'AITA for wanting to break up with my husband after he called our autistic son a burden?'

"AITAH for wanting to break up with my husband after he called our autistic son a burden and said he wants to give him up for adoption?"

I (30F) have been married to my husband (32M) for five years. We've had our share of problems like any couple, but this one’s really shaken me to my core. We have a son (5M) who was diagnosed with autism about two years ago. Of course, it hasn't been easy, but I love him with all my heart. He's sweet, and despite the challenges, I could never imagine life without him.

Lately, my husband has been acting different. He’s more distant, like he’s checked out emotionally. I chalked it up to stress from work or maybe just that we're both overwhelmed trying to balance everything. But then I overheard something that I can't unhear. He was talking to a couple of his friends, and they were discussing kids, parenting, etc.

One of his friends made some off-hand comment about how hard parenting is, and that’s when my husband just...let loose. He started saying how our son is "too much to handle" and that he feels like "he’s a burden." He even mentioned that sometimes he wishes we could give him up for adoption, like WHAT?! I couldn’t believe it.

At first I thought maybe he was just frustrated and saying things out of anger or stress, but he kept going. He wasn’t just venting. He said he missed the freedom we had before becoming parents and that he thinks it would be "better for everyone" if we weren’t stuck with this life. I was absolutely crushed. How could he talk about our son like that? I would NEVER give up on him, not for anything.

He’s not a burden—he’s a beautiful boy who just needs more understanding and patience. Hearing my husband say those things about him just shattered me inside. When I confronted him, he brushed it off, saying I was overreacting and that he didn’t really mean it, that he was just blowing off steam with his friends.

But how can I not take that seriously? He’s literally talking about abandoning our son! He didn’t apologize. He said he’s just overwhelmed and feels like our son’s autism is taking over our lives and that he doesn't know how much more he can take. But instead of working through it together, he's talking about running away from the problem.

Now I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t stay with someone who sees our child as a burden. But I also feel so torn because we’re married, and I thought we’d always have each other’s backs, especially when it comes to raising our child. But if he’s really feeling like this, how can I trust him to be there for our son and me in the long run?

I don’t want to break up our family, but I also can’t stay with someone who could even think about giving up our child. I love my son more than anything, and I will never allow that. So, AITAH for wanting to leave my husband after this? Should I be trying harder to work this out or is it too far gone?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Upbeat-Bid-1602 wrote:

This is out of the internet's pay grade. You guys need professional help. I'm not defending anything your husband said, but it sounds like he's overwhelmed and needs help working through that. You accuse him of wanting to run away from the problem, but is he taking concrete steps to try to put up your son for adoption?

Is he talking about divorcing you because he doesn't want to raise your son? He has the right to express that he feels like he's breaking under the responsibility of raising a special needs child.

It sounds like he expressed that in an ugly way, but it pushes many parents to the brink, and you are the one who immediately jumped to divorce. Do you think going through a divorce would be better for your son?

DaZMan44 wrote:

Fact - Children ARE a burden regardless of abilities. Some will require much more attention and sacrifice than others. Children are already a handful. So it's normal your husband is feeling overwhelmed because, by your own admission, your son does need more understanding and patience.

Your husband is allowed his feelings, and we can't always control the way we feel about things. Just because he feels a certain way doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your son. Going to therapy is exactly that. Speaking out your mind free of judgment, venting, and finding a way to deal with your emotions in a healthy way.

You both need couples' therapy and a reliable child care provider to help manage the extra responsibilities that come with your son. Instead of judging your husband because he feels a certain way and doesn't mirror your own feelings or way of thinking, try to understand where he's coming from and help each other navigate the situation. NAH. You both just need help.

PeachyFairyDragon wrote:

Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Take advantage of babysitters and respite care. Remember you are more than just a pair of parents and act that way. With the emotional pressure cooker cooled down he likely will re-engage with your son.

sionnachglic wrote:

NAH. I'm an educator. Your husband's feelings are VERY common among the parents I know with autistic children or other special needs. I've heard moms say the same, so this is not some gender thing. My heart breaks for them.

They feel so lost, so overwhelmed. Self-pity is present at times. Are you aware their are parent coaches and specialized therapists who work solely with parents going through this? It IS a burden. The first step is accepting that truth.

This is your new reality, and it is going to make your life look very different from the lives of parents with neurotypical children. Any time humans become parents their lives radically change. I'd say it's pretty damn normal to mourn your former life even when your child is neurotypical. I don't know a single parent among my peers who has not confessed to me at one point or another, "I wish I never had my kids."

They do not mean they do not love their children. They just mean it's hard. The sacrifices that need to be made can be significant. I mean, head on over to r/regretfulparents and you'll find many posts from autistic parents who feel as your husband does, as well as posts from parents with neurotypical kids.

Some parents also struggle with the worry. They love their children so much that wishing to have never had them is generated from a place of sustained stress. An example explains this best: a male friend became a parent 8 years ago. When his son was 5, he asked his own father if it ever gets easier, meaning does the constant worry about your child ever go away?

His father flat out told him, "No. You never stop worrying about your kids. You're 45, and I still worry about you constantly." That is parenting. That is what you sign up for, and it's until you die. Even parents I know whose children have passed away still worry about them. Where are they? Are they okay? It is an awful experience for them, like some purgatory.

People don't talk about this openly nearly enough because they fear people with your opinion will judge them for it. So they eat it. Then it festers and grows into a monster inside them called resentment. And nothing k-lls a committed relationship faster than allowing resentment to seep into it. I have seen many parents divorce. The more religious or spiritual they are, the less likely that happens.

They view it as a challenge from God. God would not have given them these children if they were not capable of weathering this hardship. Their faith really seems to give them strength to endure it. Your husband is clearly struggling, however, I also understand how hearing what he said makes you question his commitment. That's serious. You feel unsafe.

You feel the relationship is not secure. If he'd leave your son over autism, then you might be imagining, "would he stay and care for me and wipe my a-s if I no longer remembered his face?" Too many people get married without having these difficult conversations beforehand, the what ifs - what if we had an autistic child?

What if one of us gets dementia, MS, terminal cancer? How would we weather these challenges? I cannot be more serious when I say that this is a BIG fissure that needs to be immediately addressed and mended, or this marriage will not last. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

There are just roommates co-parenting. But the thing about mending this? I don't think your husband is in a place mentally where he can address mending. He can't think about how his words impacted you because he is so lost inside his own hurt. For this reason, I strongly recommend seeking out a therapist. Your husband needs coping tools.

You both sound shut down and hurt. You need to work through this, and an unbiased guide would be helpful. Not all therapists are good at what they do, so I would definitely shop, interview them, and find one who works specifically with parents of autistic children. Hugs. Tough, tough feelings are present here, but they are valid ones all around.