'AITA for not making my daughter change her plans to go to her sister's birthday?"
"AITAH for not making my daughter change her plans to go to her sister's birthday?"
My ex and his wife adopted a little girl (7 almost 8) earlier this year. Her birthday is on the 22nd. This girl has become very attached to my daughter (the feeling is not exactly mutual although my daughter is nice to her). My ex was expecting me to let our daughter be with him and their family on her birthday.
My daughter has plans to go on a trip with her friend's family up to the mountains for a couple days. They leave this afternoon and will be getting back the later in the day on the 23rd.
With the holidays and other events my daughter was not planning on going to stay at her dad's until the 27th. My ex is insisting that that is too long to wait and that his other daughter will be crushed that my daughter is not there on her birthday.
According to him she has a lot of issues with feeling forgotten and has hasn't had the best experiences with birthdays in the past so my ex and his wife wanted to make this one perfect.
So they think my daughter needs to be there for it to be perfect since she is her sister's favorite person. My daughter doesn't want to change her plans though.
While I do feel bad for the little girl I feel like my ex and his wife should have brought up her birthday sooner. He argued they did since it had been mentioned some time ago (at my daughter's birthday which was in May) that they were going to have a big birthday party for her too. Neither my daughter or I remember this.
Furthermore I never knew when her birthday was. My daughter said she only remembered her birthday was in December (and never knew the exact date) when her dad talked to her about the party this morning.
I think the party plans and exact date of her birthday should have been brought up more and been more concrete than that for us to plan around it.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
strawberryshortshort said:
NTA, they should have brought it up again between May and December (if he claimed to have brought it up in May) but they should also be respectful of the plans your daughter already has. She shouldn’t have to change her plans because he and his wife weren’t full prepared.
ConvivialKat said:
NTA. But, you might want to ask your EX if he is just trying to find ways to make your daughter resent the child he adopted. Because trying to ruin her plans to satisfy the adopted child's emotional "needs" is a sure way to accomplish this goal. He's being an idiot and not recognizing the ramifications of what he is demanding.
Besides, there are some easy solutions to make sure the adopted daughter doesn't feel forgotten. Have your daughter schedule a Zoom with her on her birthday. Or, your daughter could make a little "Happy Birthday" video the daughter can watch on her birthday.
Dad should make sure he buys and wraps a gift for his adopted daughter from your daughter. Whatever you do, don't allow your daughter to be pressured into changing her plans.
MaxV331 said:
NTA your daughter is not their adopted child’s emotional support animal.
themcp said:
NTA. He's saying "I mentioned it in passing once 7 months ago. HOW DARE YOU NOT REMEMBER?" Even if he really did, he's being very unrealistic to not think it should be brought up several times over the course of the year if it's important.
I have a cousin whose birthday is December 24, she has always found that to be a problem, and she's not even adopted. So I have a hint of understanding. I feel for the girl. However, it's not your daughter's job to make her feel good, to drop everything to make her day.
Now that you know, you can put it on the calendar to remind her not to make plans for that day next year, but for this year, ex needs to suck it up and deal with the consequences of his not having planned better and consequentially reminded people of it.
All of this said...it would be nice to ask your daughter to phone her sister on the birthday, and if daughter has her own phone, to facetime or otherwise video chat her. If your daughter agrees to this you should ask her if she would like you to call her to remind her to do it, and what would be a good time for you to call if so. This is a great opportunity for you to teach her "even when plans can't be cancelled, it's a good thing to care about others.
IvyCeltress said:
Nta. Can the 16 year old do a FaceTime with all the friends singing happy birthday? or pre taped message?
Spaklinspaklin said:
NTA, they are trying to sacrifice their new daughter’s happiness for their older daughter’s happiness. This trip is probably something your daughter is really looking forward to and 100% you made the right decision.
The parents are probably making it out to be worse than it actually is. The 7yo will have cake and presents and plenty to be occupied with.
iamthatspecialgirl said:
This sounds really forceful and weird from them. The girl will have your daughter to herself on the 27th. She'll be fine. NTA.