'AITA for wanting a divorce my husband doesn’t want and risking no relationship with his child?'

"AITAH for wanting a divorce my husband doesn’t want and risking no relationship with his child?"

My husband (33M) and I (30F) have been married for 11 years. He is in the military and we have lived all over the place. During this time, I have taken on most if not all of the household chores (grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry) and when needed he has mowed the lawn, hung stuff up on walls...I have for most of our marriage had a job as well.

I asked in the past for help around the house and it was not even considered. He in fact threatened to eat off of paper plates or eat fast food so that I wouldn't have to "worry about HIS dishes." Fast forward to now, we have a 13 month old baby. I have stayed home since birth and am still cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, pets...all on me.

I again decided to revisit the topic as I'm feeling so burnt out... I breastfeed all night, am responsible for bath time, feeding baby for mealtime, cleanup after meal time, dishes. He thinks going to work is enough? That I'm not grateful for him working since I'm asking him to help me around the house?

I told him why are we married then? I can just get a job and do it all myself still. I'd find a way.

He reluctantly agreed to helping after I mentioned this would be it for me...

The following week every time he fed the baby, or changed the baby, or put food away after dinner it was always a comment "I hope THIS is enough" or "am I doing enough?" We got home one day after grocery shopping. I got the baby out of the car seat and went to the other side to grab a few bags. He said "No I got it". I said please let me get some. He said "no".

As we're walking inside he says "I hope breaking my back is enough for you". Like...I can't win. I told him it's like he's punishing me for asking for help. I mentioned divorce and he said if we divorce he isn't going to be involved in our child's life. He said and I quote "It's all or nothing". He says he doesn't want to divorce.

We currently live overseas and divorce would mean me moving back to the states near family with our baby while he stays at his duty station. AITAH for considering divorcing my husband knowing that he would choose not to know his own child? How can I do this to our baby? But how can I live like this? Am I asking for too much?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

celticmusebooks wrote:

He would choose not to know his own child? How can I do this to our baby?

Read that out loud several times. He is LITERALLY telling you that he doesn't love his own child. Is that someone you want raising your child?

Contact your family and start making plans to return home. Once those plans are in place return home for a "visit" and just don't come back. File for divorce AFTER you're back in the states.

Timely-Second2457 wrote:

He already seems like he has no relationship with his child so what would be the difference? If you move back closer to family would you have help?

Either way NTA. Your husband sucks.

Your_Daddy_1972 wrote:

NTA. If he thinks doing the bare minimum is "breaking his back" then he's not worth sticking around for.

ETA: using your kid and an "all or nothing" ultimatum to try and guilt you into staying is a dick move and your kid will be better off without him too.

Aggressive_Aspect288 wrote:

As a military person (I’m active duty) I’m going to let you know him “breaking his back” and then saying snide remarks IS terms for divorce. God f--king forbid if he’s Air Force bc that lil guy should have plenty of energy for home life.

So many military men think they are god gift to their family bc “they sacrifice.” Of course his job matters but even then he should want to love and respect your needs. I’m over this scenario.

Chloe_Phil wrote:

Talk to Legal Services at the base. He WILL have a relationship with his child even if it is only a nice deduction from his pay every month. Once you leave, he will have to move out of family housing into the barracks or rent in the local economy.

Chance_Culture_441 wrote:

If I’m understanding you, he is threatening to not be a father (as he is BARELY now) if you leave him so that you do not have to raise an adult man-child along with your actual child any longer? How is that a punishment to you?

You will be able to move home to family, have total say over raising your child, and the military will send you child support and the child’s benefits - sounds like a win-win to me! Sucks that he wants to “punish” the kid with not being in their life, but he really sounds like a pretty crappy dad anyway, so again, not really a punishment.

I say you make good on your threat and make plans to go back to your family for an extended period of time and see how it goes. If it’s awful and you can’t do it alone, then you talk to him. But if it is the same, or better, you have your answer and you send him papers!

ETA- NTA!