'AITA for thinking my brother should dump his girlfriend after what happened on their trip?' UPDATED

"AITA for thinking my brother should dump his girlfriend after what happened on their trip?"

Hi internet, I’m a 21-year-old woman, and this post is about my brother’s girlfriend, Lara (not her real name). She’s 18, and they’ve been together for about eight months. At first, I really liked Lara. She seemed down-to-earth, especially compared to his previous girlfriends, who were kind of odd.

Lara comes from a family with less money than ours. We’re not rich, but we’re comfortable. Lately, I’ve started feeling like she might be using us. A few weeks ago, my brother took her on a trip to Cuba and paid for everything because she didn’t have the money.

She still owes him $800 and hasn’t paid him back yet. She also borrowed my mom’s suitcase for the trip and still hasn’t returned it or even unpacked her things. Before the trip, she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to stay with him because she felt like she hadn’t experienced her young adult life fully—like going out to clubs and partying.

During the trip, my brother told me that guys were constantly giving her attention, and she seemed to enjoy it. He mentioned that she was distant with him at times, but at the same time, they were still taking pictures kissing and acting like a couple.

It’s confusing because I know she wants to break up with him, but she isn’t doing anything about it, and instead, she’s being rude to him. What’s also been bothering me is how she’s acted about money and things. When we first met, I was cleaning out my closet, and she offered to help.

I thought it was just her being kind, but now I feel like she just wanted me to give her clothes. I ended up giving her some really expensive dresses (like $300 each), which I don’t wear anymore because they don’t fit me, but now I regret it. She’s also taken a bunch of expensive things from my mom after my mom and stepdad broke up, like her old bed and kitchen appliances.

I do her lash lifts, and I paid for the supplies, but she never paid me back like she promised. She lives an hour away, and after the Cuba trip, she asked me to come to her house to do her lashes again. I refused because I didn’t want to waste more money on gas, especially when she hasn’t paid me for the supplies.

Recently, she’s been getting more and more rude. She texted me out of the blue saying, “So I need a costume, are you gonna give me one or do I need to get it myself?” I was taken aback. Why should I be responsible for her costume? When I asked if she had any idea what she wanted to be, she just said, “idk.”

She was also mad at me for doing the Halloween decorations without her because she wanted to help, but I did it on a Saturday night around 9 PM, so I didn’t think it was relevant for her to come over and help. She wants to go clubbing for Halloween, but honestly, I’m not in the mood to party, and I have a lot of homework.

My brother wants me to go so we can hang out with some friends, but now he wants to go to the club to “check on her” and see if she’s going to cheat because he thinks she might have already cheated on him. I also forgot to add that during their vacation, a few things happened that made me feel uneasy about her.

For example, she spent an hour on the phone with her mom, causing them to miss a reservation my brother had made. While they were there, they made some friends, and she always wanted to hang out with them instead of spending time alone with my brother. When they got back, my brother caught the flu, and I was shocked by how she treated him.

He was really sick, throwing up and having stomach issues, and she seemed annoyed by it. Even when he was struggling in the bathroom, she just sat there on her phone, completely ignoring him. On the flight home, he was so sick that he threw up on a lady while rushing to the bathroom, and she didn’t even try to comfort him or help clean up.

Now, I don’t know what to do. I feel like she’s using us, but it doesn’t completely feel like her. I’m also conflicted because she told me things in private, and I’m unsure if I should tell my brother, even though he kind of already knows and has a gut feeling. So, AITA for wanting him to break up with her?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

allsilentqs wrote:

You are too involved in the dynamics of this relationship. Stay out of it but be there to support your brother when the break up happens. He needs to make the decision to not be with someone who doesn’t value him. Also, you and your mom gave her those things that were being cleaned out. They aren’t yours to get back because you don’t like someone. They belong to her now.

But sounds like she’s trying to get him to break up - some people aren’t good at taking the decisive step and just are mean until the other person cracks. Seen it several times over the years. If he puts up with it, that’s confusing but there are probably reasons.

