'AITA for not wanting my pregnant daughter to rely on me?' UPDATED
"AITA for wanting my pregnant daughter to do something with her life and not rely on me?"
My 40f, daughter, 22f, Rita is pregnant, she's almost 20 weeks and she just told me a few days ago. Rita moved back in with me and my husband (her stepdad) when the place she was renting with her bf 22m, and a former roommate fell through. Rita and her bf are still together and decided to keep the baby. The bf lives about an hour and a half away.
Anyhow, Rita does absolutely nothing. She doesn't work or go to school. She'll watch TV until 5-6am then sleep until 1-2pm most days. Only cleans her room when I tell her to. Doesn't wash dishes or her laundry, nor does she take out the trash.
When I try to talk to her she starts crying and screaming that I hate her and I'm trying to stress her out and she can't deal with it. (My other young adult kid is in college full time and works part time. They were raised with the same rules and expectations.)
I tried telling Rita she's having a baby soon and she needs to grow up. Cue more crying and screaming. She literally throws herself on the floor and sobs. That she needs to get her act together to take care of the baby and try to be a decent parent.
That the baby is hers, not mine and her and her bf responsibility to raise and provide for. That she needs to go to school or work or both and apply for daycare vouchers and any assistance she can.
That she needs to pull her head out of the sand and actually do something with her life. (I had kids young, but I also went to school part time for several years to achieve my goals.)
These conversations always end with Rita on the floor, crying, screaming and basically throwing a tantrum. The only time she does anything is when either I force her to or her bf picks her up. Other than that, she'll go 4-5 days without showering or changing clothes.
I've told her that has to stop. I love her but I'm not raising her baby or taking care of her like a child. She knows what's right and expected of her. Rita says I'm the ah because I'm turning my back on her and my grandchild and if they suffer its my fault because I have the ability to give them a good life and home with plenty of stability but I'd rather make her struggle. (I'd never let the baby go without.) AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say here:
vocabulazy said:
NTA. She is going to either have to step up or give the baby up for adoption. After making sure she’s physically healthy, you should help her get into therapy. She’s clearly having a tough time figuring out how she’s going to make it in this world with the responsibility of a child.
Being a supportive parent to her and grandparent to the child does not mean giving them everything. But you can support your daughter to become more independent. I strongly feel a support group and therapy are a good starting point here.
alien_overlord_1001 said:
NTA sink or swim - as long as you give her a free home, she won’t change. Tell her to leave - she wanted the baby, now she needs to figure it out with the bf. Or you can be living with two babies, and you will be doing everything for both of them.
Accomplished_Two1611 said:
Has your daughter always acted this way? Sounds like she needs professional help. I don't think all the lectures in the world will help if something is off with her.
Raindripdrop said:
NTA, I wonder if the baby was partly kept to ensure you can't kick her out. An adult that can't be bothered to shower probably should not have a kid. (I will say caring for something can sometimes give people motivation, but I'm not sure that will be the case).
HappyLifeCoffeeHelps said:
NTA. I would set her down for a meeting and a contract. Make it clear that the parameters of the meeting are for her to be part of an adult conversation. If she cannot manage that, then your home will no longer be available to her. I would make part of the contract that she starts to pay rent, find a job, and have chores. If she can't maintain this, she has 30 days to move out.
kiwimuz said:
NTA. She is a 22 year old adult behaving like an entitled toddler. Ultimatum time. She does not get to live at home unless she has sorted herself out. If she was old enough to get pregnant then she is old enough to behave like an adult.
UPDATE:
I talked to Rita about things over her favorite foods while we were both calm and in decent moods. Rita hates being an adult, says its scary and the idea of having a baby is terrifying. She wants to be a kid again without all the adult worries and responsibilities.
She semi regrets getting pregnant and giving up her freedom, but her and bf agreed to keep the baby but she wishes she hadn't said yes so fast so she feels a bit trapped and overwhelmed. I asked her about the tantrums, she said it's just easier than facing reality right now.
She has zero interest in going to school or working. She'd rather spend her time doing things that bring her personal fulfillment and happiness. I told Rita that I do understand and empathize but it does not change the current situation and the fact a baby is on the way.
I suggested an open adoption, Rita said no, that's not an option for her and bf, but admitted she has no idea what's going to happen or how they're going to manage once the baby is here and she's really unsure and scared.
I once again suggested seeking therapy. Rita is not currently interested because she says therapy makes her feel like she's in some way defective or broken and she's not good enough as she is. Rita talked and vented a bit more and I just kept quiet and listened.