'AITA for yelling at and ignoring my girlfriend over a prank that scared me?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for yelling at and ignoring my girlfriend over a prank?"

I’ve (22M) been with Nicole (25F) for a couple years now and she’s always liked survival stuff and weaponry and all that. I absolutely don’t. Really, really bad experiences with kn-ves when I was younger, and Nicole knows about them. We both love Halloween and usually throw a party and dress up and goof around, cook up pumpkin seeds and watch movies.

Anyway the point is Nicole loves doing tricks with her kn-ves (like five finger fillet, flicking it open and closed, twirling it etc) and she’ll do it when we’re watching a show or movie together - forgetting that I’ve asked her please not to. Or she’ll buy a new one and show it off, asking if I wanted to give it first bite(??) and pout when I say no.

Two days ago she was playing with it again and I asked her why she keeps forgetting and she said “wow okay don’t insult my intelligence again” and then that it was just a kn-fe and therefore not a big deal and therefore not that important to remember. After that, she put away the knife and we continued to have an okay night, but I was on edge and jumpy whenever she touched me.

Yesterday she called me into the kitchen. Only she was playing five finger filet...and I startled her and she “messed up.” Badly. I lost my cool. Screamed my head off, tried shouting what I knew about first aid at her while I raced to grab my phone, complete panic, dialing 911, only for her start laughing and show me that it was a “prank” involving red food dye and a carrot.

She had a nice laugh about how I would have known it was a joke if I wasn’t so squeamish about kn-ves, that it’s proof I need to get more comfortable, that anyone with passing knowledge knows that it doesn’t look like that when something like that happens.

She kept explaining how she did it, how she practiced, how she could show me, but I didn’t even answer her, it was like my head was underwater and my heart was beating out of my chest.

Just moved on autopilot and grabbed my keys and drove a few blocks away before pulling over to breath. Nicole tried to call me and the first thing I said was “it wasn’t funny at all," and she asked “are you crying?” Then I hung up on her. She kept texting me, saying she was sorry, that she didn’t think I’d react so badly to a joke, that it was just meant to be good fun in the Halloween spirit.

I ignored her. I texted her after that I was home but ignored everything else. This morning she sent the picture of the props to the group chat with a few of our mutual friends, and they chimed in saying “It doesn’t even look real.” I’ve muted the chat since and I’m wondering if I have a leg to stand on before I go back and apologize.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

It’s...overwhelming how much of a response this got, and I tried to read all of your comments. Some of them made me laugh, some warmed my heart, others had very hard truths that I still needed to hear, no matter how raw it left me.

There are a lot of repeating questions and assumptions.

First: we don’t live together. At this point I don’t think we ever will.

Second: I stayed primarily because the good seemed to outweigh the bad. You remember the negatives more than the positive, so obviously I just had to remember her positive qualities instead of being swayed by my focus on the bad times. Plus it was always almost perfect after we had a fight, and I just assumed the boom and bust cycle was normal.

I didn’t know Nicole liked kn-ves at first. A mutual friend (“Crystal”, who was in the group chat, and I met Crystal during a community college course) introduced us as I was new to the area and at first Nicole and I hit it off as we had a lot of shared interests - music, art, outdoors activity, going antiquing, wine, food and cooking... just a lot of things.

We started dating and eventually went on a camping and hiking trip, where she used a knife to split some kindling and she was pointing it toward herself. I remember telling her to watch out and she had me to relax because she did it all the time, she asked me if I wanted to do it myself and I admitted I didn’t like knives.

Later in the trip we drank by the fire and talked and that’s when I told her about my trauma. She promised to protect me and I remember that exactly because I had the mental image of her fending off a mugger and I joked that she was “my hero."

(My trauma has been brought up after that point, and neither of us were drunk at the time) My knife issues typically don’t impact my daily life except to make me more apt to be very slow in the kitchen when chopping things. It doesn’t seem like ab-se, especially when we’re good. When it’s bad, it’s really rough.

I don’t have really any other baseline as I was a late bloomer dating wise. My dad always said that you should both give 110% in a relationship but everyone argues. I thought working through the rough patches was normal. That’s also why I was preparing to apologize: because it takes two in an argument so I am responsible as well and need to apologize for my part.

