'AITA for telling my stepmom she's not important after refusing to recreate a girly family day with her?'
"AITA for telling my stepmom she's not as important after refusing to recreate a girly family day with her?"
My parents are divorced and share custody of me (17f) and my three younger brothers (16, 14 and 13). My mom has a boyfriend she's been with forever and my dad remarried a year and a half after the divorce. My stepmom was always jealous of the fact we love our mom so much and me and my brothers didn't count her as our second mom or an equal parent to mom and dad.
She's also jealous that we get along so well with our mom's boyfriend even though he only moved in with us a year ago, even though we knew him for 7 years and he was always such a cool guy. My stepmom hates my mom so much for us loving mom that it makes us dislike our stepmom.
We try to stay respectful for dad. But we have told him we have issues with her attitude and she got a little better after he talked to her. We can still see her anger and hatred for mom in how she looks at mom and how she reacts to mom being present. My stepmom came to every single school play and sports game or whatever we did and would always try to be the first to get to us.
She'd try to stop us getting to mom first or she'd try to get seats closer to the front than mom. One time she actually yelled at my youngest brother for running past her to go and see mom after his school play and mom told dad about it and dad told stepmom to never do it again.
And she didn't but again it pissed her off.
My paternal grandma doesn't like my stepmom because every year on Mother's Day since she and dad got married, she calls my grandma and b--ches about my mom to her and how Mother's Day should be about the two of them.
Grandma told me about it last year when I pushed her for why she didn't like her. She told me she felt like my stepmom would have happily seen mom abandon us so she could pick up the pieces and play the hero mom who stepped up role.
In my eyes, my stepmom has always been my dad's wife and not my third or equal parent. If my parents were gone I would rather live with my mom's boyfriend than her even though I lived with her and not with him. I told my grandma that and she wasn't surprised because mom's boyfriend was never intense about trying to bond with us. He took it easy and was just a cool guy.
My grandma gets along with mom stuff and she gets along with granny (maternal grandma) too. So when I won this spa thing for a Mother's Day competition, I asked if the three of them wanted to do something together and they said yes and then the three of them organized a whole day of it since it wasn't actual Mother's Day.
It was great and they did similar stuff with each of my brothers on different days thinking it was a great idea. Then grandma joined us all for Mother's Day stuff on Mother's Day. My stepmom found out about the girly day on Facebook a few weeks ago and she was upset she wasn't included. Apparently she b--ched to grandma about it and blamed my mom.
She then approached me a couple of weeks ago and told me she wanted to do the same thing with her, me, grandma and her mom. I told her I wasn't interested and she told me I have to. That I have two mom's and another grandma I never claim and I need to start treating everyone the same. I told her I only have one mom and two grandmas.
She didn't like that and said she'd make me join and she said she doesn't feel as important when I don't do that stuff with her and how I should make her feel important. I got mad and told her she's not as important, and she has to learn to accept that because she's not my second mom or my third parent and I don't like her attitude or the way she tries to compete with and push mom out.
She got so mad and dad came home as she was yelling. I packed up my stuff and went home to mom and told dad I wasn't coming anymore because I couldn't deal with his wife. She texted me a bunch and I had to block her but basically she was saying I was a cruel and a heartless and a b-lly. AITA?
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the dynamic.
SkylarNguyen wrote:
NTA. It sounds like your stepmom is trying to force a bond that just isn’t there, and you’re allowed to set boundaries. She needs to understand that you don’t owe her the same relationship you have with your mom.
OP responded:
Yeah and she does it in the legit worst way ever. So much force is used and she doesn't see how it backfires.
eve_tpa wrote:
How old is this woman? She sounds exhausting
NTA, you should sit down to talk with both her and your dad present
"I have a mom, and the fact that you try to replace her makes me dislike you"
OP responded:
She's 43 and I think her age made her worse because she and my dad tried to have a baby for so long but she couldn't get pregnant or maybe miscarried.
Babevibes22 wrote:
I mean, who knew family dynamics could rival a soap opera? Next episode: Stepmom vs. Grandma in the Battle of the Spa Day! 🥊💅
OP responded:
You joke about it but I can totally see it happening. A big fight during the girly day she wanted. Especially if grandma really lost her temper. She doesn't lose it easily or often but you can push her into it. I saw it once.
Turbulent_Ebb5669 wrote:
NTA. You can't force relationships and the fact that she doesn't seem to understand that just shows how immature she is.
OP responded:
Not only doesn't she understand that, she also doesn't realize when someone doesn't like her. She never picked up on it from me and my brothers or my grandma.
dutchy_chris wrote:
NTA. Your father's wife is a jealous b--ch with entitlement issues. Lucky your family sees her for who she is. Just keep going with polite "no."
OP responded:
Most of us do anyway. Dad still loves her and sees good in her even when she "missteps occasionally."
BestFun5905 wrote:
NTA. Why would she be included she isn’t your mother… she has no relation to you at all, and isn’t a mother figure in your life.
Ugh she sounds like a headache.
OP responded:
She thinks she is. She claims herself our second mom and mom figure.
AvrilLunarre wrote:
NTA, it sounds like your stepmom has been trying to force a relationship with you that you don’t feel comfortable with. You have every right to set boundaries, especially when it comes to your feelings about your mom.
OP responded:
That's what she does. She's really bad at respecting when a no's a no. Or accepting that she won't always get things to go the way she wants.