Woman tries to convince adopted SIL to meet her birth parents. 'AITA for saying no?'
"AITA for walking away from my SIL when she mentioned adoption again?"
My SIL who is my husband's younger sister and I are both adopted. SIL was adopted as an infant. I was adopted through foster care at the age of 7 officially but I found my family at the age of 6. SIL brought up us both being adopted before and asked questions that I didn't mind answering.
She hadn't realized I was adopted through foster care and for a little while she didn't think we could talk things through because we came from very different adoption stories.
A couple of years ago SIL, MIL and FIL reached out to her birth family and made contact. Then they started to speak about the unfairness the adoption severed all legal ties to her birth family and from there the three held this view that SIL should have always been in the family but adoption was not the right thing to do, at least not adoption as in the US standard of adoption.
Once this realization was made SIL decided she needed to help open my eyes. My husband told her to leave me out of it and I would never feel different about my adoption. SIL didn't like that and she went behind my husband's back so we could "talk it out." I told her she would never change my mind and I would always be glad I was adopted.
I told her my only wish is to forget everything to do with my birth family. She told me I lost all connection to them. I told her that was good and I wanted no connection to those people. She told me I should be glad I know who I really am. I told her being "sh$tstain" is not who I am.
For people who will wonder, that is what I was called for the first five years of my life while I was with birth relatives (and this includes my birth mother). I told her knowing them does not mean I know who I am. I didn't even know my old legal name until I went into foster care.
We took a time out from her for a while but it meant missing out on family functions on his side so we decided we would have minimal contact. My husband steps in when he's there to. But during a family wedding SIL took a moment I was alone to approach me and she started to bring up adoption so I walked away without saying a word. I ignored her and acted like she was not there.
This bothered her a lot. MIL and FIL told her she should maybe let up and leave me be. But she has really come after my husband saying I was rude and had no right to walk away from her like that.
A couple of extended family members (two old aunts of my husband's) said SIL was complaining so much that it spoiled the wedding and I should have handled the incident better. My husband said I did nothing wrong. But I hate the added drama from it. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ptprn11 said:
NTA, and she is exhibiting the classic signs of being insecure with her decision so she is trying to get validation of her decision by making other people make the same decision around her, so she thinks this will make it more valid when she decided. I would communicate with her as follows, tell her look I’ve got a problem and she says yeah what?
Say yeah I tried to communicate with you but you just don’t listen, so what does it take to get you to listen? Does it take yelling walking away ignoring you or rating you being rude? What does it take? I’m happy to do whatever it takes so let me know and then we’ll go to the next step from there. If you just wanna end this now, then great, I’m ready to end it as well.
Tella_Fone said:
NTA Your sister in law is like a dog with a bone. She's been told by you, your husband and her parents she needs to stop trying to engage you in this discussion. You were at a wedding, you were there to celebrate the marriage of a family member. If she was offended you refused to have this discussion, again, and walked away, oh well, it's not your problem.
Ok_Consideration1284 said:
NTA I’m all for open adoption when the situation calls for it, such as a teenager giving up her baby, that kind of thing. You were removed from your biological parents, and it sounds like for very good reasons. You should not have to be in contact with your ab^%ers just to make your SIL happy.
atealein said:
NTA, SIL was complaining so much it ruined the wedding but it is YOU that should have handled this better??! WTF, OP. What are those relatives drinking?
Deucalion666 said:
NTA you handled the incident perfectly, your SIL needs to shut her trap and leave you alone. Keep walking away from her, no matter what she’s trying to talk about. She isn’t worth the loss of brain cells.
LeamhAish said:
NTA. This is obsessive and intrusive badgering. What could you have done other than walk away? Scream at her? Text her? Sit down and write her a heartfelt letter? Seriously, how many times can you tell this person to back the fuck off before they will listen?