In this case, ruining the night with my reaction. I did go through therapy to help cope with the initial incident surrounding my aversion to kn-ves. I was a lot worse when it happened - to the extent where I couldn’t have anyone point the kn-fe in the direction of another living being, or certain songs on the radio that were playing at the time, or certain smells.

I’ve made progress, but clearly not enough to stay with her and deal with her fidgeting with the kn-ves. (I will admit to backsliding a bit in that I seem a lot more anxious when I stay the night and can’t stay asleep, or having more nightmares, which is why I believed her when she said I was overreacting).

Also concerning the fidgeting, it’s not a constant thing. Sometimes she’d go weeks without pulling the kn-fe out. Sometimes she’d complain that I only focus on the fact she had used the kn-fe, versus how long she had abstained, which seems reasonable to point out.

The comments kept coming.

Vos-loves-ventress15 wrote:

"I had a horrible, disturbing prank played on me by the person I love. AITA?"

NTA OP. God, that wasn't a prank, that sounds terrifying.

Obiterdicta wrote:

INFO: Why are you dating someone who repeatedly exposes you to something you're traumatized by and doesn't care how hurt you are by it?

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. Nicole is NOT a nice person. She repeatedly ignores your boundaries and this was not a prank- it was a deliberately cruel action to make you think she was hurt. She needs therapy, to give a sincere apology and do better with your boundaries, or I would end the relationship with someone who was so cruel and selfish.

Anovadea wrote:

NTA but she is. Look, she knows you're uncomfortable with kn-ves due to bad experiences, and she decides to pull a prank that plays on exactly that? And then uses that as justification to say "You need to get more comfortable" like it's just a switch you can just flip? She clearly doesn't respect your boundaries.

IHaveNoUserNameSorry wrote:

NTA. If it were me, I would break up with her simply because she said, “it’s just a kni-e and therefore not a big deal and therefore not that important to remember.” She doesn’t respect your feelings.

I mean, would you push someone who has Thalassophobia (fear of deep water) into the ocean and then laugh at them because they had a panic attack? Your bad experiences with knives when you were younger may be stupid / irrelevant to your girlfriend, but they’re not to you and the fact that she finds it funny to wind you up is a big red flag to me.

The next day, OP shared another update.

A lot of the conversation is paraphrased with quotes that stuck in my mind. I also kept adding to this as things developed and I’m running on zero sleep, so I’m sorry if it’s not very clear. I did reach out to Nicole again yesterday to talk and I went with the intention of standing my ground and explaining things so she could understand my side.

She greeted me with “thanks for gracing me with your presence” and asked if I was here to act my age and talk like an adult. She slammed the door behind me and pointed to the couch so we could discuss things. Nicole opened with my reaction was unreasonable and completely out of line considering the situation.

I said that things need to change because that prank wasn’t okay at all and she knows I have issues with kn-fe v-lence and I asked “what was funny about the prank?” She interrupted and said that ultimatums aren’t part of any relationship so I said “I don’t think this is working out for us, I don’t think we’re happy together.”

Nicole froze at first and I started to explain that the kn-fe thing and our respective stances being so different is not fair to either of us. But she repeatedly asked “so you’re going to break up nearly three years just because of this?”

I tried to tell her it was more than just this, it was everything else, it was that she keeps forgetting and triggering me, that she loves playing with them but it upsets me, but she started talking over me and yelling that apparently I think she’s an idiot and that I’m the best actor in the world because she never knew I felt so horrible, and that maybe I should call the cops on her for ab-se.

She grabbed her cellphone and offered it to me again and again, saying “go on, call” but when I said we just need to talk, she interrupted with “no you won’t because you know, I know, we both know, no cop is going to arrest me for a joke”. Also I’m not very tall- 5’9 and she’s only 5’6 but she was standing right in front of me while I was seated, so I couldn’t get up without moving her.

After throwing her phone on the couch next to me, she stormed into the kitchen shouting that she should get rid of all her kn-ves because I’m so terrified. She threw a few into the sink and then the whole block of kn-ves into the trash, the whole time asking “what about this one? Too sharp? Too scary?”