OP responded:

I understand where she might be coming from because I was in a similar place when I was 18. Where I live, you can legally drink and go to clubs at 18, and at that age, I was in a three-year relationship. I went through a phase of wanting to go out, party, and just live life to the fullest, so I know what she feels like. I’m still young, but I’ve moved past that stage now that I’m 21.

The thing is, I also know how much it hurts the other person in the relationship when one partner is feeling that way. It’s hard to see my brother in this situation because I know how tough it can be on both sides, and I want to protect him. But you’re right that he needs to make his own choices, and I’ll focus on being there for him no matter what happens.

SnooWords4839 wrote:

Tell her to return the suitcase and stop doing her any favors.

Your brother doesn't trust her, he should break up.

OPhy96 wrote:

NTA. It sounds like he's starting to realize that on his own. You're totally allowed to have your opinion on her (which I totally agree with because she sounds like bad news bears), but you just unfortunately can't force your brother's decision. That doesn't mean you can't enlighten him to some of this.

Good looking out for your fam.

Nothing I say is advice.

Sending good vibes. ✨️

ParkerGroove wrote:

She does sound like she’s using you, though it might have started out as genuine. Pointing out to your brother might backfire. Maybe casually mention how surprised you were that she didn’t help him when I’ll, or that he should remind her about the suitcase because it’s not good manners to keep something that long. NTA.

OP responded:

I know she’s really kind and a nice person in general, and I don’t think she started out wanting to use us. I was genuinely happy to help her in the beginning. But lately, she just seems off, and it feels like she’s not interested in being with him anymore. I don’t want to assume the worst about her or think badly of her, but these situations are making me question things.

LabAdministrative530 wrote:

How old is your brother?? If he’s 21+ why is he wasting his time dating an 18yr old that seems selfish & immature. Talk to your brother. I hope he’s not with her because she’s young and “hott”. She’s using him and the entire family.

OP responded:

My brother is 19, so they’re close in age. He didn’t start dating her when she was a minor, they’ve been together for about eight months. As for how he got the money for the trip, he saved up from his job this summer and he’s talking a year off before starting college again. We’re not crazy wealthy, but our family is financially comfortable, which is why I described it that way.

I didn’t mean to leave out his age to be sneaky. It genuinely slipped my mind while writing, and I appreciate the chance to clarify. There’s definitely no “sugar daddy” situation here, and my concerns are more about the way things have been adding up lately, not about their age difference or anything like that.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

*** I don’t really know if it’s the way to do it but I tried!! ***

Hey guys, I wanted to do a little update and also share more about the past so you can understand where I’m coming from.

First, thank you for all your comments. You guys think I’m NTA, which is reassuring, but I still kind of feel like one. I’ve been trying to respond to everyone, but there were a lot of questions about my brother’s age. He’s 19, not 21, and he’s definitely not a predator don’t worry. Part of why I’m so invested in this situation is because I can relate to his girlfriend.

When I was 18, the legal drinking age here allowed me to experience a phase of partying and living my life to the fullest. Back then, I was in a three year relationship, and we went through the pandemic together. I wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore, so I broke up with him and lived my life. I just wanna say that it wasn’t an easy decision.

We actually got back together after a year and a half, of being single, which is kind of crazy, but it felt like a fresh start. The point is, when I saw her and how she acted, I saw a bit of myself in her. I brought up my own experiences to her because I knew how lonely it could feel when you’re unsure about what you want, and no one around you seems to understand.

I thought it might help her feel like she could trust me, but now I feel stuck in the middle and I don’t know if I regret what I did. This week, my brother confronted her about the way she responded to me through text, telling her it hurt him and that he didn’t accept her talking to his family like that.

She got upset and felt like we were all ganging up on her, so she decided not to stay the night and went back to her house. My brother was mad and called me. He was telling me that he wanted to break up, but since she owned him money and he wanted his money back.

That’s when I told him what she had confessed to me, and I felt awful because I had promised her I wouldn’t say anything. I initiated that conversation, so I felt like the fallout was all my fault. But this morning, my brother called me before work and said she texted him, asking for a break. He was furious and told me he planned to get all his things from her place and end it.

