'AITA for throwing my husband and my son out a few days before Christmas?' UPDATED
"AITA for throwing my husband and my son out a few days before christmas?"
Husband (41) and I (38f) have two children. Our daughter Rachel (15) and our son Tim (13). Since forever I am begging my husband to do more around the house but he continues to be a lazy man child.
He does the bare minimum when I force him and that’s it. And our son is learning from him. Not doing his chores, not cleaning up his messes and expecting his sister to cater him. Hubby is enabling him and secretly overrules me when I punish Tim. We had more than one argument because of their laziness.
Yesterday I was shopping with Rachel and we met a friend from work and her boyfriend. So I called my husband and asked him and Tim to clean the house asap because I will bring guests.
When we arrived home nearly two hours later the house was a mess. I never felt so embarrassed in my life. My friend smiled and downplayed it as normal but I was able to see the looks she exchanged with her bf. We chatted for 20 minutes after I cleaned the living room a bit and then they left.
I finally had enough. I told both hubby and Tim to get the f out of my house and don’t come back until they learn to respect me and be helpful around the house. We had a bad argument and in the end they gave up and left.
My son has called me since from the motel where he and hubby are staying and begged me to let him back in. I told him he can ask me in 2024 again and I might consider it. They are banned for christmas (family will gather in my house this year) and New Year’s Eve. Tim will then return, hubby I am not sure yet.
My mom and my sister are against this. They think I am way to harsh, especially to Tim. But I think he needs are serious wake up call and this will be it. And I don’t give an f about hubby at this point. AITA?
EDIT: the text says clearly Tim WILL return home!!!! This is just a wake up call for him. Maybe he can even return for christmas if he promises to do his chores conscientious from now on.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
SnooKiwis2255 said:
My parental units divorced after I was out of high school, because he wasn't doing any housework. I remember me not doing chores before they got home because I had to get ready for an after school event and do homework and they got into me.
So I started doing my chores but yelled at them about how he never did any chores or help around the house. He said "I go to work and make money" and I said "she makes more than you!"... I think that was her moment of realization...
DangerousAd1986 said:
NTA Let your son come home under the conditions you line out for him. Your husband can kick rocks. All the YTA comments are missing the fact that your son is with his dad, so it’s not illegal.
Also, they all seem to miss the point that your husband undermines your authority. You can’t teach your son to be a decent person and clean up after themselves when you have someone telling him he doesn’t have to do anything.
Or telling them they’re not grounded. If your son refuses to follow the rules he can stay with his dad. I’ve been in your situation. I know how it feels.
Egal89 said:
NTA - I get why you are done with talking after trying so hard and now you have to take consequences. If you also run out of love for your husband, I wouldn’t wonder about it. No one wants intimacy with someone you have to „mother“. You are just describing what women all over the world are fed up with.
Spiritual-Fox-2141 said:
I once went on strike for TWO WEEKS because my husband and children would not pitch in and help. The strategy worked, I tell you. That was about 25 years ago. Stick to your guns, people. You can do this!
Vegetable-Cod-2340 said:
NTA. I could understand how people are hesitant because you told your son to go too, but you didn't throw him out on the street by himself, he went with his father. If Tim doesn't like living in a pigsty, I guess he needs to learn to pitch in and help.
The sad fact is Tim needs to also learn that he doesn't get to sit around while the women in his life cater to him.
Good on OP, your spouse is teaching your children all the wrong things, it time you let your daughter and son know that marriage is a partnership and no one gets sit it out no matter what their gender.
Jealous_Singer4670 said:
Nta but still treating hubby as his guardian: you punished him until he learned his lesson. That's not what I'd need from my partner. Plus that's not what I'd need my son understand that a partnership is like.
With the kid maybe that's a good shock to be used as an opportunity to have a discussion...I 'd say sth like "I'm sorry I kicked you out of YOUR house. I never want to do that again. That's why I need you to start treating it as YOUR house too, and me and your sister as people you love and respect."
HentaAiThroaway said:
Definitly YTA lmao, and its wild that so many comments here actually think you arent. If what you said about your husband is really the complete and honest full truth then fine, he deserved it.
But kicking out your 13 year old son is just absolutely wild behaviour. You might easily have permanently damaged your relationship with him. And all that because they didnt clean the whole house up on short notice. Lmfao.
kotran1989 said:
YTA. I know I'm gonna get downvoted. Go for it. Look, a mess is a mess, I get it, I fight with my SO and kid constantly because of order in the house. Wanna kick your husband out? He is a grown man capable of making arrangements for himself. But your absolute duty as a parent is to provide shelter for your kid, which is a basic need.
Even if you kicked both of them together, that kid knows that being messy and not picking after himself is enough reason for his mother to remove him from the home like he committed a crime. Your response is incredibly disproportionate for the fault committed, now that kid can't trust you to be his shelter.
Talk to someone, anyone fo your loved ones, tell them exactly what you told us here, how are you gonna justify kicking your son out, and banning him from Christmas because he is a slob. There is gotta be some missing info here.
UPDATE:
My son called me again. I explained the situation and what I expect from him. He agreed to sign a paper where all his chores will be listed. He also agreed to help his sister with all her chores until New Year’s Eve. I will pick him up tomorrow. Didn’t talk with my husband.
I picked my son up from the hotel in the early morning (he couldn’t wait lol). I apologized for throwing him out but explained my reasoning to him. He signed the paper and promised to do better from now on. I am happy to have him back.
Hubby tried to talk to me when I picked him up but I didn’t listen. As for him, he can stay away for a while and I will have the time to think about our relationship.