When I flinched at the noises she said “oh do you feel threatened? How do you think I feel when I have to defend myself against your feelings?!” Nicole told me to quit crying, that I can’t just use tears to manipulate her, and mocked me when I said “please stop”. She said she has to walk on eggshells because she has to deal with a boyfriend that can’t handle a single joke without running off into the night.

“It’s not hard to not overreact - literally just think before you go crazy, it’s that simple” and that it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t handle a kn-fe or a g-n and I refuse to let go of my victimhood because “anyone normal would have gotten over it by now, it’s been nearly 9 years!”

She called me stubborn and childish for picking this hill to die on, that I’m not innocent, it’s not fair that I’m allowed to ignore her for hours but she can’t have a little fun, and is my ego really that big? It’s sickening that I don’t trust her or think she’s smart or skilled enough to handle a kn-fe properly and it’s s-xist, infantilizing and insulting.

At some point I said I think I need to go home and it was like a switch, and she said “Please stop crying, I hate when you cry,” joked (I think, because she laughed?) “I guess hibachi dates are off the table, huh?” and “I should probably take the kn-ves out of the trash now, shouldn’t I?”

She apologized and said since it means so much to me she’ll put in more effort. She admitted that I’m such a sensitive guy that if she stopped doing everything that made me uncomfortable she wouldn’t be able to do anything.

She pointed out that I cried watching My Girl the other day as proof that I’m overly emotional and it made sense that she thought I was just being my normal self, but she was sorry for not realizing sooner it was really upsetting me. She promised she would do her best not to bring the knives out when I’m around.

Nicole hugged me and told me to “let go, we can get through this, there’s nothing we can’t get over”, and asked for a chance to start over, fresh start tomorrow, no more jokes. It’s stupid but I just said yes. I wanted to go home, get out of her house and leave while she was still acting nice, and I didn’t hold my ground. I feel like an idiot and a coward.

I got home and puked and couldn’t get to sleep again. Today Nicole came and dropped off lunch and coffee for me, gave me a kiss and said she loved me, and all the old ladies in the office were gushing about how cute we are together. I’m going to reach out to one of the guys I’m closer to and the friend who set us up to find out when Nicole got so into kn-ves.

(Because I remember about 7-8 months in it was shortly after the camping trip and it was Nicole’s birthday that she asked for a specific kn-fe as her present, so at least then, but I can’t really remember there being anything major before then). I’m going to break up officially with her tomorrow with one of the guys if possible, so I can get my stuff from her place.

The internet continued to offer support.

Vasyathebrave wrote:

I'm just gonna put these out here for anyone who is in an ab-sive relationship, this is how I got out: Make sure someone else is there when you break up. If you need need get stuff from her place, ask for a cop to be there (non emergency say she has acted out when you tried to break up and do not want any accusations towards you from her).

Make it clear in text that you do not want any more contact with her and don't delete any texts to/from her. If she continues contacting you, repeat again you do not want contact and you will file for a restraining order if it continues. If she thr-tens to harm herself, ask how. Then call the police (non-emergency line) for a welfare check and tell them how she threatened to harm herself and how.

File a restraining order if she continues contacting you.

Hopefully it will not get to the point I was at, where I had to move across the country because, even though all my social media is shut down tight so people can't really find me, he was friending/following people who knew me to try and track me.

He literally was making fake accounts, claiming to have been in my friend's high school/college to convince them. He was applying to work where I worked and tried using me as a reference (which he wasn't remotely qualified for and I told them he was an abusive ex). Some people are batsh-t as you've sadly learned.

Robindastore wrote:

OP that is a completely unstable reaction, also her t-xic masculinity is over the top and you do not deserve to be treated that way. I'm so sorry she scared you like that and that she thought it was okay and you just "over reacted."

You did not overreact, your feelings and trauma associated with them are completely valid, and she sounds like a hateful, unkind person. please do not go back to her unless someone else is there with you, and stay safe. sending you hugs, you got this tomorrow you are a strong person.

CinderDroplet wrote:

She is completely unhinged. There aren't enough red flags for how she acted and she honestly needs some professional help. She used fear to keep you around and that is never healthy.

