'AITA for telling my niece I won’t go to her birthday until she apologizes?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my niece I won’t go to her birthday until she apologizes?"

I dated my ex Steve for 8 years. We had a rocky start since he had g@mbling problems and I had my own issues but we got through it.

My family loved him. I wanted to get married, but Steve wasn’t into it at my sister’s wedding. I got wasted and asked him why we weren’t married, "He told me he never wanted to get married and if I did I should leave him." I was crushed and the next morning I moved out and we broke up.

Fast forward four months. My 16-year-old niece Isabella planned a Disneyland trip for her birthday. My new boyfriend Alex joked about being her new uncle and Isabella said Steve was her real uncle. She even invited Steve to the trip. I told my family if Steve goes I’m not going. Isabella just rolled her eyes and said "Oh okay" my sister and mom said it’s her birthday and they want her to be happy.

I found out Steve is still in a group chat with my family, Isabella then said her mom is paying for the trip so if I don’t want to come that’s fine. She told Alex he wasn’t invited anyway. My dad says I have the right to skip it but my friends say I should just go for one day and I think I'm valid for how I'm feeling.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Stlhockeygirl wrote:

ESH - Steve's been in her life for over half of it. Of course she cares about him. It's gross that your new boyfriend is pushing "new uncle" on her. She pushed back. You need appropriate boundaries with everyone. Alex needs to know "too soon." Isabella needs to be nice. You need to stop pretending that Steve just doesn't exist.

litegasser wrote:

I’m going to gently disagree. You made him part of your family over the period of time you dated him long enough such that year niece sees him as an uncle. Her relationship with him at this point appears to be independent of your nonexistent relationship with him. The two of you wanted different things.

You’re asking a teenager to change how she feels about someone who she has her own relationship with now because you saw it to end yours. I’m sorry the human condition doesn’t work like that. Maybe if he had a--sed, you were done wrong or something like that, but that doesn’t seem to be what you wrote. You’re kind of an AH, softly but still.

OP responded:

He never mistreated me. If he had my Dad would have went beserk.

[deleted] wrote:

Treading into major YTA territory. You need to stop and think about some things here. Your family made their own connections with your ex. They have their own thoughts and feelings on everything, too. This might be hard to listen to, but sometimes the family we choose can be closer than blood ties.

Just because he is your ex doesn't mean he isn't considered part of the family still by the rest. Your niece is also allowed to have her say on who can attend her party or not. No one can force someone to invite/like people or accept them. Yes, your feelings are also valid, but so are your families.

Toredditorornotwyd wrote:

YTA. Why would she want a rando dude whos been ur bf for less than 4 months on the trip? She’s known Steve for 8 years, at this point they have a relationship independent of you. I’ve been with my husband 8 years, if we divorced he would still be uncle to our nieces & nephews & I would have to deal with that, and same when it comes to his family.

embopbopbopdoowop wrote:

Edit based on comment reply below:

Steve contributed financially to enable the holiday. It is not at all surprising that he’s still invited and OP should have stated that in the post.

YTA for wanting an apology. If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

My original comment for transparency:

N T A

I don’t necessarily blame Isabella, but the rest of the family expecting you to just get over him being invited? They suck. And Steve sucks most of all if he plans to attend knowing it would mean your exclusion.

OP responded:

I mean he helped Isabella's mom with some of the money.

Rilkeanhearth wrote:

YTA. Just skip it, it's valid if you wouldn't wanna go and might just sour the whole trip due to the dynamics.

It's your niece's bday and she'll enjoy it more with folks she wants to be surrounded with.

The next day, OP shared an update.

I took some advice from people and I sat down with my mom, niece, and sister. I told them how I felt about Steve being over then my mom said "were the only family he's got" and I said "that has nothing to do with me or you he can make his own family with his new girlfriend.

My niece said Steve is family, and then I said "not your family" and she started tearing up and Alex chimed in and said "I'm not comfortable with Steve" and my dad said "you're making this hard." Steve came over because my mom had him go shopping for her ,and said "what's going on?"

I said "just because you don't have family doesn't mean you can steal mine" and Alex tried to get in Steve's face and Steve shoved him so hard he flew back. Steve said "sorry Isabella I tried to be a good uncle and person but if I'm not wanted, I'll just go" and Steve left. Now, Isabella is thinking of canceling the whole party.

I went home and I got hounded my mom and dad because they didn't wanna fight in with me in front of Isabella and my friends are saying I was being extremely petty but I told them how I felt. That's the update so far I might not update again.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Direct_Set8770 wrote:

Yeah. Now YTA. Why did Alex have to get in his face? Don't hit a soldier while they're already down. He could of just understood and left but your bf decided to be an AH and you let him be. Being all up in his face was unnecessary. I'll probably get down-voted but it's the truth. I still however do think that you family should be choosing you and not Steve. Family does come first.

Dachhundsmom5 wrote:

Why is the guy you've been dating 5 minutes involved in any of this at all? Who cares what he's comfortable with? He's your rebound. Maybe you're desperate to get married enough to be with Mr. Red Flag, but that's just sad, not an endorsement. There was no good reason for him to be there and start a fight.

Steve was in your family's life for 7 years. That includes your niece. Especially her since she would have been so young when he came around. You don't get to decide their contact with him. If they want him as family, that's their choice. You can choose not to be present, but you're the AH here. A big pathetic one.

Lapeocon wrote:

You don't sound like a real person. Alex has no place to give opinions about family matters. You have been with him for under 4 months (presumably). Steve has been in everyone's lives for 8 years. He is family. You are being absurd.

cgm824 wrote:

Unfortunately while I was with you in your last post this post you made things way worse, you handled this very poorly, Alex never should’ve been there and I guarantee your family will now exclude you from activities and gathering where he is around.

They’ll just go behind your back to do it, you really need to take a hard look in the mirror at your behavior and have an honest sit down with your family, apologize for your behavior and have a serious dialogue with them, and this time don’t bring Alex!

Trifula wrote:

I... what? YTA. How old are you? You were with this guy for 8 years. He got a new family and that doesn't concern you, even if it is your family. Did you also send out a message to all mutual friends "him or me, choose?" Also, your new boyfriend is crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed.

I get why people want to get married, but personally I just don't see any argument for it. You were with him for 8 years whilst knowing that he didn't want to get married. And then you get triggered when he finally spelled it out for you? What changed? What would marriage change?? What the f is going on here?