation my uni roommate, and hearing stuff from my roommates partner instead of her drove me up the wall too. Like why do you think you have any authority here?!
OP responded:
I didn’t think of her response as not caring so much as she didn’t want to reveal why she wants to know to me, maybe even because she knows its a reason I would not approve of in my own house. That may just be my bad though of only expecting the worse.
ConsitutionalHistory wrote:
You need to be more straightforward, require rent from the girl, or seek new living arrangements for yourself.
OP responded:
I am potentially breaking lease for job relocation within a month or two which is why I even paused at bringing this up to them.
LadyJusticeThe wrote:
Perhaps she'll take over your lease. Maybe worth maintaining the relationship.
OP responded:
I like the way you think. I havent brought this up to them but I know they are already considering moving in together at her place so I’m not sure if her lease will be up in time to do so.
After receiving lots of feedback, OP jumped on with a small update/clarification.
Edit: Didn’t expect this much traffic, my apologies.
For clarity:
I have 2/3 cats with me visiting at my parents. His is back home with him and his gf. (1.5) Due to his excessive absence, I have decided to try my best to retain sole custody of the 3rd, shared kitty as I will likely be relocating for work in the coming months.
Yes, I sort of contradicted myself but to clarify, he has not been home for about 70% of the past month, the other 30% he is and she is with him every night he stays at home. However, even when he is home I have had to clean up behind them in the common spaces.
The lease is in both of our names. Split down the middle with our own bedrooms and bathrooms but shared common spaces. (3.5) We have a previously agreed-upon, no s*x rule for common spaces.
I have decided not to respond to her and will be contacting him shortly to find out why she is asking me such things instead of him and why they need to know.
I will post an update when I have more info!
The comments kept rolling in.
RockyMtnHighThere wrote:
What about the cats? You can tell what I really care about.
OP responded:
Haha right there with you! One is mine, one is his, and one we got from his mother’s cat’s litter a couple years ago and never discussed custody so I had been deliberating on whether I would take him or how I would cope with it if he took him since i found out about the relocation.
However after these past few weeks, I will be fighting tooth and nail for him so that I can make sure he’s well taken care of. I feel bad for his cat in this situation the most. He has been so attention deprived these last few weeks when I am not home and i just feel bad if this continues past their “honeymoon phase” which I am hoping it does not!
Striking_Winter_9709 wrote:
Seems like unnecessary drama.
Time to orchestrate a sit down with your cousin without her and establish some boundaries representative of the bills paid and the chores done.
OP responded:
I appreciate your perspective. I know that the sit down with my cousin is imminent but I also may be breaking lease and moving out in about a month for work relocation so I can’t help but think maybe I just avoid all of it all together and suffer through it one more month.
Burgers4breakfast1 wrote:
NTA, but I’m pretty sure she was asking so you didn’t walk in to find them screwing on the couch.
OP responded:
We have a no s*x in the common space agreement so this was one of my thoughts and that further irritates me. She has her own place a couple of minutes away, so they have no reason whatsoever to use our place for being openly intimate.
StAlvis wrote:
"I am very annoyed/frustrated that he is now never home to help with chores"
"I definitely did not sign up to live with her for days at a time."
Well, which is it?
Is he never there? Or are the both of them always there?
OP responded:
He is most of the time off with her as he does not have a license or car and she does, however, they will come to our place and stay for a couple days at a time, during which the most he has done is taken out a bag of trash or two. She is not ALWAYS there but any time he is, she is also.
Icy-Sprinkles536 wrote:
Yes. Unless she's being demanding or mean there's no reason to do this unless it's an ongoing thing. It sounds like you just don't like her. You should address that before anything.
OP responded:
It’s true that we had our problems in the past professionally, however, those were resolved AT work. outside of work I have never had a problem with her until she started acting like she also lives at our apartment just because my cousin and her are inseparable atm.
Hopefully, OP comes back with a more definitive update in coming days, the people need answers on how or if this resolves.