I would not trust being in the same room as her. Seriously, run far away and don't look back. Its not a joke if it stirs up past traumas. The fact that she keeps calling it a joke when it never was is further proof that she doesn't care. She is completely manipulative and you deserve so much better. Please wait until you can take a friend or two to get your stuff.

bite_me_losers wrote:

OP, I am glad to see this update for you. The way she acted sounds TERRIFYING. I'm 5'10" and I don't put up with s-t. But she sounds...scary. She was completely ready to manipulate you and scare you. I'm sorry. I'm so glad you're escaping this ab-se.

Please don't go back, she will try and convince you that you're blowing this out of proportion but that's what ab-sers do when they think their victim might escape the relationship.

Three years later, OP shared another update.

It's been a long while since I posted, and I was uncertain if I could update here or there or wherever. Roll this back over a decade ago for more background. When I was a preteen we experienced a home invasion that resulted in my mother and dog dying and left me with a lifelong phobia of k--ves and anxiety surrounding blood and break-ins.

Directly following the break-in, I was unable to handle a knife being pointed at another living creature. My brain caught on to stupid things and connected them to the events and made them into triggers. Mom's perfume. The sound of glass shattering or a door banging open. A song that was playing at the time.

Even now I still hate the song but at least it doesn't trigger a flashback anymore. Blood on beige carpet featured prominently in my nightmares. I worked extensively with a therapist to process what happened and what I'd seen. Recovery took years of therapy, weeks of inpatient care, medication to help with the nightmares, PTSD, depression and anxiety. We sold the house as soon as we could.

I moved out of state as soon as I could. I kept up with therapy and continued to take my medication. My aversion became something minor in how it impacted my life. I was careful in the kitchen and I certainly didn't search out knife throwing competitions, but it was under control in my normal daily life.

It helped that everything seemed to be coming together. I made new friends, I was balancing work and school, I'd just met the girl who'd become my first long term adult girlfriend. I know now it was just the honeymoon phase but it felt like we were progressing well even once infatuation wore off.

We stood together through highs and lows and the mediocre middle ground where there's nothing exciting, just the mundane. I thought that was the marker of a steady relationship, to be able to stick together even after the excitement of a new relationship has faded. We went on a few trips together, driving across state lines to meet her family or flying back to see my dad.

On one of our trips we went camping and my fear got brought up. That lead to the break-in getting brought up. She seemed to care at the time, even promising to protect me if something ever happened and offering to help install a camera in my apartment.After the camping trip, I don't know if it was always there and I noticed it more after or what, but she started to be more obviously into kn-ves.

Practicing tricks in front of me, showing videos to me, starting a collection. She even asked for a kn-fe for her birthday that year, showing me exactly which one she wanted. Before, she was into camping, into g-ns (which ironically I have zero issue with) and how to forage, make shelter, purify water, basic survival stuff, and artillery and tanks.

She did multiple courses about military history in college and busted out the textbooks sometimes if she remembered something she thought I would find interesting. But suddenly it seemed like her focus was on carving and sk!nning animals, on knife wounds and tricks and collecting and displaying k--ves.

She started doing the tricks more often, in front of me, even when sitting next to me on the couch or at the dinner table. She would gesture with the kn-fe "without thinking" and even point it at me- again, one of my major triggers being k-ves pointed at people or animals.

She started sending me videos of news clips of other break ins, or news reports of robberies ending in murder, between a bunch of other funny videos or pictures, so checking snapchat became a game of Russian roulette. If I didn't check the links sent through text, she'd keep sending them and ask what I thought.

She'd forget she had the knife in hand when she came up to me, sometimes from behind. My nightmares came back. My anxiety got worse. No matter how often I reminded her to please stop playing with the k-fe in front of me, or at least not next to me, she would always forget after a little bit. Some part of me refuses to believe there's no way she risked bodily harm just to unnerve me.

It came to a head when she pulled a prank where she pretended to cut off a finger. We had a huge fight, our biggest one yet. I wish I'd acted differently and hadn't stormed out but I did. There is a lot about my time with Nicole I would do differently in hindsight. I was so sure I'd just break up with her for good. I don't know why I didn't stay broken up with her.