She’s going out to a big city with her sister next weekend and he thinks she wants to use that time to meet other guys, and he made it clear that if that’s what she wants, he’s done. She said that wasn’t her intention and that she just needed some time, but he wasn’t buying it. Now I feel even worse because I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t shared my experience with her, maybe this wouldn’t be happening.

But then again, I keep telling myself it would’ve come up eventually. Some of you were asking why I’m so invested, and here’s some background. My brother is a kind and gentle person, but the problem is that people often see his kindness as a weakness, just like my stepdad did, and they take advantage of it.

My stepdad was psychologically ab-sive toward my brother, constantly calling him names and mistreating him. I didn’t include this in my original post because it’s something that still hurts me deeply. At the time, I wasn’t living with them because I chose to stay with my dad to avoid dealing with my stepdad’s behavior.

My stepdad couldn’t manipulate me, and I didn’t let him get under my skin. I was the only one who would stand up to him, and things got really heated after my mom finally broke up with him. One night, things got so bad that my brother showed up at my dad’s place with all his belongings because my stepdad had almost physically assaulted him.

Thankfully, my brother got out before things escalated. My mom didn’t fully know what was happening because she was also dealing with her own abuse from my stepdad. But that night, she realized it was enough and ended the relationship. Afterward, my brother moved in with me and my dad.

Later, when my mom sold the old house and bought her current one, she and my brother moved in together. They’re both doing better now, but they’re still in therapy because they went through a lot. After he told me everything that happened, I felt so guilty for not being there to protect him. It still feels like I failed in my role as a big sister and a daughter.

Growing up, I always felt responsible for protecting my brother. When our parents got divorced, I tried to keep him occupied whenever they were fighting so he wouldn’t hear the arguments. I heard everything, but I wanted to make the divorce as smooth as possible for him. That experience left me feeling like it was my responsibility to shield him from anything painful or traumatic.

It might seem like I’m too involved, but with his previous girlfriend, I was hesitant and distant, and I know that hurt him. So, this time, I made more of an effort to be present and not let my doubts keep me from trying to support his relationship. I didn’t want to come off as harsh or unwelcoming to someone he cares about. But now, I feel stuck in between. I haven’t talked to her since their fight.

I don’t want her to think I’m mad at her, but I also don’t want to upset my brother if he finds out I’m still in touch with her. I’m not sure if she even wants to talk to me anymore. It feels like she was trying to distance herself, and maybe I just didn’t catch onto that. I’m mad at myself because I finally tried to be present and supportive, but I feel like I ended up making things worse. I don’t know what to do now.

My brother’s reaction to all of this has been to focus on himself. He’s mad and wants to move on and just focus on getting back in shape and living his life. I don’t know how to feel about his reaction it seems like he’s trying to brush it off, but I know it’s hard on his ego, and he’s hurting. I don’t know if it’s the update that you guys wanted but it’s all I know for now.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Whitlk wrote:

Why are you beating yourself up about this? Your brother’s girlfriend is an immature AH. She does want to play the field. Your brother is handling this in a healthy way by focusing on himself. Good for him. Hopefully, you got your mom’s suitcase back and anything else she “borrowed."

SummerOracle wrote:

I think the best thing you can do for your brother, as well as yourself, is to stop trying to take responsibility for the situation or his feelings. Respect your brother’s choice to move on, validate his feelings without blaming yourself for them, and support him in the ways he communicates he needs. Right now, that may just be encouraging his new goals and self-interests.

Vivzx10001 wrote:

Who tf doesn’t tell their brother that his girlfriend wants to dump him? You don’t owe the girlfriend secrecy. You’re so invested in your brother’s wellbeing but couldn’t tell him something as serious as that? You’ve been complaining about her using you, while still giving her stuff and maintaining a friendship with her.

Simple-Plankton4436 wrote:

YTA for not telling your brother what she told you. You owe nothing to her but everything to your brother.