Trust shattered after husband hides ex’s identity as frequent customer at restaurant he owns with his wife. AITA?
"AITA for being upset after my husband dropped a bombshell secret about a regular at our business?"
So my husband and I have been together for 7 years now with a five year old son together, we own a few restaurants and our relationship is really mostly wonderful. When we were first dating in 2017/2018, we broke up after maybe five months in and he got with a random girl for a week two before he ended things with her and reached out to me to reconcile, the rest is history.
Well there’s this very strange, and I mean, extremely odd and creepy girl who’s been a regular at one of our restaurants for a few years now. She always comes in and sits at the bar alone. She’ll stay all day sometimes. I don’t know much about her but she’s just one of those regulars everyone knows a little about and everyone has off the wall theories about.
The other day, my husband and I were out on a date, somehow that weird little break we took came up for the first time in years… it immediately went to me asking if he ever sees that girl he dated during that break around town, I don’t know her name or what she looks like, I’ve never pried and it’s never been much of a thing, I dated when we broke up too and don’t care much to share about that person either.
But he instantly turned kind of green and made like an anguished noise before telling me that that strange girl who’s always at the bar, IS the girl. He swears they literally never acknowledge each other, that he pretends he doesn’t know her, he has no idea why she comes into all the time, but never wanted to tell me because he thought I’d freak out.
I’m obviously shocked, it’s kind of thrown a wrench in my trust in him even though I do believe there’s nothing going on… the fact that he couldn’t just communicate with me and now that he’s saying me having feelings about it and being kind of upset is the exact reason he never told me, is really insulting and hurts.
He literally said “this is what telling the truth gets you” and got mad at me when I said I was struggling to stomach it today (he told me about it yesterday- I did mostly brush past it, but I can’t stop thinking about it now…
I have to add that my father is an employee for us at the restaurant she comes into, and has become friends with her.. so this woman regularly goes to my parent’s house… and neither her nor my husband told anyone about their weird brief history until now.
I feel weird because I know my husband isn’t a cheater, I am not threatened by this woman, but I feel like my husband has no empathy or respect for me right now with how he’s reacting to this. I just want a “I really messed up you deserve to be mad”….
But instead he’s blaming me and my reaction for this fallout, he doesn’t seem to even think he did anything wrong, and now I’m not sure I can trust his word going forward, especially because of his reaction when I didn’t just say “oh ok you’re forgiven.” Am I wrong to be upset about this at all?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
This woman is going to your parents HOUSE?? NOOOOOOO!
And maybe talk to your mom first in private; if dad works at the place and befriended her, maybe mom can simply tell her hubby “I don’t want her around our home unless we get answers.” I’m SURE if your folks care about you then in this case to change their relationship w her is a reasonable request at the very least.
NTA. Honestly to me, it’s odd he didn’t tell you. If she only came in once or twice, that would be different, but she’s made friends with your father and goes to YOUR PARENTS house?? It really seems like this girl is inserting herself into your world. You have a right to feel blindsided and uncomfortable. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but that’s just really strange behavior all the way around.
NTA. He hid his ex’s identity, she’s a creepy regular at your place, and your dad’s friend with her. That’s a mess. He’s blaming your for being upset? Huge red flag. He needs to own his mistake and apologize, not gaslight you.
She’s friends with your parents?! Tell them immediately about the connection! That’s some, single white female nonsense. NTA.
Alright, let’s get something straight — you’re not crazy for feeling upset. In fact, I’d be more concerned if you weren’t bothered by this. You’ve been married for years, built a life together, have a child, and run businesses — and your husband thought it was totally fine to just… never mention that the town’s weirdest barfly is his ex-fling? Really?
This isn’t about jealousy. This isn’t about insecurity. This is about respect and basic emotional maturity — both of which your husband is apparently unfamiliar with.
He had years — literal years — to tell you this in a calm, normal, adult way. Preferably before your dad became buddy-buddy with her and before she started haunting your restaurant like some awkward ghost from the past. But instead, he opted for the “bury it and hope she disappears” strategy.
And now that you dare to have a completely reasonable emotional reaction, he’s turning it around on you? That’s not honesty — that’s damage control. Worse — that’s selfish. The phrase “this is what telling the truth gets you” is peak manipulative deflection.
Translation: “Look what you made me do.” That’s not accountability — that’s immaturity. You’re right to want acknowledgement. You’re right to want empathy. And frankly, you’re being far more graceful about this than most people would be.
Here’s the truth: mistakes happen, awkward pasts happen, but what separates a good partner from a selfish one is how they handle their mistakes. And right now, your husband isn’t handling this like a man — he’s handling it like a teenager who got caught sneaking out and wants to blame his parents.
Stand your ground. You don’t need to yell or lose your cool — but you absolutely do deserve a real explanation and apology. Not some guilt-trippy cop-out. Not “well, I didn’t tell you because you would get mad.” He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to deal with the consequences of being honest. That’s on him.