When I did at first, I did it alone because my friend Jack rolled his eyes and called me a p-ssy for wanting back up. So I did it in a coffee shop instead, hoping the public eye could be my backup. Nicole stared at me with this affronted expression and it was like I couldn't find the words anymore. Her eyes were huge and wide and hateful. Like I've never seen anyone glare at me like that.

She gripped onto the cup like she was going to throw it at me, I had it in my head to bolt the second she moved because I could see it so clearly. But then she started crying, loudly, and kept asking why I would do this to her and that she hoped I found happiness with someone better since she clearly wasn't enough for me despite doing everything to be a good girlfriend.

I felt like s-t and people were staring so I wished her well and asked if she wanted me to call a friend but she told me to leave her the f-k alone so I did. I hate how I handled the break up but it felt in the moment like autopilot. In short order I lost the support of our mutual friends who had become my only friends during my relationship with Nicole, which I understand as they knew her for much longer.

Jack actually confronted me and called me a piece of s-t for embarrassing her like that in public, calling me trash for leaving her sobbing alone and not even offering her a ride home; he wouldn't listen to my explanations and said I could excuse myself but everyone now knew what kind of guy I really am.

People at work mentioned how sad it was that we broke up. I didn't feel like it was the place to explain my reasoning and after the confrontation with Jack I didn't feel like I had a right to. I felt like crap, like a s-t person, and I felt numb. I tried to move on, to find a new normal.

After about a month being broken up, she called me and begged for me to come over to help her, she was scared she'd hurt herself. I went to her immediately. I held her all night, helped her wash her hair after days of not being able to bring herself to. She admitted she'd done a horrible thing and she couldn't stand how she treated me, that she wished she could go back and change so we could still be together.

Didn't know how to address that, so I just stayed with her the whole night, and the next day at work she came by to drop off a homemade lunch and to thank me for being there for her. I stupidly let myself get sucked back in. I get that it's my fault. Coffee in the morning became dinner and drinks out became movie nights and going to shows and flea markets together because we still had similar interests.

One time she even noticed a booth with knives and directed us away, and while yes it wasn't necessary as I could see a k-fe display and not be freaked out, it was a nice gesture because before she would have gone there and either bought one herself or asked me to buy it for her, one of multiple changes that made me think maybe she was truly making an effort. That at the least maybe we could be friends again.

I started to get invited back into the group somewhat. Two months later she kissed me. We were both dr-nk and it didn't go any further. I didn't talk to her about it because I thought she didn't remember, but then she approached me to ask if there was any salvaging "Us", if she'd proven that she was different now and things would be better.

I thought maybe. I stayed, because she really had been so sweet, it was like starting over, and we got back together. I was permitted back into the friend group in full (though Crystal had stopped talking to everyone and Jack still refused to talk to me) and while it was awkward at first, soon enough we were acting like we'd never stopped being friends for even a minute.

It felt so good to go back to normal, it was like a weight off my chest and like I could breathe again. It was nice for a while. She was so careful about the knives thing and it really did feel so normal and steady. Sure we had small fights but we always made up shortly after and she'd be overwhelmingly loving after the fact. It felt like it was before, so it felt normal.

I can't pinpoint when it started to creep back but maybe when she started watching documentaries on her phone with the sound up high while sitting next to me, or when she'd poke or grab me while I was cutting up dinner then laugh at my startle response.

Or she'd scoff if I teared up watching or reading something then tell me later that it was out of fondness not exasperation and I really needed to stop reading so much into it.

Or she'd yell at me for forgetting something that she never even told me about and then the next day she'd get frustrated that I didn't "insist properly" that she was mistaken. Like it was all small things that on their own weren't even that big of a deal and I didn't feel like I could just speak up about it or else I was nitpicking her.

In hindsight I was making excuses and clinging to when she was nice to me, trying to do anything to make sure we just stayed happy and without bumps. Part of it was that I knew now that I'd be alone, that no one would understand why I'd throw away a good relationship, that being with her was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

We moved in together four months after our getting back together. She was hinting around that it was the only way to prove to her that I'd forgiven her and that way we could move on and be happy.

