'AITA for allowing my stepson to be publicly humiliated?'
"AITA for allowing my stepson to be publicly humiliated?"
I have a 14 year old son from my first marriage that lives with me. My wife has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship who also lives with us. They're both good kids and get on well with each other, but they are very different.
I pretty much raised my son on my own from the age of 5 after his mother passed. I didn't date until he was 11 and just focused on being a father. He didn't really have any female influence in his life and I've raised him to be disciplined and believe in himself.
He's very confident, hardworking and driven to succeed, especially in sports. He is captain of the rugby team in school, and the local team he plays for. He also competes in grappling and BJJ [Brazilian jui-jitsu], regularly winning competitions. He's training or playing 7 days a week and is very dedicated to succeeding.
My stepson is a really kind-hearted kid, very empathetic, funny. I get on with him well. However, he really lacks self confidence, plays video games most of the time and lacks motivation, preferring to lie in bed on the weekends rather than do any activities.
His mother gets annoyed with him. She wants him to do more, and has unfavorably compared him to my son a few times when they've argued about his attitude. I think this really hurt him and he asked if he could come and train Jujitsu. I was happy to take him so he stared coming three times a week.
He had never done any physical activity before and he was not naturally athletic, so he was very uncoordinated so his progress was slow but he tried really hard and didn't quit. My son was also helping him train at home.
In BJJ kids get stripes on their belts to mark their progress, all of the kids that started around the same time as my step son had got at least one stripe and he was upset he didn't get one. He told his mother and she decided that he deserved one and put one on his belt herself.
I told her that it was inappropriate and that the value of the stripe is in earning it. So I took it off the belt when I took them training. He thought he deserved the stripe as well so told his mother, she was pretty mad I'd done that, saying it was her son and if she wants to put a stripe on his belt she will.
So the next time I took them to BJJ I didn't remove the stripe that she put back on and basically a few kids noticed it in class, all the kids were whispering about it and then they started teasing and laughing at him throughout the lesson.
My stepson does not take teasing well at all. He took it all very hard and felt humiliated. He's quit training as a result and refuses to go back and his mother is just letting him quit.
I knew this was likely to happen if I didn't remove the stripe but I left it on because I didn't want to fight with his mother about it again. Ultimately, he is her child and she made the decision and he was happy to go along with it despite my advice. AITA for letting it happen?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. It's your wife that's failing the kid, not you. She's hammering his self-esteem and saying she wants him to improve, all while actively standing in the way of it.
NTA. Participation trophies aren’t a thing past a certain age/in some sports. He wanted the honors of being further along without earning it- that’s not a good thing to think and it’s best he lose that now.
You need to have a frank conversation with your wife about her wanting accolades (and future opportunities). Your son has with his strong work ethic while actively impeding her own son’s ability to obtain them if she steps in like this again. He has to learn/earn.
The child wasn’t being bullied- he hadn’t earned the honor yet and was humiliated for pretending at it. He would’ve earned it with time, there’s nothing wrong with needing more time. And it would’ve meant a lot more than that unearned stripe she gave him. So if sports aren’t her thing, she needs to trust you, her husband, who also cares about her son (and is also raising a good one) to guide him a bit.
Him complaining to her that he was disappointed he didn’t earn it yet- totally fine. Her trying to ‘fix it’ by just handing him one and him thinking that’s ok- not fine. If he’s not ready to go back to classes, see if he’ll ask your son to keep practicing with him at home.
The goal is to try to get him over his embarrassment so he can remember he enjoyed the activity. It’s not like he’s never died in a video game but he didn’t give them all up after, did he?
Big_Set_6746 OP
I've told her she coddles him. She does everything for him and lets him make excuses. She's made it clear that she will raise her son as she sees fit. It goes both ways, she thinks I'm too hard on my son. I expect him to take ownership of his goals and problems. To learn from his mistakes and not make excuses.
You’re too harsh on your son? And your son is the thriving confident one? Letting your son problem-solve for himself builds self-esteem and is the best way to parent actually rather doing everything for them (read that somewhere lol). Do not let this woman affect your parenting. Where’s your stepson’s bio dad in all this?
NTA. While I agree with you that it’s her kid, it should show her that you are trying to help him and show interest in his development. Was she there to see the others whisper and make your step son embarrassed? If not, I think that would have been a pivotal moment for her and help her understand things better.
Big_Set_6746 OP
No, she doesn't come to watch them train.
As someone in BJJ, this is really really bad. You did the right thing. His mother has no idea how this works. First things first, only the instructor gives a stripe. You don't give yourself one and mommy can't give you one.
Personally, you shouldn't have taken him if he was going to insist on wearing that stripe. You KNEW this was going to happen.
ESH. He doesn't want to do any of that. His mom is pressuring him, you are 'happy to help'. Now he can't take the pressure of losing, can't take the pressure from his mom, can't take the stripe off, can't put it on, can't handle the kids. You're two are just ruining him together slowly but surely.
He needs someone in his corner and it's neither of you. I hope he finds some adult that cares about him and would save him from the two of you.
YTA You knew what would happen, and what you should do to be a good friend and father figure for your stepson. You p^%$ied out, or you don’t care.
NTA. You literally told her that adding a stripe without earning it was inappropriate. I'm surprised the kids just teased him and that the coach didn't call him out in front of everybody.