'AITA for telling my SO we already have 2 babies and can’t care for his grandma as if she’s our 3rd?'
"AITA for telling my husband we already have 2 babies & can’t care for his grandma as if she’s our 3rd?"
My (30F) husband’s (31M) grandma has been in & out of the hospital since Dec w/health complications from back surgery. For context, this isn’t the 1st surgery or injury she’s had in the 8 yrs I’ve been w/my husband, & each time, me, my husband, & my husbands mother have been her care takers (this is NOT my MIL’s mother. My FIL is an alcoholic narcissist who only cares about the $ he will receive when his mother passes).
This particular surgery was a more extensive one than any prior. She had a laminectomy & a fusion. She was only in the hospital for 3 days after this surgery despite not being able to walk or use the bathroom on her own. We tried to convince her to enter a rehab facility as my husband & I both work full time, & have a 1yr old & a 2yr old & can’t dedicate time to being her care takers.
My MIL doesn’t work, but lives about 30mins from my husband’s grandma & often cares for her other son’s child (our nephew). She didn’t listen & instead heavily relied on my husband & MIL to care for her. She would call my husband at all times of the night & ask that he comes to her house because she was scared/in pain. Initially I was understanding but it put a lot of strain on us because our boys don’t sleep through the night consistently.
After about a week she began requesting that MIL stay the night at her house so that she won’t be alone (she wasn’t alone, my husband's sister [19 F] currently lives with her while she attends college to obtain a degree in the medical field). This continued for another few days until we, & her dr were able to convince her to enter a rehab facility. While there, her calls to my husband became more frequent & more dramatic.
This is where my frustration began (this was around mid-Jan). I voiced my frustrations to my husband & he shared my frustrations but felt obligated to go when she would call. Finally he told his grandma that he had a full schedule at this point in life & can’t be her caretaker. She went home after 3 days in the facility (against many nurses & doctors’ recommendations).
My MIL then began staying at her house again. She was in & out of the hospital about 5 times due to her wound not draining effectively, her growing inability to walk, & her pain level. She was just admitted into the hospital again yesterday & after a couple of tests it was determined that she has an infection in her bones. Well about 30 mins ago, she had a nurse call my husband from her cell phone and demand on her behalf that he come to the hospital because she woke up and was very scared.
I became enraged & told him to inform her that I will not visit her in the hospital for this stay, & neither will our children. I told him that we already have 2 babies & she is acting like the 3rd one that we cannot & will not care for right now. He left for the hospital & like clock work, our 1 yr old woke up (teething is a B). So Reddit, am I the ahole?
EDIT:
Thank you all so much for the advice and for sharing your similar stories. I am so sorry that so many people have experienced a similar circumstance. Because so many people have suggested it, we have tried to convince her to hire an in home caregiver and she refuses.
She refuses all help other than help from her family. She’s not ever been a particularly caring woman and I know she would not do this for one of us if we needed it even if she were able. I’ve tried to respond to as many comments as I can but this gained a lot more traction than I anticipated.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AndSoItGoes24 said:
I'm sorry you are so frustrated. But, remember the lady isn't your grandmother. So, focus on the fact that you need more support from your husband., That's a position of strength you can debate from. And no one will criticize you for that. If you complain about his grandmother being needy, your husband may become defensive? Naturally, he wants to be supportive of her because he loves her?
So, just don't make yourself the bad guy. Keep the focus on what isn't getting done around your home with your kids and ask your husband what the plan is to make sure everybody is covered and supported. Going off about what a PITA his grandma is great for venting. Now you need a plan you can live with. OK?
NAH. Just really overwhelmed and frustrated people who need each other's support. I'm sorry you're going through so much. (And I really don't understand why your husband, his sister and his mom can't map out a management plan? If they make plans and stop behaving as though grandma has final say, that might work out better?)
Left-Quality4455 said:
NTA. Grandma clearly needs constant professional care. None of you can medically care for her, so it would be unsafe for her to stay with any of you. You are being very responsible in admitting you can’t meet her needs, because you already have your immediate family to care for on top of keeping a roof over your head with a full time job.
Flashy-Experience-25 said:
NAH. Having been a caretaker there is only so much your husband and MIL can do. The guilt is back breaking at times. My mother was the one calling at all hours etc. I gave her a choice 1) get in home care 2) go to nursing home.
You need to sit your husband down and explain his grandmother will only need more and more. He can keep doing this until he collapses or he can get his grandmother help. You guys need to talk to the medical social worker at the rehab and get advice. The staff is at the rehab to help Grandma. Let them do their job.
aitagirlfriendanddog said:
NTA, I get that your husband must love his grandmother very much. However his priority should be with his kids and then you, in that order. If he cannot do his share of caring of his kids and household chores while taking care of his grandmother then he shouldnt be taking care of his grandmother. Especially if shes leaving against medical advice then its literally her own fault. I get shes scared but still shouldnt be your husband's priority.
Equal-Brilliant2640 said:
Op you need to have a “come to Jesus” talk with your husband. Tell him “while I appreciate you want to be a good grandson. But in your quest to do so, you are failing as a husband and father. I am struggling to raise our kids by myself which is harming your children."
Now if you’re ok with him visiting for a bit, maybe have him tell his grandma he will stop by every Monday and Thursday after work for a few hours to do some cleaning and make supper. He will not be dropping everything and running over every time she calls.
And I hope to hell hes not leaving work for her. That will hurt you financially (unless you’re independently wealthy, and if you are why haven’t you hired a nanny?) and eventually his boss will stop being understanding.
You need to drive the point home that he is failing as a husband and a parent. This is a hill you need to die on, I don’t know if you want to go so far as to give him an ultimatum, but if you go that route, you’d better be damn sure you will kick him out/pack the kids and leave. NTA, but good luck, you’re gonna need it.
BodyBy711 said:
NTA. She has other care options available and is choosing to inconvenience your husband almost exclusively. If your husband is not a doctor, wtf is he supposed to do for her pain? She's "scared" of what exactly? The dark? Boogeyman? Doctors? Dying?