She insisted I move into her place because it was easier to move an apartment into a house than the other way around. It constantly felt like she was dangling that night where she was suicidal over me, like one wrong move from me and maybe the next time she wouldn't call for help.

When we had fights, she paced through the house flicking a kn-fe, looping from the bedroom to the living room to the office, or said every single argument was really due to the fact I was holding a grudge over the prank and that we wouldn't be arguing if I just "grew up" and stopped taking out my trauma on her. She'd tell me not to piss her off because it would be too easy for her to "make a mistake."

A few times she'd gone on a rampage and overturned tables and threw glasses into the sink and dishwasher and said we were done for good— only for the next day to blow up my phone begging me to talk this out or have her friends encourage me to swallow my pride and go back to her because she's miserable without me and she's trying so hard.

Or she'd just wake me with a kiss after making me sleep on the couch as if the night before never happened. If I asked about the night before, the fight would start all over yet this time it'd be my fault because she was trying to move on but I was holding a grudge.

The following nearly ten months were the most terrifying, anxiety riddled period of my life, and I only had myself to blame. Coming home from work I puked my guts out more than a few times on the way just because I didn't want to go back to her. I felt trapped.

She threw away the blanket my mother had knitted me for my crib because it was "dirty". It wasn't dirty, it was a knit blanket that had been repaired repeatedly and hand washed frequently; so she'd "accidentally" put it through the wash and destroyed it, then bought a completely different throw blanket as a replacement and got mad when I didn't consider the matter resolved.

She pulled another prank, this time with a fake positive pregnancy test, and berated me for not being overjoyed because I immediately started panicking about the cost, bringing up a child in our dysfunction, and handling the stress, rather than being excited. I feel like she wanted me to be happy so that she could crush my joy, and so was angry that I didn't play to her expectation.

That night she threatened me with the kn-fe, pointing it at me and saying she should just snip me right then since I didn't want to have kids with her, and then held me as I sobbed because I went into a panic. I didn't want her touching me, but I didn't know what else to do but let her and to apologize to her.

Another time she put the kn-fe to her throat during a fight and said I clearly want her to k-ll herself and didn't stop until I screamed at her begging her to stop. Sometimes when driving she'd start speeding and swerving, or closing her eyes while on the highway, and saying my fear meant I didn't trust her. Nicole just kept getting worse by the day. I remember waking up one morning with a moment of clarity.

I knew she'd eventually k-ll me, I was sleeping next to my m-rderer. It still wasn't enough to push me away. Escaping her orbit seemed like too much, more than I could handle. Everything I had in me was focused on just surviving day to day. I never knew if she'd break up with me on a whim or pick a fight or be constantly pushing me closer to a panic attack all night or if she'd flip and be so sweet and caring.

I felt like every day was Russian roulette hour to hour, every word I said or action I did or didn't do a chance to start a raging fight. She'd tossed out my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication one night and then during the resulting argument she made a big show of forgiving me for raising my voice (I shouldn't have done that, I have no excuse) and then helping me call in an emergency refill.

For weeks after, because I said I wanted to break up during the argument, she would ask if I was going to "try to run away" every time that something went wrong. Takeout order wrong? I spilled a cup of water? Streaming service not working immediately? "Oh don't get your panties in a twist and run off" and "do I have to worry about you leaving me over this mistake, too?"

Eventually that tapered off but maybe once a month during a fight she would tearfully go to our friends and ask them to mediate then during the meetings say that I kept threatening to leave her again over "nothing" and how scared she was of losing me when she "didn't know what set me off."

More than a few times she showed me texts from them where her friends were saying how she deserved better and didn't need to put up with me, but she'd tell me "I don't listen to them because I love you anyway."

She'd slap me and push me during arguments. I could never do anything right, because even doing what she wanted without argument or not looking her in the eye could be enough to send her off the rails.

Sometimes as a joke just in general one of our friends would pull out a little pack of tissues and hand it over to me "in case I'd run out" or make a production of hiding the butter kn-fe at dinner under the napkin.

It was humiliating but if I spoke up, suddenly I was oversensitive, an embarrassment, no fun, and I had to learn how to deal with adult friendships and jokes, and they'd ask her how she could stand it. As a result I didn't spend much time with them either.

