'AITA turning away my sister at the door after she drove across the country to see me?'
"AITA turning away my sister at the door after she drove across the country to see me?"
I (28F) have always been incredibly close with my sister (30F) who we'll call Sam. Since we've been kids we always hung out together, shared friends groups/hobbies/interests and genuinely liked being around each other.
However, she recently got a new gf (29F), Trisha, and our dynamic has changed. I don't care for Trisha at all. She's not really rude or unpleasant, but I just don't vibe with her and think she's a bit annoying.
I've expressed this to Sam which resulted in one of our biggest arguments to date. I understand that my opinion doesn't matter in their relationship, but I just don't enjoy being around Trisha, so Sam and I have seen each other less and less, and have been getting into more and more arguments.
I recently moved halfway across the country for my job and Sam asked if she can come and visit. I excitedly said yes, as I wanted to show her all the new hiking spots by me and I genuinely wanted to have Sister Time again. However, she then asked if Trisha could come along as well.
I don't really have the space or means of hosting at my new place, and despite Sam saying they would happily sleep on the floor or the couch, I just really didn't want to be "On" while she was around. I told my sister I really just wanted it to be her and I hanging out and exploring this side of the country, and thus began another argument.
Eventually I told her "either come alone or don't come at all" which I half assumed would put an end to the visitation plans, but later she agreed she would come alone. Fast forward to when she was planning on visiting, I'm getting excited and have a whole plan for the week mapped out.
Sam texts me when she leaves her place and since I know it's a 15 hour drive (yes, she chose to take it straight through) she would be arriving at my place around 10 pm. 10 pm rolls around and she knocks at my door, and I open it up to both Sam and Trisha.
I didn't even know what to say or do, I was so shocked. Both of them looked happy to see me, but I just couldn't understand what happened. Eventually, the anger and embarrassment caught up with me and I refused to let them in. Things got a little heated and frustrating and it resulted in me telling them angrily to find a motel somewhere or drive home.
They both chose to get a motel, after many curse words and yelling, which is where they are right now. My family is furious with me for making them look for a motel so late at night, even though it's a pretty highly populated area with many options around. I'm quite embarrassed and worked up over the whole thing, but don't think I made the wrong move considering I set my boundaries pretty clearly earlier?
I feel like I mightve overreacted, as I genuinely don't think Sam or Trisha will ever speak to me again. I just can't believe my entire relationship with my sister has come to such a screeching halt over a gf she's had for just over a year. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Discount_Mithral said:
NTA for setting boundaries and sticking to them. Your sister tried to pull a fast one on you and is now paying the price of a hotel room for it. Ultimately, however, you will need to decide if losing your sister is worth it.
This relationship may or may not last, but the hurt you just caused will be something she remembers for a long time. If you want her in your life, you need to have a one on one with her and let her know how you felt when she lied about coming alone, and also springing someone she knows you're not fond of on you and into your personal space.
mvanpeur said:
NTA on the situation. Your sister shouldn't have lied about bringing Trisha. But you need to ultimately decide whether tolerating Trisha is worth it to see Sam. And it's only been a year. You might find you get along with Trish better the longer you know her.
My sister did not like my now husband when she met him. Honestly, we were probably married a few years before she did like him, and even 10 years into our marriage, he still does a lot of things that rub her wrong. But, she decided upfront that she loved me more than she disliked him.
So she tolerated him. Then she got to know him and found activities they could both enjoy. And now she mostly likes him, and even spent 5 weeks with my family this year. But it took a lot of intentionality on her part to decide to learn to tolerate and eventually like my husband.
And to be fair, there are plenty of things I dislike about her husband. But he's a great husband for her, and that's all that matters. So while he very often rubs me the wrong way, I play board games with him, watch movies with him, ect. Because he's my brother in law, and he matters to my sister.
JeepersCreepers74 said:
Ugh, I feel I am going to get downvoted by the "but your boundaries" crowd, but here we go... ESH. Sam absolutely should not have surprised you by showing up at your door with Trish. She set up a situation rife for drama and embarrassment for both you and Trish. She's an AH.
That said, I really think refusing a family member entry to your home and making them get a hotel in the middle of the night should be reserved for relationships with a lot of history and drama--in other words, something more than being "a bit annoying."
I also think it's a bit selfish of you to demand your sister travel cross-country to see you but not be allowed to bring her girlfriend. You're essentially saying "use your limited time and money and PTO only for me" when it's reasonable and even expected that these things would also be shared with the person's significant other.
Bottom line... you admit that Trish is "not really rude or unpleasant," and yet, you were exactly that to Trish and Sam.
serdasus101 said:
You don't even have a reason for not liking her. And now you have life with boundaries and no sister. What an accomplishment(!). I hope she will never talk to you again.
You don't understand why your sister came with her gf it is because normal people don't understand how low bad people can go. You are in a deep hole where everyone who loves you will leave you and you will be surrounded with people like you eventually. YTA.
legolaswashot said:
ESH. Yes your sister pushed your boundaries and created an unpleasant situation for all of you by lying to you. However I find it hard to believe you're going this far based on just not liking Trish's vibes. That's ridiculous.
fjridoek said:
YTA - you have no reason for disliking this person "Vibes" are BS.