'AITA for 'taking everything' in my divorce?'
"AITA for 'taking everything' in my divorce?"
I'll try to keep the background mercifully brief. Just got divorced after 12 years. We have 2 kids, 13(M) and 10(F). I initiated the divorce, and he is still not happy with it and tried to pressure me into staying for the kids even though I had been doing that for years even though it was destroying me mentally.
He has a lot of issues in life and a lot of resentment for me, and that informed the way he treated me every day. I didn't want to "tear my family apart," but I was a shell of myself who spent a year unable to get out of bed from depression before I finally pulled the trigger on my marriage and turned my entire life around this summer. As such, I proceeded with the divorce I asked for in July, and it was finalized yesterday.
We didn't have much by way of property. A house that was bought 3 years ago which I bought solely on my credit but later added him to the deed as double insurance that my kids would retain access to the house I purchased for them to grow up in & always have their space.
We also had a car, this time purchased in his name, but I paid the down payment, and it was considered my car because he has a work vehicle.
Because I have the children Sunday evening through Friday evening, I asked to keep possession of the house for the sake of stability and routine. My ex works out of town Mon-Thurs or Friday mostly, so they are primarily with me all week, and I'm the one who gets them on and off the bus.
My ex agreed to both of these things in his response petition, but later balked at paying for half of the property taxes, insurance, or at other upkeep even though he expected 50% of the proceeds of a future sale regardless before deciding he wants off the deed entirely so he has no responsibility for it, which I am fine with and have already looked into a quit claim deed.
I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. Technically, I was legally entitled to both alimony and child support, but I told him I would waive both since until recently, we made more or less the same, and I wanted my kids to have an equal standard of living at both places. I didn't want to make him struggle because then they suffer. I've been there as the kid. Now I make slightly less.
Let me preface all of this by saying, he did not show up to court. Though he accused me for weeks of having gotten a lawyer behind his back, that he knew I was up to something, etc but really, I had no nefarious plans no matter how many people kept telling me to take him for everything he's worth.
We filed our petition and response at the same time, got our documents notarized together, I was fine with all of it. Yet still he did not show because he didn't want to be there.
In my county/state, all divorces with minor children require you to put your income and custody percentage into a formula and it automatically calculates the amount and then it's up to the judge's discretion as to what they think is fair. It's not optional. Based on their formula, I have the kids 72% of the time.
The judge ordered a substantial but not insurmountable amount of CS, and my ex has flipped his s$%#. He's accusing me of lying about it being up to the judge, saying I lied about my income, (I didn't), that I went behind his back and requested it, and that I'm not a person of my word because I don't have a problem with the judge ordering it and intend to collect it.
The way I see it, the kids are with me almost 3/4 of the time. All of my bills but my mortgage and car payment (I am paying the car off, not him) are going to be much higher because of how much more time the kids are with me and while he sees this as a just punishment for me leaving, the reality is that I agree with the family court system. I'm handling more than 50% of the costs of raising them.
Regarding custody: he has 50/50 decision making, 50/50 split of all holidays and birthdays as well as his own birthday & Father's Day. He gets them every single weekend because that is the only time he is guaranteed to be in town and didn't want to just see them every other week, so I accommodated this request.
The judge asked me if it was okay to start the CS on December 1st, but I said with the holidays and the short notice that I was fine waiting for January 1st and also said he could pay me directly instead of making him go through the bureau.
I am still more than willing to give him a share of the eventually sale equal to the amount of time he spent living here and paying his share of the mortgage relative to how much longer I live here and yet he is still calling me vile and telling me what a villain I am when in my view, I've been more than fair. The things I'm "getting" in the divorce, I still have to pay for 100% by myself.
The amount will not break him, and he has multiple monthly bonus options that will alone cover it. Like I said, I forewent alimony because I don't need it, but I think the CS is valid. Nothing else the judge ordered was outside of the paperwork we filed jointly back in August.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You sound like an extremely generous and level-headed person. NTA. Him not believing that there are very specific laws regarding child support doesn't mean there aren't. Let him be delusional, as long as he pays.
Sounds like divorcing him was the best thing for OP, as even if he did show up to the hearing, he would still call her vile. OP clearly didn't take everything like the title claims. OP was indeed level-headed and generous, too generous imo.
Wait... So you get the house, the car, and the kids, and does he need to pay you? sheesh, girl power!
I get the house that I have to pay and bear 100% of the responsibilities for. I have to pay off the car that I put $3500 of my own money down on, and I "get the kids" because for 11 years, I have been their sole caregiver while he has been out of town 4-5 days a week, almost every week, since I was juggling 2 under 2 24/7.
He gets the amount of custody his schedule allows him. It's hard to give someone more custody when they're 4-5+ hours away working.
You literally said you were a SAHM who stayed in bed for a year before you left him; how were you financing all of this on your own?
Because I have a separate income that does not require me to leave my children.
You have passive income, but not enough to not get child support. Right... let me tell you a secret. I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.
So everyone who has a passive income gets filthy rich off of it?
And why was he out of town for 2-5 days a week? To support you and the kids. The youngest is 10, no reason you shouldn’t be working.
I'm in school full-time rebuilding the career skills I lost over the last decade.
Why did you tell him you would waive child support when that wasn't true?
Because I had no idea that's not an option on my state. I've never been divorced or dealt with custody laws for and when his sister got divorced, she said she waived it so I figured it was allowed. We both agreed to the terms so neither of us used a lawyer. If anyone had advised me beforehand, I wouldn't have offered.
I got a call on Wednesday from the judge's clerk saying she needed the numbers for the child support formula. I reminded her that I was waiving it and she said that it's not an option in my county, that all divorces with minor children have to be run through the calculator and then it's up to the judge if he accepts the agreement.
The judge did not accept our agreement and logically explained why he was making the order because it's in the best interests. I'm supposed to ignore the advice on an expert on this exact scenario? I was presented with different information and changed my mind in the interests of my kids. That's my job as the primary guardian.
Feel free to send the money back to him every month. Otherwise, just admit that you lied. You are going to take him for every penny that the court allows.