Usually Nicole would just go out with them and I'd stay home, which was the most relaxing I've ever felt during that time, except for when she started randomly coming home without any notice or timeline (like saying she'd be home at 6 but then not coming back til midnight or early morning, or saying she'd be gone until 10 and coming early back at 2 or 3).

Or randomly calling the house phone to make sure I was home and getting angry if she even thought I sounded breathless, accusing me of having left.

She started hinting around that marriage would be the logical next step and I was insulting her by not having proposed yet. Then she bought an engagement ring with my credit card and started showing off to all her friends how perfect "my" choice was. I didn't want to marry her.

I felt bad for not wanting to marry her. I wanted us to be happy, and maybe giving her the wedding she wanted would help. I didn't want to marry her. In all those months I never went to sleep feeling safe. I lied awake in bed hyper aware of how close she was and trying to go over in my head if I had behaved well enough to keep her happy and what I could do to prevent another explosion.

In hindsight it's sickening how long I let this go on. In the moment it was just about all I could think to do. I often woke up with nightmares which would in turn piss her off and set her off in a mood for the next day but if I suggested sleeping separately she would rage about how I was calling her a sh--ty girlfriend/fiancee/etc.

I started to keep a notebook at work and just writing s--t down. Things she'd done or said, incidents and what I'd done to set her off. It helped me feel more sane, and also more like a f--king moron because I could read back on times she actually hurt me and I still hadn't left.

Every time I thought about leaving I felt sick inside. I'd lose every social contact I had. I would have to find a new place to live. I'd have to bar her from my workplace but they can't do anything without a restraining order and that itself felt like a hurdle too. I dropped all my old friends in favor of her and felt like they'd refuse to even talk to me again.

I was the idiot that let her back into my life and rekindled the relationship, despite overwhelming feedback. I was stupid enough to deserve every bit of what was happening, and too dumb to deserve to escape after wasting my previous chances. I hated myself and had frequent fantasies of just ending it all.

The worst part wasn't the anxiety and terror though. It was when she was sweet and caring. For example she always went all out for my birthday or anniversaries or Christmas, with thoughtful gifts, except for the year where she kicked me out for the evening after throwing some decorations at the wall because they stopped working (for which she blamed me because I put them up).

She was sweet and gentle one day, or even for a week or two, only to slowly start ramping up the tension until she exploded yet again. She had an uncanny ability to blame me in ways that made me feel responsible for her emotions and for forcing her to react v--lently. When we drove out to visit my dad for Easter things started to change.

Dad was concerned about how quiet I'd become and that I hadn't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas or even called on NYE like I used to. That I looked tired, unhappy and thin. Nicole was on her best behavior the whole time and even left her knives in the car, even tried to get everyone to focus on the engagement ring, but Dad still saw something was wrong.

For three weeks after he kept trying to contact me, but she wouldn't let me talk without her in the room and she checked my phone anytime she left me alone and checked the records online to see if I had deleted any calls.

Eventually I managed to get a burner phone and hid it at work, which allowed me to talk to my dad freely. He flew over with my uncle and they helped me gather my stuff from her house. When Nicole started sobbing and begging me to stay, my uncle kept her from the kitchen knives and had his phone ready to call 911 if she tried to hurt herself or us.

When Nicole started to insist I was taking her stuff too even though I was only taking things either I brought with me or I bought for me, I just let it go. She got to keep a few sentimental items of mine and the loss hurts still but the most important ones I was able to take, like I was able to get all my documentation and cards out of her house.

I didn't even bother with the ring. It was just money and she was already acting up. Uncle drove my car home while Dad had me fly with him. I'm ashamed to admit that the months directly following the breakup were almost worse than the time I spent with her, because I was out of survival mode and I couldn't force myself to function the way I used to.

I felt like a parasite on my father, unable to get my s-t together, falling apart over nothing, being so volatile it frightened me. I'm in therapy again. Sometimes I feel better, like I can see a way forward, but then I feel like I'm back in the thick of it and I'll never go back to normal and I'm permanently broken.

Worse, every time I cry or get triggered or have a flashback, I can still hear her voice in my head calling me over emotional and too sensitive, that I'd be fine by now if I just got over myself, that what I went through wasn't that bad. She sent mail to my dad's house for a while, threatening letters and pleas for me to see reason and stop overreacting, pictures of us that were sentimental, guilt trips.

At first I couldn't get a restraining order right away against her because I moved, something about the jurisdictions and courts, but when she sent those letters it helped at least make sure she couldn't continue to contact me. I found my old laptop a while ago and it had the password pre-populated. It wouldn't leave my mind, especially when I read what people were saying.

Right now I'm just rambling to get my head straight, to be honest, but my dms were full of people saying how the s-x must be amazing, how stupid guys get when they want to stick their d-ck in something, that I don't have balls or a backbone clearly and I just need to man up. Basically everything I told myself to remind me of what I did to deserve being stuck with her.

I don't know if I can muster the courage to address any responses to them but I really just want to tie up this lose end in my life so maybe I can stop rehashing it mentally and finally move on. I might also give my therapist the notebook I kept of Nicole's ab-se but I haven't wanted to even look for it. There's still a box of shit that I haven't opened up because it's all f-ked with my head so much.

What I wish I knew at the start of all this s-t was that any amount of genuine discomfort isn't an acceptable price in a relationship and you're allowed to stop giving them more chances even if they're trying and seem sorry. You're not obligated to help people change, even if you love them, even if they do slightly better.

The internet was glad to hear OP is now okay.

Fish_Fingers wrote:

Glad you got out, OP. Wish you all the best and remember- it wasn’t and isn’t your fault. She used every trick she could. You survived and got out, that’s a lot. I think there are support groups. Maybe worth looking into it, talk with the people who had similar experiences. Hope you’ll find recourses and support you need for recovery and will live happy life from now on. Best of wishes to you.

OP responded:

I appreciate that. It's hard to remember how to keep on sometimes, so thank you.

Anxious_Dinosaurs wrote:

Hi there OP. Thank you for updating us on your situation. I've often thought about you since your first post years ago and genuinely, I am so incredibly sorry for everything you went through. Please know that what you were put through was not your fault in any way.

Ab-se is a real mind f*ck (excuse my language) and looking back from a place of freedom, your actions can seem odd even to yourself, but in those moments, you aren't entirely yourself.

Of course, we can throw around "what ifs" after the response to your last post and of course wI ish you hadn't had to go through the last few years the way you did, but what's most important is that right now you are safe again. Your dad and your uncle are wonderful people who have shown you great support and I can guarantee your father does not see you as a burden and is likely just happy that his child is safe.

I wish you all the best with your future and hope you find only healing and comfort in the years to come. Good luck with your therapy. Make sure to take all the time you need with it and do everything at a pace best suited for YOU. You are the priority and I hope it all works out for. Well done on getting away from her. I'm so proud of you.

Oceanarnia wrote:

Hi. You don't know me, but I remember you and i remember your story. Thank you so much for getting out. You're so brave my friend. Please know that trauma is genderless, and the best way for abuse to continue is for the survivor to blame themselves for what happened.

You are not any of those things the horrible DMs said. Please don't listen to the toxic stereotypes made up to silent male survivors. You are our fellow human being, who didn't deserve any of that, who deserves to be safe, and to be free from such horrid people that abused you, that ex especially.

Please focus on healing, because you don't owerus any excuse to heal and love yourself. You're not at fault for your experience. You did excellent getting away from her. I'm genuinely relieved for you and proud of you. I'm so sorry you're battling heavy PTSD. I cant do anything to help, but please know this internet stranger supports you and is cheering for your recovery ♥️♥️♥️♥️

CermaitLaphroaig wrote:

I'm so sorry, but very glad you got out. People who see your post laid out didn't grasp how powerful ab-sive relationships are, and how is a slow build. Sure, if you had read this post before you dated her, somehow, you wouldn't have...but that's not how life works.

I'm glad you have a therapist. Just remember that she was a predator who used your trauma to control you. It's not your fault. And I'm sure your dad doesn't think you're a parasite, he's just happy you're free and safe.